Tell You What I Want. What I Really Really Want...

Journal of Clarity – 032 – April 8, 2013

(be honest. How many of you got that song stuck in your head now? Yeah... me too)

As some of you are aware, I recently hit a string of relationships after a three-year being-single-period which didn’t end so well. Some issues were my fault, I’ll openly admit. Others were their fault. In both cases there were large issues and smaller issues which were the cause of everything spilling over and causing the end of both relationships… both relationships separated by a couple week period. The reason I bring this up is because in the interest of moving forward, I want to take time to look at what didn’t work and narrow down, from the past experiences, what I am looking for in a partner for the next time around. Why? Well, to help clarify this for myself in the future (Journal of Clarity and what not). Also, in the event some of you reading feel so inclined to assist (as some of you have before) you have a general idea of what works and what doesn’t. No, I’m not pushing or asking for help in looking for someone, but if you felt like you knew someone who fit the bill and wanted to subject them to a torturous time with me, then you at least know the person who would make that torturous experience with me the least torturous… so to speak.

Let’s examine the biggest issues in each relationship first before moving on to all of the smaller things that set stuff over the edge. The relationship with Susan was fun and filled with good chemistry, but the biggest problem was… well… the fact that there was another guy in the mix. This resulted in a lot of back-and-forth drama, which resulted in subsequent breakups with me eventually just walking away and being done, even when it seemed like he was gone completely. Clearly, the lesson to take away from this is to not even bother getting involved with girls that are with other guys at all and if they start messing with someone else, just walk away and don’t look back. Simple as that. Sure, I could fight (figuratively speaking) to win her over, but who is to say she’s worth it? Who is to say this won’t happen again? It’s like in Legend of Zelda when you have to “prove your worth” for the master sword only to them “prove your worth” for the next stupid pointless item to save the world. How many times do you want me to “prove my worth” before we get on to business? Do you want this world saved or not?

The biggest issue with the relationship with Rose, while it started off great and any misunderstandings were quickly resolved with simple explanations, eventually these misunderstandings exploded into outright stupidity and nonsensicalness. Arguments would start over little things without me even trying. It seemed like anytime I wanted to talk about something or tried to talk about something, I’d get my head bitten off with almost no provocation. On top of that, for all the talk about being able to understand people better than they understand themselves, she didn’t seem to get me at all. Nearing the end, she assumed almost every action I had was for some ulterior purpose to either be in her good graces or to sleep with her or whatever. It never occurred to her that I might, oh… I don’t know, actually care about her enough to just do those things because I like her and like doing nice things for people I care about and like that much? Yeah, I could have communicated better and, yeah, I wasn’t perfect either. But I never had this big miscommunication issues with Susan or with almost anyone else I know for that matter. So… yeah… Going to have to say that much like everything else in a relationship, communication problems are a two-sided issue.

Okay, so those were the biggest issues. Where do we go from here? I guess nit-picking smaller issues and using that to help narrow down the kind of person I’d like to be involved with next time. Seeing as how smaller issues tend to piss people off and I know at least one of my recent exes has read these posts, I’m going to just list them without attaching either of these features to a name. That said, as always, these posts aren’t meant to offend. Just me throwing thoughts at a wall, organizing them, and seeing what new ideas I can make of them.

I’ve noticed that I don’t like a girl who is near apathetic and doesn’t care about stuff, or says she doesn’t care about stuff. Because when you say “you don’t care” about a lot of different things, or nearly everything, it makes me wonder just how much you care about the relationship. But, more than that, it also gives the impression she’s willing to just settle for less and not make an effort to try something new or figure out what they want most out of life. Again, that’s just the impression I get. So I definitely want someone who is driven and passionate about something whether it be a hobby, a profession, or something else entirely.

Additionally, I’ve also learned that while hot-headedness has never really been that big an issue before, I apparently have limits. Being stubborn and opinionated is one thing, but being insulting and bullying when it comes to carrying an argument is something else entirely. So I guess one thing to add is that I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind, but isn’t an absolute bitch about it. Otherwise trying to talk with you isn’t going to be nearly as fun as it should be.

Getting sexual exploits (and physical closeness stuff) out of the way real quick before I move on, I’ll say this much: I like sex, but it isn’t something I necessarily will go out of my way to get. There’s a multitude of reasons for this, take your pick: (laziness, shyness, obliviousness, distracted, confused, sick, sleepy, etc). This isn’t to say I don’t want sex, but it’s generally something I’m not all that driven to just get for whatever reason. So, to kind of counterbalance this, ideally, I’d like a girl who is more sexually aggressive in that regard. Someone who makes her desires or intentions obvious so I’m not trying to read subtle signals that don’t really make sense. Someone who is willing to push me for it rather than just expect me to jump in and do it. Yeah, kind of weird, maybe, I guess. Make of it what you will.

