LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLet's Play!

Journal of Clarity – 33 – April 16, 2013

It's been well over a week since you've heard from me here. I suppose you could say that's a good thing because now I have less time to mull about and be depressed. Alternatively, you could also say it's bad because now I don't have a way to express my depression because there's not enough time for me to set aside to discuss this stuff because I'm occupied with twenty-billion things all at once. Alternatively-alternatively, you could just stop supposing and start reading while I get this show on the road rather than continually pad this out for no reason.

We started trying to film the live-action short for class (which will be the kick-start of our live-action sketch comedy videos on the site). Good news, things went well. We had a good crew and everyone was easy to work with. I look forward to working with them again in the near future. Bad news? We got rained out after recording most of the first scene... so we'll have to reschedule and try again soon. Problem with that is that our schedules took forever to line up just this time around. So either we'll need to recast a person or two, or we'll have to use an alternate script for the class to get the project done in time. I don't like those options, because as I said, everything was going smoothly for a while. Last thing I want to do is make a big change and then not have that same excellent group that worked well the first time.

How good was this group? After that first attempt of recording the live-action sketch, we went to Taco Bell for that dinner I owed them. When we were there, we started recording a podcast there in the TB. Very spontaneous and impromptu. That was awesome and we said we'd have to do that again soon. After all that, some of us left, but a few of us stuck around to put together an impromptu “Let's Play” of Ninja Gaiden Sigma. Why? Again, no reason other than we had time and thought it'd be fun to do. Again, it was a good group that I loved working with and I'm hoping we can find a good day to do that again here really soon and finish the shoot.

That's part of the reason why I'm hesitant to leave Iowa City in the near future like I had been initially planning and returning to Des Moines. With no girlfriend, there's not as big a pull to return to the hometown. On top of that, I don't think I could get as good a group back in Des Moines for working on these projects like this. If I could, I would consider it more. But I like making videos, podcasts, let's plays, and so on. If I don't have people I could work with, why would I want abandon the people I have to work with? That said, I still am not a fan of my living situation. I want my own place with more space to do more stuff that would be easier to keep clean because then I'm not trying to clean up after other people all the time.

Anyway, the main reason I did one of these entries today is because I'm still depressed about the break up. I know, it's been three weeks or so now, but I'm still depressed about it. Why? I mean, things ended badly. She made me feel like garbage at the end. Why do I miss that or why am I depressed about not having that? Well, the thing is, while the bad moments were shit, there were a fair number of good moments and good things that worked. And, annoying as it is, I keep thinking about her. Not, like, all the time. But I'll just be sitting around playing a game, trying to do homework, doing naughty things, or writing and my thoughts will drift to her for some reason. Then everything just kind of slows down and I get a little depressed that not only can I not get over it, but because I know if I was given the opportunity at this moment, I would willingly go back to being with her, even though I'm still pretty miffed at shit she said when we talked last.

Would I like someone to talk to about this? Would I like to figure out a decent way to resolve this? Yes. But is there ever time? Usually not. Probably the worst part of all this. For as depressed and lonely as I get at times like this, I really don't set aside time to work on it because I have taken on too much as it is. Oh well. I'd better go. I'm going to try to update more regularly if I can.  

Tell You What I Want. What I Really Really Want...

Journal of Clarity – 032 – April 8, 2013

(be honest. How many of you got that song stuck in your head now? Yeah... me too)

As some of you are aware, I recently hit a string of relationships after a three-year being-single-period which didn’t end so well. Some issues were my fault, I’ll openly admit. Others were their fault. In both cases there were large issues and smaller issues which were the cause of everything spilling over and causing the end of both relationships… both relationships separated by a couple week period. The reason I bring this up is because in the interest of moving forward, I want to take time to look at what didn’t work and narrow down, from the past experiences, what I am looking for in a partner for the next time around. Why? Well, to help clarify this for myself in the future (Journal of Clarity and what not). Also, in the event some of you reading feel so inclined to assist (as some of you have before) you have a general idea of what works and what doesn’t. No, I’m not pushing or asking for help in looking for someone, but if you felt like you knew someone who fit the bill and wanted to subject them to a torturous time with me, then you at least know the person who would make that torturous experience with me the least torturous… so to speak.

Let’s examine the biggest issues in each relationship first before moving on to all of the smaller things that set stuff over the edge. The relationship with Susan was fun and filled with good chemistry, but the biggest problem was… well… the fact that there was another guy in the mix. This resulted in a lot of back-and-forth drama, which resulted in subsequent breakups with me eventually just walking away and being done, even when it seemed like he was gone completely. Clearly, the lesson to take away from this is to not even bother getting involved with girls that are with other guys at all and if they start messing with someone else, just walk away and don’t look back. Simple as that. Sure, I could fight (figuratively speaking) to win her over, but who is to say she’s worth it? Who is to say this won’t happen again? It’s like in Legend of Zelda when you have to “prove your worth” for the master sword only to them “prove your worth” for the next stupid pointless item to save the world. How many times do you want me to “prove my worth” before we get on to business? Do you want this world saved or not?

The biggest issue with the relationship with Rose, while it started off great and any misunderstandings were quickly resolved with simple explanations, eventually these misunderstandings exploded into outright stupidity and nonsensicalness. Arguments would start over little things without me even trying. It seemed like anytime I wanted to talk about something or tried to talk about something, I’d get my head bitten off with almost no provocation. On top of that, for all the talk about being able to understand people better than they understand themselves, she didn’t seem to get me at all. Nearing the end, she assumed almost every action I had was for some ulterior purpose to either be in her good graces or to sleep with her or whatever. It never occurred to her that I might, oh… I don’t know, actually care about her enough to just do those things because I like her and like doing nice things for people I care about and like that much? Yeah, I could have communicated better and, yeah, I wasn’t perfect either. But I never had this big miscommunication issues with Susan or with almost anyone else I know for that matter. So… yeah… Going to have to say that much like everything else in a relationship, communication problems are a two-sided issue.

Okay, so those were the biggest issues. Where do we go from here? I guess nit-picking smaller issues and using that to help narrow down the kind of person I’d like to be involved with next time. Seeing as how smaller issues tend to piss people off and I know at least one of my recent exes has read these posts, I’m going to just list them without attaching either of these features to a name. That said, as always, these posts aren’t meant to offend. Just me throwing thoughts at a wall, organizing them, and seeing what new ideas I can make of them.

