Ponce Upon a Lime

I love good stories, fun characters, and worlds filled with imagination. What I hate is when things lack any real logic and sensibility, making the story almost unbelievable or just outright silly. Let’s take some television shows for example.

In the most recent episode of Once Upon a Time, my bullshit meter went off the chart. Let’s start with the love-triangle between Neil, Emma, and Hook. Neil and Hook are both adults. And while I understand their desire to be with someone you love (or perhaps their acting on more baser instincts and just want to “tap dat ass”), they go about it like they’re in high school. Part of the plot requires them to light a candle. Rather than just do it, they get into a dick measuring contest via “who can light the candle best” and then they lose the lighter because they start having a tussle. Um, guys, the girl whose affections you are vying for is missing her son because he’s kidnapped. By solving that problem first your quest for love (or booty) will surely end better than by fighting over something trivial like a fucking candle.

Yes, I get the plot was to make it so that Emma would use the magic she learned and create a new subplot and new level of tension. But this was just a pathetic excuse at best and I’m not really enjoying the weakening of Neil or Hook’s respective characters. Hook was finally starting to get interesting this season and I felt like I was only just getting to know Neil. But this is just throwing so much of that build up out the door because these three can’t just agree to have a threesome and leave it at that. And as I speak it, I guarantee there is fan art or some nonsense out there of that.

Now I’m probably not the only fan annoyed at this shitty love triangle. Because we all know Hook doesn’t stand a chance. The fanbase wouldn’t accept that result in the long run and the writers have to stick to the clichés the original stories started in the first place. I’m not saying Neil is going to be the final result, but I can’t see it ever being Hook at all. This is the same bullshit that happened in FRIENDS when Joey accidentally proposed to Rachel when she just had a baby. A new love triangle formed there and it wasn’t necessary because we all knew Joey wouldn’t be with Rachel. We all knew it would be Ross the whole time. This is all for ratings. Artificial tension merely to get attention from people who are… already watching the show… hm… I don’t quite get that.

All that said, a romance storyline in an American television show is probably the lowest common denominator for good storytelling. That’s like going to a vending machine filled with candy and hoping to find something healthy. But I wouldn’t be complaining at all if I didn’t have other issues with this episode to bring up for examples.

Let’s focus on the co-star of the series thus far, Henry, Emma’s son. From the beginning he’s been characterized as a smart kid who can figure out when people are lying pretty easily and also figure out what kind of situation he’s in well before anyone with even twice as much life experience could figure out there’s even a situation to figure out. He’s clever, resourceful, a tad naïve at times, but that’s because he’s optimistic and hopeful. However, the latest season has begun to paint him differently. Now he’s filled with doubt or being exposed to elements that cause doubt, but that is a reasonable change. He’s separated from everyone that loves him has pretty much no way to contact them or see them because of Peter Pan. So if he wants to doubt that rescue is coming or doubt that he’ll get out of this situation in one piece, I wouldn’t condone him for it. It shows that he isn’t perfect and it gives him a more human feel.

HOWEVER…

In the most recent episode, after having communicated with Emma and Regina for something around a minute, he is filled with hope once again and has started to distrust Peter Pan who had almost convinced Henry that he wasn’t all that bad. GREAT! So Pan decided he had to trick Henry into trust him again and he does so with what is, in my opinion, one of the most obvious tricks/traps in the history of the series and perhaps even all of television (though that last one is an exaggeration).

Pan tells one of his associates to go do a task and specifically says to make sure that Henry doesn’t find out about it. That raises several red flags right there. First, Henry is right near them behind a tree and hiding to spy on them. And we’re already told that Pan can see and hear everything in Neverland. Even Henry is well aware of this fact, given that he’s read the books and seen what Pan can do first hand. And Pan isn’t even being quite about these orders. He’s not whispering. He’s just talking like a normal person, if not a little louder. Anyone with a functioning brain can tell that Pan WANTS Henry to follow this lackey to find whatever “secret” Pan has because it’s all a trick to get Henry to believe what Pan tells him.

Furthermore, Henry has already been told by his mother and… um… adopted mother, that they are coming to get him. They are on the way and everything is about to go down. If I was told rescue was on the way, I’d hang tight and just wait for them because me moving around, getting lost, and just being where they aren’t expecting to find me is only going to make a rescue operation harder. I’m surprised Henry hasn’t thought of that yet.

More red flags spring up when he actually arrives to find a little girl (Wendy) in a bed in a cave and she’s sick. First off, the room looks really nice and the bed looks really nice. Everything looks really clean and neat and organized. Why? It all looks set up. It all looks like it was just placed there from out of the store and into the… cave. Tinkerbell’s place looks like shit compared to this, and I thought her treehouse looked alright when we first saw it. The Lost Boys and Pan don’t really even have a home or real beds. So why does Henry not question this set up in the slightest? Also, why is there a girl on the island who has no connection to magic? Tinkerbell at least used to be a fairy. So her being there has some logic there. But this is a regular human girl. And we’ve already established that Pan and the Lost Boys are a boys only club.

