Journal of Clarity – 30 - April 4, 2013
Yeah. I skipped a few entries again. Why? Because in the one
I skipped, I do a small rambling as to me not getting why, even though we said
being friends is cool, Rose isn’t talking to me at all. Then I went into a long
rant about a game I’ve been playing a lot recently. I skipped it not because I
don’t want to post it, but because something else has come up I feel is more
important and perhaps will better reflect how I feel about the whole thing.
Before I do, I have one shout-out I HAVE to do… as it is important.
To the amazing and talented, and forever perfect human being
that is Robert Downey Jr. … Happy Birthday. I don’t quite know how old you are,
but I, along with everyone else that matters, don’t really care. We love you because
you are great in just about every way. We’re all looking forward to seeing you
in Iron Man 3 in about a month. And
we hope you continue to do great work in Marvel Studios as well as anywhere
else your amazing talent takes you. Thank God for you, RDJ…
Now on with the more serious and emotional stuff.
I was on blogger (since that’s where I post these) and I
remember as I was looking at stuff that Rose had two blogs she kept. She hadn’t
updated the one I hadn’t been following since last September, so I never really
looked at it much. But I did today because having not updated the one I was
following, I thought maybe there’d be something there worth looking at. Turns
out there was… and seeing it kind of hits home a bit.
Read it if you want. But if you do, don’t spam her blog or
anything with immature or hateful stuff. Even after all the bullshit that
happened between us, she doesn’t deserve that.
Reading that, like I said, hit me pretty hard. It showed
just how much she really wanted this to work and how afraid she was that all
her effort would be for nothing. Yeah, the idea behind what she was doing was
for fun, but it’s something she follows and takes seriously to some level. And
the worst part of it is that it ended up being right (for the most part).
Thus far, everyone has told me that I can do better than her
and that she’s a bitch and wasn’t worth it. And while you people might have
some credibility and might be right on some level, that doesn’t change the fact
that I don’t just feel it, but I know that I am responsible for how everything
fell apart and failed to work out. 100% blame? I wouldn’t go quite that far,
but I was clearly the problem with the relationship and rather than put more
effort into correcting that, I focused on other problems with myself rather
than focusing on us and being with her.
It makes me feel like absolute garbage tier when it looked
like she had a lot of faith and hope that things were going to work out with us
so long as no one else whisked either of us away. But it wasn’t someone else
that kept me from being able to be with her. It was me not being able to get
out of my own head. Not only did I fail to meet my own expectations and live up
to what I thought I could do, what I thought I had been able to change to, but
I failed to live up to that hope she had in me. I annoyed her with my own
problems. I disappointed her by not living up to what either of us thought I was
capable of. I wasted her time and I feel awful about it.
Now she won’t even talk to me, (as I mentioned in the
unaired entry 29) for question about how her job search went or me expressing condolences
for the loss of a family member, and I can’t stand it. You know why? Because
after seeing this and after all the shit we have been through, I still want to
be with her. I still care about her enough to put aside how shit I feel from
all this to worry about how she’s doing. I want to make it up to her not
because I feel bad about not being good enough, but because she deserves better
than the poor attempt I was making at our relationship before.
No, this isn’t about sex, that’s usually never my motivation
for anything. This is about me actually giving a shit about someone else
because I like them as a person just that much. If sex was really that
important to me, I wouldn’t have left that unstable relationship with Susan to
be with Rose. If sex were that important to me, trying to be physically
close/intimate with someone is something you’d think I’d have worked on to be great
it by now (or at least adequate). [For those asking, I was accused of this
being a motivation for me doing/saying things when I was with Rose. This is me
pointing out how untrue that is].
I guess you guys and disregard just about everything I’ve
said up until this point. Yeah, I go back and forth a lot on some things don’t
I? But, seriously, looking back at what I’ve written up until now and seeing
this writing from her, I’ve come to this conclusion. She is a good person, and
an amazing woman I had in my life that only gave me a tremendous amount of shit
because I deserved it (or at least some of it) and rather than work towards
making things better, I choose, essentially, to do nothing or believe that
nothing was wrong or I could do everything myself. I feel like a fool and I’d
give just about anything to go back and try again, and this time do it right.
But part of my, that cynical side of me that is usually
right about everything, believes that will never happen. She made it clear she
wants nothing to do with me. I deserve that. But regardless, I can’t change the
way I feel about her, not easily anyway. Maybe if I’m lucky she’ll see this
(somehow) and know that I mean everything I say here. She’ll read this and
consider giving me one last chance to not fuck things up (in a bad way). But
that’s the optimistic fool in me thinking that if I try hard enough and work
hard enough towards something or someone, good things will happen.
I’ll end it here for now. I guess. Not sure where else to go
with this at the moment, especially since I should be finishing that Japanese
History paper (distracting myself from that is only easier with Megaman/Sonic
comics, an online retro game emulator, and Recettear).
But know this… Rose… if you are reading this… and part of me hopes you are… I do
care about you, even though it didn’t seem like it, I do. I’d do damn near
anything to have one last chance. I wasn’t there for you before like I should
have been. I want to be there for you now more than ever. I just wish I had
come to this conclusion long before now.
…
…
…
(And, no, I’m not using the word love yet, especially here
on the internet. Given the situation, that will only come off as desperate and
should I be ignored, it will only make me look pathetic. But… it’s close to
that. I’ll say that much. Yeah. I’m an idiot. I’ve heard it before, shut up).
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