Common interests? I won’t be too picky here because having some different interests allows for a wider variety of conversation. But I will say that a shared hobby like video games or table-top gaming would be awesome as something we can do with other people. Beyond that, like I said, not entirely picky. Maybe similar tastes in movies or music, but not necessarily the same. But I’d definitely would want someone who’s more interested in fashion and more of a social butterfly than I, given that I know nothing of fashion due to a general lack of interest/time to invest in thinking about it and I’m just all around anti-social because… reasons. So, hey, definitely don’t want someone who is exactly like me. I’d probably hate them to an unhealthy degree and tell them to fuck off. Also, someone much chattier than I from the get-go. Once you get to know me well or once I get comfortable around someone, I can go on for hours about anything so long as I have an interest in the topic or know something about it (or I see potential for good jokes). But until I get to that point, might want to be more chatty or at least willing to throw questions and prompt conversation. Just saiyan.

Clearly, they have to like animals because I intend to get a dog in the foreseeable future (hopefully within a year). Preferably big dogs, but I’ll be willing to compromise with a medium (if I have to). Cats are fine, but not my first choice. But no fucking weird animals like tarantulas or snakes because those are fucking weird and I would not want to sleep knowing there’s a giant fucking spider in a cage in the next room that wants to kill me and everyone I care about… *shudders* fucking hate spiders. Also, going on this tangent, I’d love to have kids someday in the future, after I have a career kind of pinned down and I’m financially well-off. So, preferably, someone who is interested or at least willing to keep that idea on the table.

Lastly (I’m sure there’s more I can say, but due to lack of time and lack of ideas at the moment, this is where I’ll end my rambling), they have to have a flexible sense of humor. They have to be willing to deal with sarcasm, exaggeration, horrible puns, decent puns, referential shenanigans, made up words, and attempts of cleverness that fail because of reasons. I’m not a funny guy, but somehow I do funny things (sometimes intentionally). So, it’d be nice if instead of misunderstanding the bizarreness that is me, to perhaps, find the potential joke or humor I may or may not have been aiming for at that moment.

I can’t think of anything else at the moment. Granted, I know there’s plenty more I can throw into this list of ideal ideas for a person I’d like to be with but I can’t really put my finger on what else I’d want… Um… OH! Female! That’s important because, well, yeah. Not really interested in anything else unless it’s Robert Downey Jr… or wearing a Robert Downey Jr mask. And in either of those cases, I imagine a MASSIVE amount of drugs would be needed for me to go for it. Like… enough to knock-out a fucking horse.

Ending with an unrelated topic. After the B-Day, got a few new games to play and I already started a few.

Of what I bought, but have yet to touch, I have Trials Evolution: Gold, Lollipop Chainsaw, Vanquish, Super Mario RPG, Phantasy Star II, Final Fantasy III (6), Sin & Punishment,

And from what I’ve played, there’s MegamanX and Super Mario World. Both are games I kind of suck at. Part of the reason is because of the arrangement of buttons on the controller mixed with the controls for the specific games themselves. Both of them have “hold to run” button, but it’s awkwardly positioned in relationship to the attack or jump buttons, making playing the game physically painful. And, unlike playing on a PC, you can’t rearrange controls on Wii Virtual Console games. That said, don’t tell me you can on XBLA or PSN games because you can’t play Super Mario World on either of those, so that wouldn’t fucking solve the problem, it would just be a new problem entirely. That said, I like them both thus far. Just wish MegamanX had some save points in the game and wasn’t a password thing.

Looking forward to finding time to play all those RPGs though, in addition to finishing (eventually) Secret of Mana and Chrono Trigger. Sin & Punishment is something else entirely, I think, and it’s a Japanese-Only title, so I’m looking forward to seeing what Japan’s been holding out on us for the past decade. Maybe then I’ll start boarding the “give us Mother 3” bandwagon when I’m done too.

I got the Marvel Cinematic Universe today. Opened almost right after I got home. It is glorious in every sense of the word. I can’t wait to look through the special features on the blurays and see all of the cool deleted scenes and special  segments that I haven’t seen before.

On the 10^th is when the first crossover issue of Megaman is released. Something else is happening the 11^th, but I keep forgetting what, like, almost instantly. Oh, right, season finale of Archer. The 14^th begins the newest season of Two Best Friends Play, which is awesome. Later this month, we also have the return of Sanity Not Included with new characters and stuff. Lots of cool things coming out in just a few days and it all looks pretty awesome! Anyay, I’m off. I got games to play. Homework to do. And snacks to eat.