I’ve noticed that I don’t like a girl who is near apathetic and doesn’t care about stuff, or says she doesn’t care about stuff. Because when you say “you don’t care” about a lot of different things, or nearly everything, it makes me wonder just how much you care about the relationship. But, more than that, it also gives the impression she’s willing to just settle for less and not make an effort to try something new or figure out what they want most out of life. Again, that’s just the impression I get. So I definitely want someone who is driven and passionate about something whether it be a hobby, a profession, or something else entirely.

Additionally, I’ve also learned that while hot-headedness has never really been that big an issue before, I apparently have limits. Being stubborn and opinionated is one thing, but being insulting and bullying when it comes to carrying an argument is something else entirely. So I guess one thing to add is that I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind, but isn’t an absolute bitch about it. Otherwise trying to talk with you isn’t going to be nearly as fun as it should be.

Getting sexual exploits (and physical closeness stuff) out of the way real quick before I move on, I’ll say this much: I like sex, but it isn’t something I necessarily will go out of my way to get. There’s a multitude of reasons for this, take your pick: (laziness, shyness, obliviousness, distracted, confused, sick, sleepy, etc). This isn’t to say I don’t want sex, but it’s generally something I’m not all that driven to just get for whatever reason. So, to kind of counterbalance this, ideally, I’d like a girl who is more sexually aggressive in that regard. Someone who makes her desires or intentions obvious so I’m not trying to read subtle signals that don’t really make sense. Someone who is willing to push me for it rather than just expect me to jump in and do it. Yeah, kind of weird, maybe, I guess. Make of it what you will.

Common interests? I won’t be too picky here because having some different interests allows for a wider variety of conversation. But I will say that a shared hobby like video games or table-top gaming would be awesome as something we can do with other people. Beyond that, like I said, not entirely picky. Maybe similar tastes in movies or music, but not necessarily the same. But I’d definitely would want someone who’s more interested in fashion and more of a social butterfly than I, given that I know nothing of fashion due to a general lack of interest/time to invest in thinking about it and I’m just all around anti-social because… reasons. So, hey, definitely don’t want someone who is exactly like me. I’d probably hate them to an unhealthy degree and tell them to fuck off. Also, someone much chattier than I from the get-go. Once you get to know me well or once I get comfortable around someone, I can go on for hours about anything so long as I have an interest in the topic or know something about it (or I see potential for good jokes). But until I get to that point, might want to be more chatty or at least willing to throw questions and prompt conversation. Just saiyan.

Clearly, they have to like animals because I intend to get a dog in the foreseeable future (hopefully within a year). Preferably big dogs, but I’ll be willing to compromise with a medium (if I have to). Cats are fine, but not my first choice. But no fucking weird animals like tarantulas or snakes because those are fucking weird and I would not want to sleep knowing there’s a giant fucking spider in a cage in the next room that wants to kill me and everyone I care about… *shudders* fucking hate spiders. Also, going on this tangent, I’d love to have kids someday in the future, after I have a career kind of pinned down and I’m financially well-off. So, preferably, someone who is interested or at least willing to keep that idea on the table.

Lastly (I’m sure there’s more I can say, but due to lack of time and lack of ideas at the moment, this is where I’ll end my rambling), they have to have a flexible sense of humor. They have to be willing to deal with sarcasm, exaggeration, horrible puns, decent puns, referential shenanigans, made up words, and attempts of cleverness that fail because of reasons. I’m not a funny guy, but somehow I do funny things (sometimes intentionally). So, it’d be nice if instead of misunderstanding the bizarreness that is me, to perhaps, find the potential joke or humor I may or may not have been aiming for at that moment.

I can’t think of anything else at the moment. Granted, I know there’s plenty more I can throw into this list of ideal ideas for a person I’d like to be with but I can’t really put my finger on what else I’d want… Um… OH! Female! That’s important because, well, yeah. Not really interested in anything else unless it’s Robert Downey Jr… or wearing a Robert Downey Jr mask. And in either of those cases, I imagine a MASSIVE amount of drugs would be needed for me to go for it. Like… enough to knock-out a fucking horse.

Ending with an unrelated topic. After the B-Day, got a few new games to play and I already started a few.

Of what I bought, but have yet to touch, I have Trials Evolution: Gold, Lollipop Chainsaw, Vanquish, Super Mario RPG, Phantasy Star II, Final Fantasy III (6), Sin & Punishment,

And from what I’ve played, there’s MegamanX and Super Mario World. Both are games I kind of suck at. Part of the reason is because of the arrangement of buttons on the controller mixed with the controls for the specific games themselves. Both of them have “hold to run” button, but it’s awkwardly positioned in relationship to the attack or jump buttons, making playing the game physically painful. And, unlike playing on a PC, you can’t rearrange controls on Wii Virtual Console games. That said, don’t tell me you can on XBLA or PSN games because you can’t play Super Mario World on either of those, so that wouldn’t fucking solve the problem, it would just be a new problem entirely. That said, I like them both thus far. Just wish MegamanX had some save points in the game and wasn’t a password thing.

Looking forward to finding time to play all those RPGs though, in addition to finishing (eventually) Secret of Mana and Chrono Trigger. Sin & Punishment is something else entirely, I think, and it’s a Japanese-Only title, so I’m looking forward to seeing what Japan’s been holding out on us for the past decade. Maybe then I’ll start boarding the “give us Mother 3” bandwagon when I’m done too.

I got the Marvel Cinematic Universe today. Opened almost right after I got home. It is glorious in every sense of the word. I can’t wait to look through the special features on the blurays and see all of the cool deleted scenes and special  segments that I haven’t seen before.

On the 10^th is when the first crossover issue of Megaman is released. Something else is happening the 11^th, but I keep forgetting what, like, almost instantly. Oh, right, season finale of Archer. The 14^th begins the newest season of Two Best Friends Play, which is awesome. Later this month, we also have the return of Sanity Not Included with new characters and stuff. Lots of cool things coming out in just a few days and it all looks pretty awesome! Anyay, I’m off. I got games to play. Homework to do. And snacks to eat. 