Then she gives us a bullshit story about how she’s sick and that Pan is trying to save her. While that might be true that she’s ill (it could all be an act), I wouldn’t buy, for a second that Pan is willing to save anyone other than himself. He’s all about power and control. He’s all about keeping things where he can manipulate them and know how to manipulate them best. So why would Henry believe that Pan is willing to save this little girl who shouldn’t be on this island at all in a room that looks suspiciously nice and clean compared to everything else on this island?

But he does believe the story and he plays right into Pan’s hands. Pan feeds Henry more lies though, because it doesn’t stop there. The story the girl (and then Pan confirmed) is that the magic on the island (which can save her but probably won’t) is dying and fading away. But (as mentioned earlier in the season) Henry is the savior of magic (which is likely another lie) and is the only one who can save the island, the magic, and the little girl. Pan then leads Henry to a smaller island just off the cost of the big island they’re already on, saying that what Henry needs to do lies in that island. And the island is shaped like a fucking skull.

Really? You’re going to tell me that Henry, a boy who was not only raised on Fairy Tales but, for the longest time, held all of them to be true stories and was proven to be right all along is going to believe this bullshit? You expect ME to believe that Henry isn’t smart enough to figure out when he’s been tricked or when he’s being played like a fiddle? Grant you, if this is all a counter-trick by Henry to simply discover Pan’s full plan and use it against him, then Bravo. You’ve succeeded in actually making it interesting. But, let’s admit it. That’s really the only way this can really go. You either have Henry use this all to his advantage and trick Pan into getting the information he needs or Henry is now an idiot and is falling for the most obvious traps in the book.

At least when Mako (from Legend of Korra) gets tricked, mislead, and framed by Vareck, it’s all actually a really clever plan that involves a lot of money and people to a scope Mako can’t deal with alone. Him being tricked is actually believable because while his character is smart enough to figure out when he’s been had, he’s merely being outdone by the fact Vareck has so many connections and ways to make people do what needs to be done to get Mako out of the way. It shows the strengths of BOTH characters equally and makes for a much more compelling narrative whereas Henry and his mental struggle with Pan is not as impressive.

Another GOOD example would be the game Portal. I know that every gamer on the internet who wants to make a good point will use Portal, but for a game with such a minimalistic approach to telling a story, it outshines so many others in their attempt to capture the attention of audiences with a compelling world and characters. In the game, you’re a lab rat, or so you’re told. You’re given the idea that you’re in a legitimate facility and that everything is fine. Eventually things seem unstable and things aren’t quite what they appear to be, but you progress anyway because you need answers as to what’s going on and expect to get out alive. Then the rug is pulled out from under you when you are thrown into a giant oven and awaiting your death. It was all a lie, not just the cake.

“But wait!” I hear some of you saying. “Portal’s protagonist didn’t have a character. She didn’t speak. So her story is nothing like your other examples, you fucking twit!” Fair enough, but you’re still wrong. You can take one of two concepts from this argument. Either, one, Chell (Portal’s protagonist) is supposed to represent you, thus it’s your personality and intelligence facing against GlaDOS. Therefore the example works because you’re smart enough (hopefully) to know when you’re being lied to and tricked and thus this was a believable struggle.

Alternatively, you can accept that (much like Samus, Link, or Gordon Freeman) that Chell actually does have a personality based on her actions, clothing, what she surrounds herself with, how other characters perceive all this, and the scenario in which she’s in. Granted, there isn’t MUCH to go on, but we have enough to know she is a smart character. Clearly smart enough to enter in the Aperture “Bring your Kids to Work Day” science fair AND smart enough to not only understand how to use a Portal Gun right away, but also to solve every puzzle thrown her way with it like she’s done it all her life. So, clearly, she must be smart enough to not trust GlaDOS and smart enough to know she’s being tricked, and thus, is willing to play into her hand only to get information and find a way out. And, thus, a perfect example of whatever I was talking about several paragraphs ago.

I’ll still watch Once Upon a Time but if it keeps up this bullshit all season long (among other things) I might end that with this season. Walking Dead is almost walking that line, but that’s for different reasons entirely. I hope it gets better. I hope this is just an episode that stood out as being fundamentally bad. But now I’m bored of complaining about it. And hungry. So I’m going to go eat… and maybe play some PayDay2… which you should totally join me in because I want to play some of the harder missions but soloing is just … well… ya know. So see ya next time and maybe I can complain about another show not being so good. Yeah?