Legit Games: The Haloz

A completely 110% legitimate summary of a game/movie/book/thing that is totally accurate and not made up in anyway. We’re legit and keeping it real, so that’s the truth. Let’s get started with one of my favorite games ever, The Haloz: Combat Evolved.

Halo is a game that clearly takes place in Greece or Rome or some shit because the protagonist, Master Chef, is a Spartan. He gets thrown into the battle much like he throws hot spices into excellent cuisine when some aliens with penis-shaped heads (not to be confused with the penis-headed aliens from the Alien movies) calling themselves the Condiment, attack them for some reason. I guess there’s a war going on. Apparently there’s a prequel, but I didn’t have time to look into that because there’s no time when you have to save Greece from the Condiments. Go Master Chef!

So you escape your ship because we’re actually in space over Greece, not just in Greece. So more like Greece-Airspace. Also in Greece-Airspace is a giant ring from that movie Elysium, which was a really good movie and you should watch that instead of playing whatever it is we’re talking about because Matt Damon. Anyway, so you are Matt Chef and you land on the giant Elysium ring because the Condiment put it there for a raisin. Matt Chef leads a crew of cooks through various environments, looking for just the right spices to kick this battle to the next level, BAM!

You eventually find a ship attacking your friends somewhere. You and your buddies get into a car and drive around a bit to stop the ship and find other ships and penis-aliens to save the day or something. But the Condiment are tricky and will stop at nothing to get… um… wait, did they say what their goal was yet? No? Okay, well, they’re after Wheatley, from Portal 2 because they loved how Steve Merchant voiced that character and they wanted him to do that voice for their interstellar smartphones… I think. Which doesn’t make sense since Wheatley didn’t exist until 2012, but who cares, video games!

So Matt Chef must go and stop the Condiment from getting the Wheatley and making their smartphones more entertaining. But, along the way, Matt Chef pulls a dumb and opens up a room on the Elysium where FLUDD comes out and makes everybody wet because it’s looking for Mario to go clean up more poo like in Super Mario Sunshine. Yeah, it’s a weird crossover, but it happens. So Matt Chef must stop the FLUDD from ruining the Elysium as well as stopping the Condiment from getting the Wheatley to improve their smartphones. Matt Chef had a lot of work to do.

Luckily, Matt Chef found the Wheatley first and he said he could stop all these shenanigans if Matt Chef listened to him. But the Wheatley is a liar. Much like he betrayed Gordon Freeman in Portal 2, so too did he betray Matt Chef in The Haloz. Once they fought through waves of the Condiment, the Wheatley plugged himself into the machine and he became the matrix. But he used its power for evil and decided he had enough of Matt Chef and wanted Jeff Goldblum instead. So he tries to mur-diddly-urder Matt Chef, while simultaneously killing everything and everyone else because Wheatley isn’t kind of dumb and stupid. Did you see those franken-turrets? Those things were just… ARGH

So then there’s a big scene at the end that The Haloz use in almost every game where Matt Chef must run down a really long corridor to escape an exploding building. Just think Sonic the Hedgehog, but less colorful and fun and more futuristic and with Matt Chef. Then the credits roll and Cortana tells Matt Chef it isn’t over because the agency will keep hunting him down. But don’t worry because Jeremy Renner will play the Chef in the fourth game because the studio couldn’t afford Matt Damon a fourth time. And that is The Haloz!