Shout Outs and Thanks For All the Memories

Journal of Clarity – 31 – April 7^th, 2013

Let's do a few shout outs this excellent April 7^th to a long list of people well-deserving of shout outs!

First, shout out to those who passed away this past week. Please offer a moment of silence to these people. First, Roger Ebert, big name in film criticism. His influence is responsible for the jobs of many people I follow online. I may not have always agreed with him, but he will be missed. Muppet co-creator Jane Henson also passed away. Not a fan of muppets myself, I know plenty of people who were and will likely be bummed by this. No other big names I'm familiar with have left us this week, but my most recent ex-girlfriend's aunt passed away this week. I don't know her name, but I know how important family is and I send a shout out that way as well in memory of her and all these people (all three).

Secondly, today is Jackie Chan's B-Day and we have to do a shout out to him. The man is an international treasure capable of making people smile with his silly hybrid of martial arts, gymnastics, and goofy antics. Here's hoping for many more great years of this amazing person.

Next, shout out to everyone for the birthday wishes and gifts yesterday! No names changed because you don't change names for a shout out (that's just rude). So shout outs to: Yoko, Rie, Josh, Alison, Tim, Evan, Jamie, Andie, Amber, Josh (yes, there were two), Magnus, Jon, Grandma, Grandpa, my aunt, Rob, and Ben (aka Kyle). It's a short list, to be sure, but you are all cool people and it was nice to hear from all of you. (Yes, parents too, but that was sort of obvious). Also, shout out to Ubisoft (again) for the 30% off on a game and to Gamestop for the coupon I was sent for... I think 10% off a used game. Not much, sure, but it was cool to get. Also, shout out to Mike (not the roommate) for the Flash comic I got earlier this week. Not only was it a Flash comic, but it had a cameo appearance by CYBORG of the Teen Titans. That just made my day there.

So being another year older and being able to look back at all that's happened, what have I learned and how can I apply it going forward into the next year?

For starters, recently was the first time in practically 3 years when I got into a relationship again. Not only that, I was, essentially, involved in two different relationships within a short amount of time (but, obviously, not the same time). In one way, it was nice to be in that again, but neither relationship worked out for different reasons but having gone through all that, I certainly learned a lot about the kind of girl I want to be with now (or at least refined the idea of that more). I will touch on that in a later entry. But, for now, I'm taking a break from the relationship game because of all the projects coming up nearing the end of school. I want to focus on getting all that done before I consider getting involved with anyone else for the time being. That said, if someone happens to show up that happens to be interesting enough to convince me otherwise, I won't say no. But I'm not going to be actively looking for a little while. Need a break.

I learned within the past few years that the English Major is a major joke. I went into it for creative writing and ended up leaving it without getting much out of the English-portion of the English Major. Hindsight says that at least the business major would have helped me know how to better market the “creative” products I could make. A film major would not only have kept my interest, but also been useful in conjunction with a creative writing focus. A history major... would have been just as useless but at least I wouldn't have hated every second of it.

But more importantly is I have a general idea of what I want to do with my future, which is something I've been struggling to nail down for the past year. I want to get into filmmaking, sort of. I look at what an online production company, like Rooster Teeth, has done and I think to myself, I want to do that! I want to be a part of that! I know I'm not alone, as a job there is a dream job for a plethora of gamers, aspiring filmmakers, programmers, and many more. I won't get my hopes up chasing a job that could be impossible, but I won't just roll over and settle for less. I'm going to at least try to make it. If not that, I'll try starting my own thing and going from there. It won't be easy and I'll have to find a dedicated team of people to back me up because I know I can't do it alone. But if it was going to be easy, it wouldn't be nearly as fun or worthwhile.

I've learned a lot about myself. My limits, my goals, and what I want to do knowing all that I have come to learn and/or understand. So within the next year, I intend to make some changes to make some of that possible.

What are my goals for the next year?

First, I want to get into a stable relationship with someone who actually gets me and doesn't just say they do. Again, I'll go into this in more detail in a few days (if I remember). But I'd like to have found someone within a year who just works with me.

Second, I want to have that job I can be proud of having. Rooster Teeth is a pipe dream, but it's what I'm shooting for. If I can have something similar, something that allows me to work on a team of creative people making content to entertain people, I'd be happy with that because that's what I want to do. I like making film. I like writing stories. I like working on a team of people with the same goal or idea in mind to accomplishing that goal.

Third, in a year, I want to be in better shape. Preferably sooner, but I'll give myself a year to play it safe. I have ideas on how to do this, including running on a treadmill while playing videogames, working out on a punching bag, changing the eating habits, getting back into Tae Kwon Do, and I'm sure I can come up with more.

Fourth, I want to finish at least one book or collection of stories within this year. I have been sitting on plenty of ideas for years. I just need to find a way to express them in a way that makes sense to a wide audience, not just me. So I'm taking a few of my more solid ideas and simplifying them as much as possible until I am comfortable with them, and then adding more layers and complications until it's at the level I feel is worth for publication. We'll see how well that goes.

Fifth, I want to have read all of the Sonic comics produced by Archie Comics. This includes Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic Universe. I also want to have read all the Mega Man comics too. And while I want to read them all, I'll just say I want to read more comics from Iron Man and The Flash because I find all these characters fascinating and entertaining. So why not try to read them all, right?

Those are my five goals for the next year. Clearly, there are some that are easier than others. Others require a larger amount of luck than others. But I feel having goals in mind and working towards those is a good way to go from here.

As I go forward with these, I would appreciate any and all help any of you are willing to offer on these. If you want to help me meet people, great. If you want to help with film projects, perhaps helping make our own production company in the process, awesome! If you want to work out with me, nice! (and so on). I'm not asking for help, but I'm open to the idea if any of you feel like stepping in and lending a hand, especially since I know trying to take on all these tasks at once is a tad daunting. But I still want to try anyway.

That's all for today. I'll see you all again soon. 

Despite All My Rage, I'm Still Just a Rat In a Cage

Journal of Clarity – 031 – April 5, 2013

Disclaimer: Once again, I will be switching up on pretty much everything I said last time. This is due to a recent conversation that has rather pissed me off. Additionally, I'm going to sound rather pissed off and this may turn into an angry rant. In which case, apologies in advance, as I was hoping this would be a more fun post as well. Oh well.

