No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are

Journal of Clarity – 028 – April 3, 2013

(Yes, this marks the first entry where you can guess what the title references. Have fun)

You’ll notice, if you’re paying attention, that I skipped entry #027 and you might be asking yourself why would I do that? Certainly the goal was to share everything with you guys while I work things out and what not. That’s very much true. However, entry #027 was rather stupid, in my opinion, as it was a list of all the things that Rose and I argued about, followed by a list of things that have been keeping me in high spirits (or at least middle spirits) during this whole thing. The latter list came off as me promoting things for you to watch or play, the former list was me, in my opinion, taking things a bit too far. Fact is I do still care about her and I would do anything to make things work out again. And things like that, clearly, don’t help my case at all.

Today’s entry WAS going to be a counter-argument to that entry as well. It would list off all the good memories I had with her and why I still think there’s something worthwhile in a relationship with her. But the more I look back on how things were with Rose and I, hindsight certainly gives me a much clearer… um… thing to look at. Things started off well, but slow, and then, shortly afterwards, it was miscommunications on both sides on both the listening and speaking aspects. Both of us had different mindsets going into this, or at least I think we did. In short, the chemistry wasn’t there to make it work out. Yes, there were problems, but a strong relationship in which both people are willing to work past those issues is a relationship with good chemistry.

I think part of what attributed to that (aside from me being me) was the long distance thing. Our primary source of communication was texting and instant messaging and we only got to see each other in person once every other week. That, to me, is stressful because I’ve never been a fan of text-only communication. To me, a lot of what someone says is lost when you don’t have tone of voice and body language to help convey the extra meaning behind the words being said. This is especially true in our case when she tended to exaggerate quite a bit and I tended to make jokes and be sarcastic when I felt it was fitting. But in a straight-faced text-only format, both of us came off as rather literal with little evidence beyond that to suggest otherwise. And, I’m sorry, but only getting to see someone I really care about for MAYBE 24 hours in a two week period seems low, especially if that person and I are intending to make a relationship out of it. I’m not asking to be with you every day of the week, but a few days doesn’t seem like its asking for much.

But I digress, things are over now and, from where I’m sitting now, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to rectify what’s happened. She no longer responds to me for even a casual conversation, even though she has said she is fine being friends, which to me comes off as rude, considering how much shit you were giving me at the end. I’m still allowed to be in the D&D group with her, but a part of me gets the impression that I won’t enjoy it nearly as much as I would have prior to all this. I’ll still try to be a part of it, but if push comes to shove, I’ll just ask for my character to be killed off and just walk out.

Yes, for the most part, I’m “over it” even though I still wish that I could do something to make up for it and fix things. I’m over it in the sense I’m not longer depressed about the loss, I guess. This is mostly because of the recent amount of distractions from school keeping me busy. It’s amazing how after every major relationship, I have a boom of creativity that involves trying to make me laugh with stupid shenanigans. After my relationship with Nicole, I spend the better part of three years in school drawing spoof comics in classes and sharing them with friends. They got pretty hilarious at times, often parodying popular anime and making game references. Unfortunately, I lost four of the five notebooks I filled with that material. Such a sad day that was.

During my first relationship with Rose, I was developing a series called Utopia World which was a fantasy/action series that lacked direction. After we broke up, I spent more time playing with it and found some interesting ways to give it more direction. And now? Well, I have developed three to four different ideas for short film projects for class, each of which is basically a sketch comedy piece, but all of which are something I actually have a desire to do. I know I have the people willing to assist (Russell, Shawn, Mike, Beau, Gary, and I’m sure I can get more). It’s just a matter of scheduling and making things happen.

Despite the fact that I’m “over it” and distracted with other things, I am not ready for another relationship yet. Not even close. What do I need to do to get ready? I need to fucking graduate college first. Get one less thing in my life tying up my schedule so I can go out and do things more easily. Next, I need a better job, which I’ll go for after I decide on whether I’m going to move, where I’m going to move, and what’s available where I’m going to be at. But for as nice as it is to be don’t working at noon, I’m really tired of these 4:30 AM shifts. I can’t go out late with friends and I’m too tired to do anything after the fact. Not to mention I’d like to be able to have time in the morning to work out, eat a decent breakfast, take a shower, and wake up before I actually have to go out to work. At 4:30, I’m up, eat something from the microwave, and then rush out the door without time to really do much else. I’m tired of that.

Once I’ve done that, I will be ready to try again. Because then I can make time for going out and meeting people more easily (which may end up with me just playing games instead). To sum up, I need to change my routine and get out of this rut I’m in and make what I do on a daily basis something I can be proud or excited about so that I’m more confident in myself and more willing to engage with other people, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, there’s a limitation to what I can realistically do in the space I’m in and with the schedule I currently have. So, going to have to put a pin in that one until I can deal with it.

In unrelated news, I’m excited because April is finally here! What’s so great about April other than it being the birthday of some rather important people (Jackie Chan, Hitler, Tony Danza, William Shakespeare, Jet Li, John Cena, Hank Azaria, Ulysses S Grant, Conan O’Brien, George Takei, and ROBERT DOWNEY JR)? (Yes, that last one actually surprised me). Well… LET ME TELL YOU!

First off, we’re now only a MONTH away from the new IRON MAN 3 and that alone is enough. But released this month will be the cross-over comic series of Worlds Collide in which the blue blur and the blue bomber (Sonic and Megaman) will be sharing a universe to stop Robotnik and Wily and their latest scheme. Being a huge fan of Sonic and always wanting to get into Megaman, I can’t think of a better thing than this. This month also has an interesting movie release. This week we have the 3D re-release of my favorite movie ever… Jaws… no, I’m just fucking with you! It’s Jurassic Park, only the greatest movie ever made. Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman star in a movie coming out later this month, Oblivion, not to be confused with The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I might pass on that, simply for the fact I don’t give a flying fuck about anything Tom Cruise is in. Seriously, Jack Reacher was a very bland movie, and still considering the best thing Tom Cruise has been in… aside from his cameo in Tropic Thunder.

Injustice: Gods Among Us is also coming out later this month and I can actually get it for the consoles I won (woot). It looks like a very well made fighting game featuring all of the most popular DC characters (Flash is the best) and I can’t wait to get my hands on it. Also, later this month, XLBA exclusive, Dust: An Elysian Tail is coming to PC (on STEAM) and that always looked really cool, so looking forward to that as well. Speaking of super heroes (referring to the DC fighting game) this is also the month when the long delayed Marvel Avengers Collector’s Edition is getting a release… and I remember ordering that WAAAY back in, like, September or October of last year. Hopefully that order did go through and I do get it because that thing looked so fucking hype.

This is also the month where I’ll be working hardcore on that final film project for my modes of film class, now that I have a general idea of what I want to do. I have it narrowed down to a game-within-a-game gag, a sketch comedy gag we had during the early formation of E-Vac Station, and I know we can make a few others worth doing as well. Needless to say, I’m excited.

Yeah, just the SonicxMegaman crossover would have been enough to make this month awesome. But there’s actually a lot of cool stuff happening. Can’t wait to see how it all goes down. (Just wish there was someone to share it all with). Oh well. See ya next time.