Just Say "sNOw" to winter (Part 1)

For all my loyal readers and those who might just be joining us, I have a big confession I have to make. I know once I make it, my girlfriend might look at me differently. My family might just want to get rid of me completely. My friends will all abandon me just like they all did when I was in elementary school (but for different reasons, obviously). I’ll lose my job. They’ll take my degree away from me because I’ll be declared legally insane and they’ll lock me in a box under the sea on the moon and I’ll never be able to do anything about it. But, alas, I must come clean…

… I hate snow… winter… the whole damn lot of that mess. There’s a lot about winter I don’t genuinely like one bit. The only saving grace winter has is that at least when it’s too cold outside, I can just put on another pair of socks or another shirt and help warm up that much more whereas summer… well… once I’m down to my underwear, I only have one thing left to remove when it’s too hot outside and that would be illegal in most parts of the country.

So… yes… the first snowfall just happened at the time of writing and I’m really not looking forward to winter this year at all (then again, I never really am). But rather than dwell on all the things I don’t like about winter (because I could go on) let’s focus on the most important bit that’s affecting us all here and now. Let’s give the top ten reasons why I can’t stand snow and why it should just never happen (or I should finally just move to Texas and be done with it). To make it more fun, I’ll use examples from video games.

#10 – Inability to see
I’ve never had good eye sight. My glasses can pretty much prove that. So when outside forces do what they can to affect my vision, I’m not going to like them any better. White outs are the worst when trying to drive and you see nothing but a big blank whiteness until you run into the back of a semi. I remember strolling through Silent Hill and while I could see a bit around me, the snow and the fog made it impossible to see too far ahead, usually only maybe twenty feet at BEST, and that was in the day. At night, I couldn’t see anything. And when you’re in a town of eerie monsters and psychotics, you want to be able to see everything coming at you. And that’s snow good.

#09 – Slickery When Wet
Another issue with snow is that it’s really slick. When it melts it becomes ice and makes things EVEN MORE SLICK. This can cause many accidents and issues that make driving even more of a hassle. I can’t recall the number of times I’ve run into people, other cars, obstacles, turtle shells, bombs, and even a dinosaur because of slick roads. So many times I’ve raced through the courses on Mario Kart and it’s always when the track is covered in snow and ice that things become an issue. I’ll take Rainbow Road over that bullshit any day of the week… At least you’re in space.

#08 – Too Cold to Move
Here’s something else about snow you might not have known. It’s cold. When you get cold, you don’t quite move as well because you might be shaking a bit or maybe you’re frozen solid. Hell, you may have the frostbite and your leg is just a big black piece of shit that can’t do anything for you now, so you might as well cut it off. Countless times I’ve walked around Dokapon Kingdom and I can handle deserts, forests, jungles, caves, and the lot of it. But snow slows me down every time. I step in it and I can’t move for a bit. While I’m stuck in the snow, my competition is off saving more villages, getting more money, and being badasses. But here I am… stuck in some fucking snow.

#07 – Fuckin’ Up Me Crops
I live in Iowa. That dictates that I have to be a farmer according to everyone living in New York or LA. So, yes, I do farm. Depending on where we go, I have a wheat farm, pumpkin farm, carrot farm, potato farm, AND a sugar cane farm all in one convenient location. And I generally set my farm up whenever I enter a new Minecraft world almost right where I spawn. I don’t like wandering too far unless I have a bed available because, otherwise, I’ll just be back here again anyway if I die. But if I’m trying to set up a farm in a tundra biome (or near it) there’s a chance it’ll snow and then my tilled land is ruined because of snow falling on it. Meaning I have to till it again. Or, worse yet, my water freezes, letting the dirt around it dry up and ruin the crops more. How am I supposed to survive without food people? Just how am I supposed to do it?

#06 – Avalanches
While I don’t deal with this problem on a regular basis, the thought of being somewhere where this COULD happen is probably one of my top five nightmares right before vampiric-ghost-Nazis and right after a sharkidile. Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Burns and Homer are trapped in a cabin buried under mountains of snow? Or that other time when the school was under a mountain of snow… which was actually just them being snowed in, but same principle (Skinner) applies here. And I don’t have the skills at snowboarding that Sonic has in his many Adventures. I can’t just ride the avalanche like I did in Ice Cap Zone. I just can’t.

#05 – Abominable Snow Men (Or Women)
Most monsters aren’t real. Lochness isn’t real. Werewolves and Frankenstein aren’t real. And I’m pretty sure that John Ricotello isn’t real either. But Abominable Snowmen (and women) DO exist. I have proof. They are large white creatures with tree-like limbs for… well… limbs. I managed to catch a bunch in my Pokéballs while I was traipsing the mountains of the Sinnoh region. These things are terrifying as they have an ability to call out a snowstorm just by simply being there. While I fear for my life from these horrible creatures, I have found a way to weaponize them and use them to my advantage. Finally, I will be the one freezing all of you!

#04 – Jotunheim
Jotunheim is a fucking pit. It’s nothing but snow and ice. The only people that live there are violent jerks who look malnourished and psychotic. There are some giant snow monsters there, but I won’t even get into that. Thor was right to want to kill them all off in Thor 1 and Loki later wanted to blow up the whole planet as well! But, wait, that’s not a game! Shut up, there was a movie tie-in game so it counts.

#03 – Mr. Freeze
When winter is here, that generally means snow. When snow is here, that generally means cold. And when it’s cold, that generally means that Mr. Freeze will come out and try to make the world his own winter hellscape. There’s no way to stop him unless you’re Batman either. So when it snows we have no choice but to endure the snow, the winter-themed death lasers, and the awful shitty puns from this fucking whack-job that makes Dinklemen look tame by comparison until the caped crusader comes to save us from such a horrible fate. Fuck you, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

#02 – Generally Being Stuck Indoors
I’m not going to lie, I’m not an outdoorsy person. But I like being able to go outside and take a walk whenever and wherever I like. And I like doing so without taking forever to get on multiple layers and boots because it’s too much effort and boots of all kinds are just uncomfortable. So I generally choose to stay indoors rather than put on giant clodhoppers and stop around like I’m wearing fucking iron boots in the water dungeon in (insert any Zelda game here). And it sucks being stuck inside because then I generally get stuck sitting at a computer and pressing buttons all day. I press whatever buttons the computer tells me to press because of QTEs and I just generally accept such a Parable.

#01 – Other Drivers
This complaint is my general complaint of life. If other people weren’t on the road, the world would be a happier place because then I could go from place to place without wanting to run people over or off the road for their stupidity and slowness. Winter comes, snow falls and everyone suddenly gets shittier at driving and slower at everything. I get slowing down for the slick roads (as I mentioned before) but there’s also times when you’re slowing down entirely too much. I mean, seriously. How the fuck am I supposed to get from one side of Steelport to the other to make sure I can deliver the whores and the drugs to the Saints in time before I have to deal with Trevor or Dog-Eyes? I can’t when it’s snowing out. I can barely do that when there isn’t snow, but this just makes it impossible.

And there you go. My ten most legit reasons why snow is bad and why winter is not great and why we’d be better off going to Australia or Jamaica for a few months instead of dealing with all of this snow bullshit. That’s all for today. I’m off to go find Frosty the Snowman and make sure he doesn’t live to see next winter. See ya again real soon, alright. :D