I've tried to be nice and civil about the whole ordeal despite how much I've also said it sucks. But a recent conversation with Rose has pushed me to the point where all I can really say is this, “Fuck you, Rose. Seriously, stop being pissed at me and assuming you know what the fuck I'm trying to do for five fucking seconds and just accept me at face value for a moment, alright?”

Need a run down? As I mentioned earlier this week, her aunt recently died. I sent a message giving her my condolences because I remember how hard she says death hits her and I was concerned given that it hasn't been entirely too long since her grandfather's passing, which I know was a MAJOR deal to her (not exaggerating, like it was pretty rough from how she told me). I wanted to make sure she was doing alright in light of all this because, as I stated last time, I do care about her beyond all reason. Well, I'm in Des Moines now because I was going to spend my birthday with family, friends, and her. Then we broke up and it has widdled down to being more like family because I have yet to hear from any of the friends in the general area, not that I would have had much more to do in Iowa City, but whatever.

I sent Rose a message before I left. I pretty much said that I will still be in the area this weekend and if she felt like hanging out for a bit, that would be cool. I like hanging with her and I wanted to see how she was doing. Yeah, it was my birthday, but given how we just broke up, I was pretty certain she wouldn't have interest in celebrating that anyway. I figured I'd get ignored more, but didn't think it was that big a deal.

The response I got... holy shit. She pretty much jumps down my throat and gives me shit about how I'm being an asshole and asking her to celebrate my birthday with me during the same week her aunt died. I say that I don't give a shit about my birthday and I just want to see how she's doing and make sure everything's okay. Then she gives me crap about how I'm just trying to get in good graces with her and try to be a comforting hero and all that bullshit, like I have some ulterior motive. Fact is, I really don't. She said we could be friends. If a friend I had was going through this shit and I cared about them to the same level as her (and there are a few that make that cut) I would ask them how they're doing. I would give them my condolences. I would ask if they wanted to hang out, talk about it, and just kind of get away from all that mess for even a bit just to get your/their mind off of it for a little bit.

I'm hurt that she thinks I'm this sleazy and low to try and manipulate the situation to work in my favor simply to get back with her. I'm shocked she thinks I'm that heartless and careless. For someone who says they're great at reading people and understanding people, she doesn't understand a fucking thing about me or how I operate. I was depressed for the past week about how things ended and how I failed to make things work out. But if this is seriously how she thinks I am and if arguments crop up every time I try to do something nice for sake of being nice because that's just what I do, then, yes, clearly things were going to be fucking doomed from the start.

I take responsibility for the relationship failing. I was an idiot who couldn't get his head in the game. But that doesn't excuse this nonsense. I get that she's grieving and might say or do irrational things in the process (since that's typically what happens when ANYONE grieves is the increased likelihood of irrational action). But, I'm sorry, even I think this is a bit much.

If she ever does try to speak to me again and she does apologize for being this brutal and lashing out at me in this regard, then I will accept and we can move on towards being friends (or whatever). But I doubt that will happen, and I feel that this whole experience is chalked up to a total waste in that case. But if she wants to throw everything away and treat me like garbage tier, then that's her prerogative. As for me, all I can say is, “Fuck you, I tried to be civil about this whole thing. I tried to be a friend after all was said. But if you can't treat me as such, then why do I even want to try anymore. I'm still going to miss you and all the good times we had, and good times we could have had. But it isn't worth it if every time I try to speak to you I feel like garbage because of what you say or too timid to say anything because of what stupid bullshit argument will result from it.”

You think you know me? You clearly don't know a fucking thing about me. So don't judge my actions as if you do, because you're wrong and it makes you look like a stupid bitch for assuming as such.

Wow. I don't usually get this pissed at people. If I do, I usually keep it to myself because I don't like insulting people, making them feel bad, or calling them out on it. But, like I said, all I've tried to do is be nice because I like/liked and care/cared about her and this is how I get treated in the process. Let's change subject and try to end this on a positive note (because I am pissed and seriously need a change of subject after this).

I want to talk about the Sonic x Megaman crossover build-up I've been reading. I finished all the Megaman comics I bought and I'm almost finished with all the Sonic comics... and I REALLY want more. I really love what I've read so far, in both franchises. I have never played Megaman, but the comics make me really want to jump into the games and give them a try. The Sonic comics make me we wish the games had a story more in line with the comics instead of having Sonic make out with some weird red-head human princess (bullshit is bullshit).

In Megaman, I like the personality of Megaman. He's a reluctant hero, a guy who was originally just a helper bot but in order to help his creator, he has to take on this role of a fighter, a role he never wanted and is still hesitant to take up from time to time. Yeah, it has a large amount of “the hero's journey” in it, but it works very well, and I didn't expect that to be part of it. I also like it in comparison to the Megaman NT Warrior anime I watched when I was younger because it puts Megaman into the real world instead of being a digital character in a digital plane of existence.

The sale I bought them for didn't have comics 9-19 on sale, but I might go back and buy them because I want to know what happened in between what I have read, and I really just like all that's happened so far. Protoman, supposedly, has made an appearance in there somewhere. I want to see if Bass gets more of an appearance there as well. Where I left off (the last issue before the crossover event that is released later this month) Dr. Wily enters a portal that supposedly takes him to the world of Mobius (Sonic's world) to meet Dr. Robotnik. In the Megaman comics, there is no hint as to where he's going or who he's seeing.

That said, on to the Sonic comics. Where I'm at now, there is no hint YET that the crossover event is happening, but I am still a few issues from getting there, so we'll see if it crops up soon. For the Sonic comics, I love the expanded depth of Sonic's universe. The additional cities, characters, and events make the games look shallow by comparison, and that's sad because I still love the games. But I wish the games offered a more in depth world for me to enjoy that the comics are offering.

That said, the thing I love most about the comics is Dr. Ivo Eggman Robotnik. In the comics, he's absolutely evil and insane. The games portray him as cartoonishly stupid with rather lame plans that don't make much sense. But in the comics, while some plans seem a tad strange, he has done some rather evil stuff that makes me love him more. He's killed several major characters already or at least put them into critical conditions. He goes and robotizes (turns into a robot) a major character, turns others into his cyborg minons, and it's all just... good. Really really good.

