Despite All My Rage, I'm Still Just a Rat In a Cage

Journal of Clarity – 031 – April 5, 2013

Disclaimer: Once again, I will be switching up on pretty much everything I said last time. This is due to a recent conversation that has rather pissed me off. Additionally, I'm going to sound rather pissed off and this may turn into an angry rant. In which case, apologies in advance, as I was hoping this would be a more fun post as well. Oh well.

I've tried to be nice and civil about the whole ordeal despite how much I've also said it sucks. But a recent conversation with Rose has pushed me to the point where all I can really say is this, “Fuck you, Rose. Seriously, stop being pissed at me and assuming you know what the fuck I'm trying to do for five fucking seconds and just accept me at face value for a moment, alright?”

Need a run down? As I mentioned earlier this week, her aunt recently died. I sent a message giving her my condolences because I remember how hard she says death hits her and I was concerned given that it hasn't been entirely too long since her grandfather's passing, which I know was a MAJOR deal to her (not exaggerating, like it was pretty rough from how she told me). I wanted to make sure she was doing alright in light of all this because, as I stated last time, I do care about her beyond all reason. Well, I'm in Des Moines now because I was going to spend my birthday with family, friends, and her. Then we broke up and it has widdled down to being more like family because I have yet to hear from any of the friends in the general area, not that I would have had much more to do in Iowa City, but whatever.

I sent Rose a message before I left. I pretty much said that I will still be in the area this weekend and if she felt like hanging out for a bit, that would be cool. I like hanging with her and I wanted to see how she was doing. Yeah, it was my birthday, but given how we just broke up, I was pretty certain she wouldn't have interest in celebrating that anyway. I figured I'd get ignored more, but didn't think it was that big a deal.

The response I got... holy shit. She pretty much jumps down my throat and gives me shit about how I'm being an asshole and asking her to celebrate my birthday with me during the same week her aunt died. I say that I don't give a shit about my birthday and I just want to see how she's doing and make sure everything's okay. Then she gives me crap about how I'm just trying to get in good graces with her and try to be a comforting hero and all that bullshit, like I have some ulterior motive. Fact is, I really don't. She said we could be friends. If a friend I had was going through this shit and I cared about them to the same level as her (and there are a few that make that cut) I would ask them how they're doing. I would give them my condolences. I would ask if they wanted to hang out, talk about it, and just kind of get away from all that mess for even a bit just to get your/their mind off of it for a little bit.

I'm hurt that she thinks I'm this sleazy and low to try and manipulate the situation to work in my favor simply to get back with her. I'm shocked she thinks I'm that heartless and careless. For someone who says they're great at reading people and understanding people, she doesn't understand a fucking thing about me or how I operate. I was depressed for the past week about how things ended and how I failed to make things work out. But if this is seriously how she thinks I am and if arguments crop up every time I try to do something nice for sake of being nice because that's just what I do, then, yes, clearly things were going to be fucking doomed from the start.

I take responsibility for the relationship failing. I was an idiot who couldn't get his head in the game. But that doesn't excuse this nonsense. I get that she's grieving and might say or do irrational things in the process (since that's typically what happens when ANYONE grieves is the increased likelihood of irrational action). But, I'm sorry, even I think this is a bit much.

If she ever does try to speak to me again and she does apologize for being this brutal and lashing out at me in this regard, then I will accept and we can move on towards being friends (or whatever). But I doubt that will happen, and I feel that this whole experience is chalked up to a total waste in that case. But if she wants to throw everything away and treat me like garbage tier, then that's her prerogative. As for me, all I can say is, “Fuck you, I tried to be civil about this whole thing. I tried to be a friend after all was said. But if you can't treat me as such, then why do I even want to try anymore. I'm still going to miss you and all the good times we had, and good times we could have had. But it isn't worth it if every time I try to speak to you I feel like garbage because of what you say or too timid to say anything because of what stupid bullshit argument will result from it.”

You think you know me? You clearly don't know a fucking thing about me. So don't judge my actions as if you do, because you're wrong and it makes you look like a stupid bitch for assuming as such.

Wow. I don't usually get this pissed at people. If I do, I usually keep it to myself because I don't like insulting people, making them feel bad, or calling them out on it. But, like I said, all I've tried to do is be nice because I like/liked and care/cared about her and this is how I get treated in the process. Let's change subject and try to end this on a positive note (because I am pissed and seriously need a change of subject after this).

I want to talk about the Sonic x Megaman crossover build-up I've been reading. I finished all the Megaman comics I bought and I'm almost finished with all the Sonic comics... and I REALLY want more. I really love what I've read so far, in both franchises. I have never played Megaman, but the comics make me really want to jump into the games and give them a try. The Sonic comics make me we wish the games had a story more in line with the comics instead of having Sonic make out with some weird red-head human princess (bullshit is bullshit).

In Megaman, I like the personality of Megaman. He's a reluctant hero, a guy who was originally just a helper bot but in order to help his creator, he has to take on this role of a fighter, a role he never wanted and is still hesitant to take up from time to time. Yeah, it has a large amount of “the hero's journey” in it, but it works very well, and I didn't expect that to be part of it. I also like it in comparison to the Megaman NT Warrior anime I watched when I was younger because it puts Megaman into the real world instead of being a digital character in a digital plane of existence.

The sale I bought them for didn't have comics 9-19 on sale, but I might go back and buy them because I want to know what happened in between what I have read, and I really just like all that's happened so far. Protoman, supposedly, has made an appearance in there somewhere. I want to see if Bass gets more of an appearance there as well. Where I left off (the last issue before the crossover event that is released later this month) Dr. Wily enters a portal that supposedly takes him to the world of Mobius (Sonic's world) to meet Dr. Robotnik. In the Megaman comics, there is no hint as to where he's going or who he's seeing.

That said, on to the Sonic comics. Where I'm at now, there is no hint YET that the crossover event is happening, but I am still a few issues from getting there, so we'll see if it crops up soon. For the Sonic comics, I love the expanded depth of Sonic's universe. The additional cities, characters, and events make the games look shallow by comparison, and that's sad because I still love the games. But I wish the games offered a more in depth world for me to enjoy that the comics are offering.

That said, the thing I love most about the comics is Dr. Ivo Eggman Robotnik. In the comics, he's absolutely evil and insane. The games portray him as cartoonishly stupid with rather lame plans that don't make much sense. But in the comics, while some plans seem a tad strange, he has done some rather evil stuff that makes me love him more. He's killed several major characters already or at least put them into critical conditions. He goes and robotizes (turns into a robot) a major character, turns others into his cyborg minons, and it's all just... good. Really really good.

The crossover event begins on the 10^th with the release of Megaman #24 (I think). And I couldn't be more excited for it. I know I've already gone on this tangent. But I was/am pissed and needed SOMETHING to kind of get me off that for a bit. Because, well, fuck all that shit.

Anyway, I'm done for today. Don't expect a post tomorrow. Taking a day off for the B-Day. Might not post the next day either (depends if anything interesting happens). All that said, don't expect me to talk about Rose at length again... for a while anyway. I'm done with that nonsense unless I'm given a good reason to do otherwise. She will be missed, but clearly she was not as genuine about her agreement of friendship as I was. A shame really.