The crossover event begins on the 10^th with the release of Megaman #24 (I think). And I couldn't be more excited for it. I know I've already gone on this tangent. But I was/am pissed and needed SOMETHING to kind of get me off that for a bit. Because, well, fuck all that shit.

Anyway, I'm done for today. Don't expect a post tomorrow. Taking a day off for the B-Day. Might not post the next day either (depends if anything interesting happens). All that said, don't expect me to talk about Rose at length again... for a while anyway. I'm done with that nonsense unless I'm given a good reason to do otherwise. She will be missed, but clearly she was not as genuine about her agreement of friendship as I was. A shame really.  

You Light Up My World, Like Nobody Else

Journal of Clarity – 30 - April 4, 2013

Yeah. I skipped a few entries again. Why? Because in the one I skipped, I do a small rambling as to me not getting why, even though we said being friends is cool, Rose isn’t talking to me at all. Then I went into a long rant about a game I’ve been playing a lot recently. I skipped it not because I don’t want to post it, but because something else has come up I feel is more important and perhaps will better reflect how I feel about the whole thing. Before I do, I have one shout-out I HAVE to do… as it is important.

To the amazing and talented, and forever perfect human being that is Robert Downey Jr. … Happy Birthday. I don’t quite know how old you are, but I, along with everyone else that matters, don’t really care. We love you because you are great in just about every way. We’re all looking forward to seeing you in Iron Man 3 in about a month. And we hope you continue to do great work in Marvel Studios as well as anywhere else your amazing talent takes you. Thank God for you, RDJ…

Now on with the more serious and emotional stuff.

I was on blogger (since that’s where I post these) and I remember as I was looking at stuff that Rose had two blogs she kept. She hadn’t updated the one I hadn’t been following since last September, so I never really looked at it much. But I did today because having not updated the one I was following, I thought maybe there’d be something there worth looking at. Turns out there was… and seeing it kind of hits home a bit.

http://ruonna.blogspot.com/2013/03/will-it-last.html

Read it if you want. But if you do, don’t spam her blog or anything with immature or hateful stuff. Even after all the bullshit that happened between us, she doesn’t deserve that.

Reading that, like I said, hit me pretty hard. It showed just how much she really wanted this to work and how afraid she was that all her effort would be for nothing. Yeah, the idea behind what she was doing was for fun, but it’s something she follows and takes seriously to some level. And the worst part of it is that it ended up being right (for the most part).

Thus far, everyone has told me that I can do better than her and that she’s a bitch and wasn’t worth it. And while you people might have some credibility and might be right on some level, that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t just feel it, but I know that I am responsible for how everything fell apart and failed to work out. 100% blame? I wouldn’t go quite that far, but I was clearly the problem with the relationship and rather than put more effort into correcting that, I focused on other problems with myself rather than focusing on us and being with her.

It makes me feel like absolute garbage tier when it looked like she had a lot of faith and hope that things were going to work out with us so long as no one else whisked either of us away. But it wasn’t someone else that kept me from being able to be with her. It was me not being able to get out of my own head. Not only did I fail to meet my own expectations and live up to what I thought I could do, what I thought I had been able to change to, but I failed to live up to that hope she had in me. I annoyed her with my own problems. I disappointed her by not living up to what either of us thought I was capable of. I wasted her time and I feel awful about it.

Now she won’t even talk to me, (as I mentioned in the unaired entry 29) for question about how her job search went or me expressing condolences for the loss of a family member, and I can’t stand it. You know why? Because after seeing this and after all the shit we have been through, I still want to be with her. I still care about her enough to put aside how shit I feel from all this to worry about how she’s doing. I want to make it up to her not because I feel bad about not being good enough, but because she deserves better than the poor attempt I was making at our relationship before.

No, this isn’t about sex, that’s usually never my motivation for anything. This is about me actually giving a shit about someone else because I like them as a person just that much. If sex was really that important to me, I wouldn’t have left that unstable relationship with Susan to be with Rose. If sex were that important to me, trying to be physically close/intimate with someone is something you’d think I’d have worked on to be great it by now (or at least adequate). [For those asking, I was accused of this being a motivation for me doing/saying things when I was with Rose. This is me pointing out how untrue that is].

I guess you guys and disregard just about everything I’ve said up until this point. Yeah, I go back and forth a lot on some things don’t I? But, seriously, looking back at what I’ve written up until now and seeing this writing from her, I’ve come to this conclusion. She is a good person, and an amazing woman I had in my life that only gave me a tremendous amount of shit because I deserved it (or at least some of it) and rather than work towards making things better, I choose, essentially, to do nothing or believe that nothing was wrong or I could do everything myself. I feel like a fool and I’d give just about anything to go back and try again, and this time do it right.

But part of my, that cynical side of me that is usually right about everything, believes that will never happen. She made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. I deserve that. But regardless, I can’t change the way I feel about her, not easily anyway. Maybe if I’m lucky she’ll see this (somehow) and know that I mean everything I say here. She’ll read this and consider giving me one last chance to not fuck things up (in a bad way). But that’s the optimistic fool in me thinking that if I try hard enough and work hard enough towards something or someone, good things will happen.

I’ll end it here for now. I guess. Not sure where else to go with this at the moment, especially since I should be finishing that Japanese History paper (distracting myself from that is only easier with Megaman/Sonic comics, an online retro game emulator, and Recettear). But know this… Rose… if you are reading this… and part of me hopes you are… I do care about you, even though it didn’t seem like it, I do. I’d do damn near anything to have one last chance. I wasn’t there for you before like I should have been. I want to be there for you now more than ever. I just wish I had come to this conclusion long before now.

…

…

…

(And, no, I’m not using the word love yet, especially here on the internet. Given the situation, that will only come off as desperate and should I be ignored, it will only make me look pathetic. But… it’s close to that. I’ll say that much. Yeah. I’m an idiot. I’ve heard it before, shut up). 

No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are

Journal of Clarity – 028 – April 3, 2013

(Yes, this marks the first entry where you can guess what the title references. Have fun)

You’ll notice, if you’re paying attention, that I skipped entry #027 and you might be asking yourself why would I do that? Certainly the goal was to share everything with you guys while I work things out and what not. That’s very much true. However, entry #027 was rather stupid, in my opinion, as it was a list of all the things that Rose and I argued about, followed by a list of things that have been keeping me in high spirits (or at least middle spirits) during this whole thing. The latter list came off as me promoting things for you to watch or play, the former list was me, in my opinion, taking things a bit too far. Fact is I do still care about her and I would do anything to make things work out again. And things like that, clearly, don’t help my case at all.

Today’s entry WAS going to be a counter-argument to that entry as well. It would list off all the good memories I had with her and why I still think there’s something worthwhile in a relationship with her. But the more I look back on how things were with Rose and I, hindsight certainly gives me a much clearer… um… thing to look at. Things started off well, but slow, and then, shortly afterwards, it was miscommunications on both sides on both the listening and speaking aspects. Both of us had different mindsets going into this, or at least I think we did. In short, the chemistry wasn’t there to make it work out. Yes, there were problems, but a strong relationship in which both people are willing to work past those issues is a relationship with good chemistry.

I think part of what attributed to that (aside from me being me) was the long distance thing. Our primary source of communication was texting and instant messaging and we only got to see each other in person once every other week. That, to me, is stressful because I’ve never been a fan of text-only communication. To me, a lot of what someone says is lost when you don’t have tone of voice and body language to help convey the extra meaning behind the words being said. This is especially true in our case when she tended to exaggerate quite a bit and I tended to make jokes and be sarcastic when I felt it was fitting. But in a straight-faced text-only format, both of us came off as rather literal with little evidence beyond that to suggest otherwise. And, I’m sorry, but only getting to see someone I really care about for MAYBE 24 hours in a two week period seems low, especially if that person and I are intending to make a relationship out of it. I’m not asking to be with you every day of the week, but a few days doesn’t seem like its asking for much.

But I digress, things are over now and, from where I’m sitting now, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to rectify what’s happened. She no longer responds to me for even a casual conversation, even though she has said she is fine being friends, which to me comes off as rude, considering how much shit you were giving me at the end. I’m still allowed to be in the D&D group with her, but a part of me gets the impression that I won’t enjoy it nearly as much as I would have prior to all this. I’ll still try to be a part of it, but if push comes to shove, I’ll just ask for my character to be killed off and just walk out.

Yes, for the most part, I’m “over it” even though I still wish that I could do something to make up for it and fix things. I’m over it in the sense I’m not longer depressed about the loss, I guess. This is mostly because of the recent amount of distractions from school keeping me busy. It’s amazing how after every major relationship, I have a boom of creativity that involves trying to make me laugh with stupid shenanigans. After my relationship with Nicole, I spend the better part of three years in school drawing spoof comics in classes and sharing them with friends. They got pretty hilarious at times, often parodying popular anime and making game references. Unfortunately, I lost four of the five notebooks I filled with that material. Such a sad day that was.

During my first relationship with Rose, I was developing a series called Utopia World which was a fantasy/action series that lacked direction. After we broke up, I spent more time playing with it and found some interesting ways to give it more direction. And now? Well, I have developed three to four different ideas for short film projects for class, each of which is basically a sketch comedy piece, but all of which are something I actually have a desire to do. I know I have the people willing to assist (Russell, Shawn, Mike, Beau, Gary, and I’m sure I can get more). It’s just a matter of scheduling and making things happen.

Despite the fact that I’m “over it” and distracted with other things, I am not ready for another relationship yet. Not even close. What do I need to do to get ready? I need to fucking graduate college first. Get one less thing in my life tying up my schedule so I can go out and do things more easily. Next, I need a better job, which I’ll go for after I decide on whether I’m going to move, where I’m going to move, and what’s available where I’m going to be at. But for as nice as it is to be don’t working at noon, I’m really tired of these 4:30 AM shifts. I can’t go out late with friends and I’m too tired to do anything after the fact. Not to mention I’d like to be able to have time in the morning to work out, eat a decent breakfast, take a shower, and wake up before I actually have to go out to work. At 4:30, I’m up, eat something from the microwave, and then rush out the door without time to really do much else. I’m tired of that.

Once I’ve done that, I will be ready to try again. Because then I can make time for going out and meeting people more easily (which may end up with me just playing games instead). To sum up, I need to change my routine and get out of this rut I’m in and make what I do on a daily basis something I can be proud or excited about so that I’m more confident in myself and more willing to engage with other people, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, there’s a limitation to what I can realistically do in the space I’m in and with the schedule I currently have. So, going to have to put a pin in that one until I can deal with it.

In unrelated news, I’m excited because April is finally here! What’s so great about April other than it being the birthday of some rather important people (Jackie Chan, Hitler, Tony Danza, William Shakespeare, Jet Li, John Cena, Hank Azaria, Ulysses S Grant, Conan O’Brien, George Takei, and ROBERT DOWNEY JR)? (Yes, that last one actually surprised me). Well… LET ME TELL YOU!

First off, we’re now only a MONTH away from the new IRON MAN 3 and that alone is enough. But released this month will be the cross-over comic series of Worlds Collide in which the blue blur and the blue bomber (Sonic and Megaman) will be sharing a universe to stop Robotnik and Wily and their latest scheme. Being a huge fan of Sonic and always wanting to get into Megaman, I can’t think of a better thing than this. This month also has an interesting movie release. This week we have the 3D re-release of my favorite movie ever… Jaws… no, I’m just fucking with you! It’s Jurassic Park, only the greatest movie ever made. Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman star in a movie coming out later this month, Oblivion, not to be confused with The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I might pass on that, simply for the fact I don’t give a flying fuck about anything Tom Cruise is in. Seriously, Jack Reacher was a very bland movie, and still considering the best thing Tom Cruise has been in… aside from his cameo in Tropic Thunder.

Injustice: Gods Among Us is also coming out later this month and I can actually get it for the consoles I won (woot). It looks like a very well made fighting game featuring all of the most popular DC characters (Flash is the best) and I can’t wait to get my hands on it. Also, later this month, XLBA exclusive, Dust: An Elysian Tail is coming to PC (on STEAM) and that always looked really cool, so looking forward to that as well. Speaking of super heroes (referring to the DC fighting game) this is also the month when the long delayed Marvel Avengers Collector’s Edition is getting a release… and I remember ordering that WAAAY back in, like, September or October of last year. Hopefully that order did go through and I do get it because that thing looked so fucking hype.

This is also the month where I’ll be working hardcore on that final film project for my modes of film class, now that I have a general idea of what I want to do. I have it narrowed down to a game-within-a-game gag, a sketch comedy gag we had during the early formation of E-Vac Station, and I know we can make a few others worth doing as well. Needless to say, I’m excited.

Yeah, just the SonicxMegaman crossover would have been enough to make this month awesome. But there’s actually a lot of cool stuff happening. Can’t wait to see how it all goes down. (Just wish there was someone to share it all with). Oh well. See ya next time. 

Double Dose: Dealing With It and A Game Rant.

Journal of Clarity – 026 – March 31, 2013

You know what I think I miss most about being with Rose? When we were talking, and not arguing, it was always nice to wake up and see a text from her from our conversation the night before she sent after I had fallen asleep. It was nice to know there was someone I could message when I went to break at work rather than just sit there and do nothing. In short, it was nice to know there was someone out there who I could always just talk to about whatever and enjoy it. It’s a shame all that conversation devolved into arguments over little things that were somehow actually big things, which all managed to be completely unavoidable.

I don’t want to talk about that now. It is still depressing to think about this whole mess and where it has left me. It’s just a shame there really isn’t anything else going on to distract me and make me think about something else. I guess there’s school, but it’s not like that’s ever been distracting or interesting enough to keep my attention for an entire day. There’s work… HA! So, yeah, not much else is going on at the moment. I’ve fallen behind on video editing for the youtube channel but that’s partly because of this and partly because of all the school stuff happening this week (two project-related things for film, a mid-term for Japanese History as well as a paper all in the same week). So in between bouts of homework when I’m not occupied with something else, I do a little writing here and that’s about it. Can’t wait for school to be done so I can free up more time to actually go out and DO stuff without worrying about deadlines or big projects I have little investment in.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the film class. But thus far, there hasn’t been a project I’ve had my heart set to yet. The first one, the one-shot, was fun, but I wished I could have soloed that because I had a heart attack about us having to do it all last minute because she got sick and I wasn’t informed about it. The second, the soundscape/interview, was probably the one I liked most because it was simple and allowed me to work with sound editing, which I enjoy doing. The third, the class project, I wish we could have gone more in line with the idea I had (about the hokey kung-fu parody with bad puns and goofy subtitles). Instead we did a parody of a murder story, which wasn’t bad in the end, but still not what I was all that interested in doing. Now we’re on the final project, and while I have some idea of things I’d like to do that falls in line with the parameters of the project, none of it is something I ultimately WANT to do. I’d love to do more sketch comedy based stuff, but it doesn’t seem like that falls into what we’re supposed to do, so I guess I’ll have to find something else more usable.

I’m planning on going to Shawn’s (name not changed for promotional reasons) comedy thing tomorrow night at the Yacht club. I usually don’t go because by that time, I’m already exhausted from work and I typically don’t have anyone to go with. But I want to get out and do something aside from being depressed at home. So I’ll just sit in a bar with strangers, not drinking, and just watch some people tell jokes for a little over an hour. Who knows? Maybe I’ll meet someone there where I can make things work out (relationship wise) or maybe I’ll just be ignored entirely and just sit around doing what I essentially intended to do. Or maybe I’ll get run over by a bus before I can make it into the building. A lot can happen. Hopefully the first two over the last one… buses are not fun to be run over by.

Let’s talk more game related stuff today because I like ending with that and it lightens the mood a bit. And I’ll just continue to tack it on at the end so those who aren’t interested can just read the personal bits without having to put up with my nerdy-nonsense. Though I never got feedback from anyone and now I’m wondering exactly who is reading this and why? What interest do you have in what I have to say and why are you being so quiet about it rather than responding and engaging in conversation? Especially since I’ve already said I’d love to get some advice or help figuring this shit out. Or maybe the lot of you are just creepy stalkers biding their time to secretly kill me. Either way, I’d say the lack of response or input from you people is kind of rude… anyway! Games!

April 1, 2013

So one thing I tend to do is start a journal entry and then forget to actually save it (or for you online folks, post it). I end up leaving it open, finding it the next day, and then continuing from where I left off making it a longer entry and possibly covering multiple topics or extending one longer than it should be. This started happening a lot when I started talking and hanging out with Rose and I’m not sure what necessarily started this trend. Either way, now you get a double dose of stuff for the same price. Yay.

For once, the place I hate the most, work, has become the one place I actually end up being in a good mood at, which is probably the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever said. I don’t like the job for a multitude of reasons (which I won’t get into here and now). But yesterday I got to work with Alan and Woody (these names are changed FYI) and not to sell the rest of the people I work with short, but these two just made my day with all the jokes, comic-book hero discussion, and just all-around having a good time with random and pointless conversations. It wasn’t enough to make me forget all the shit that’s been going down, but it certainly made me a smidge less depressed.

And you know what, I really miss that. I miss having a group of people I regularly hang out with to do that kind of stuff with. Back in Des Moines, we had a group of us that would meet, usually once a week, and we’d just spend a night playing games, watching TV/movies, and just messing around doing whatever. When I moved here, it took a while, but met some cool people and we started the same kind of thing again. It was different, but still good. Then that group fell apart for a multitude of reasons and here we are with me not really having that group of friends I can just do that with or talk to about shit I’m going through. I mean, I sort of have that with our podcast, but that’s not really the same now… is it?

So begins April… boy I was hoping this would be a much more uplifting day given that it’s April Fool’s Day and I’m only 370 days away from my 24^th birthday when I’ll proudly post up images from 24 and talk in a mock-Jack-Bauer voice all day. But I’ll just have to settle for 23 in just five days, which is good, I guess, though not nearly as funny. Two more years and I’m legally old enough to rent a car (is that still 25?). For the past month, I was looking forward to this being a fun week of me finishing projects and then headed out to Des Moines to see family, friends, girlfriend, dog, and just have a good time for a weekend. Now it’s become significantly less exciting. Not that getting to see family isn’t fun, but well, you know.

I had a subject I wanted to talk about for today, but on second thought, I’ll hold off on it. I’m not in the best of moods still and I don’t really want to open up that Pandora’s box of negativity at the moment, so I’ll save that for later this week if I remember. What is it? I won’t spoil it because that’s part of the fun.

I will say that future entries will be given fun titles from next entry onwards. Each one will be a reference to a movie, TV show, book, comic, game, joke, or webseries and if you choose to participate, all you have to do is guess what it is and you earn points. Simple as that. This is another one of my ways to encourage feedback and responses from people because, as I previously mentioned, I feel like I’m just writing to a bunch of people who are afraid to type on their keyboard or let their connection to me actually be known. It’s okay guys, it’s the internet. No one is going to judge you for responding the problems of a 23 year old guy who can’t seem to keep his life together for more than a month at a time.

As for a new topic to talk about in the mean time? Again, let’s go back to games for a bit because what the fuck else would be more interesting?

I’ve been accused before of being out of touch when it comes to films, fashion, and music. For the latter two, yeah, I’ll admit to it. I’ve never really cared about clothes because I don’t find them all that interesting and only wear them to serve the purpose of not being nude and breaking certain laws society has constructed (or subjecting people to seeing me nude). As for music, well, I just have odd tastes. I like instrumental stuff over vocals. I like songs that make me laugh because they serve the purpose of being both entertaining and fun. And I like songs that just sound epic. Otherwise, to me, it’s all background sound to fill silence that I only kind of pay attention to.

As for films… please. I may not follow films to the same degree as I do videogames, but I do keep track of upcoming titles (beyond superhero ones) worth looking at (so hype for Pacific Rim). I am aware of who a variety of actors, directors, and even some writers are working behind the scenes. That said, I’m terrible with actresses, but I largely blame how most of the movies I see only cast the same few females or don’t have any major females for me to really pick out. Plus none get the same name repetition as big male names like Johnny Depp or Will Smith or Robert Downey Jr. Just saiyan. So this accusation didn’t sit well with me when it came up.

But what sort of bugged me in this accusation was the lack of the interactive entertainment (videogames), as if the pop-culture relevance of gaming is irrelevant in comparison to the rest of the spectrum of “trends.” Especially when I tend to view games more as interactive art than being simple toys. I follow gaming news on a daily basis. I keep track of some of the bigger names in gaming, know a lot of the developers and publishers (by name, not personally) working on given projects, and I know big issues facing the industry and what kind of things to expect in gaming-trends. There’s a lot more going on in this circle of entertainment in art than most people who don’t follow don’t really give it credit for.

So to prove my point, here’s some stuff about gaming I know that you may not have heard or known about. Just random small bits, nothing too major.

Within the past year, at least three major publishers have either closed down or lost their president/CEO for reasons related to their company not making enough money with their products. THQ was one of these, but that one became obvious when the losses of the uDraw device were made public. Apparently even the hot-commodity that is Saints Row couldn’t even make up for those losses. This resulted in a lot of different IPs being sold off to other publishers and developers, while some (like the Darksiders franchise) were left in the dust… for a while anyway.

EA’s big boss, John Ricetello also stepped down from running his asshole of a corporation. Apparently the studio wasn’t making the profits it wanted and it was considered a failure these past couple years. Ricetello accepted the blame for all of it, like a decent CEO would, and stepped down from running the company. While sales numbers haven’t come out yet for Dead Space 3, I know it has sold quite well, but EA’s board of directors essentially said that it needed to sell at least 5 million copies in order to keep the franchise going. This is ludicrous for series that was once part of a niche genre (horror).

Square Enix’s headhoncho (Yoichi Iwada) also stepped down from his role in the overbloated movies-as-games publisher (you know, Final Fantasy, and that business). What I wasn’t aware of is that they were responsible for publishing not only the recent Hitman Absolution, but also the new Tomb Raider and Deus Ex: Human Revolution… and apparently all of these popular titles, despite making millions, failed to meet their “required” marks to satisfy a boardroom of old men who don’t know shit about videogames and market them in all the wrong ways. It’s not a surprise that this kind of stuff has been happening.

This is an issue a lot of publishers like EA and developers under them (like Visceral and Bioware) are facing in that the publishers are pushing for larger budgets to have larger teams of people working on games, enhancing the cutscenes and graphics to levels that are financially pointless, forcing multiplayer into experiences that don’t need multiplayer, shoveling in DRM and calling it a “feature,” and homogenizing games as a whole so they have broader appeal to a larger market than the niche markets they once had some dominance in. In short, these big publishers are trying to do everything, for FEAR that they will lose attention to their competition. We saw this with Capcom’s desperate attempt with Resident Evil 6, a series once known for being proud in silly stories, but a decent horror-vibe being reduced to a generic action game with all the same trappings as any other mainstream action game. And it’s not that these games are bad, but that they aren’t the same special titles they once were. And what’s worse is that for all the money being shoved into these games to get the most out of them, they are not making enough money for the company to make back what they cost.

In short, games are costing more to make because publishers are making costly mistakes. Technology has never made game development more easier, and as console generations last longer, the ease and efficiency of making a game improves, making the development much cheaper (theoretically). Yet when a game can sell 4 million copies and still be called a failure, we see signs of something much more problematic than a bad game piracy. We just have bad business ruining the industry and sending it into stagnation.

Jim Sterling (game journalist/reviewer/commentator) has already made the case that there will be a collapse in the games industry within the near future because companies like EA, Capcom, Activision, Square Enix, and other big names throwing around excessive amounts of money for garbage are making such bad decisions. He sees that this generation in gaming will see a big change and that many big names will fall, change, or be engulfed by something else and it’s up to the gamers to decide with their money how these changes occur. And I agree. Recent bad games getting bad press (or games getting bad press for stupid things attached to them) like SimCity, Aliens: Colonial Marines, Final Fantasy: All the Bravest, Dead Space 3, Resident Evil 6, and a few others have shown that the industry is having issues taking risks and would rather settle for general approval and mediocre appeal than to truly take risk and stand out to be something different.

Wow… that rant went on longer than expected. Um… yeah. Games are awesome. Being single sucks, but I think it’s something I need so I can focus on me for a little while. And I’m thirsty. See ya later.