Personal Post: Swimming In Uncertain Waters

Before I begin I just want to say that if something in here inadvertently offends or upsets any individual parties mentioned, I apologize in advance. This isn’t meant to offend, as this is me expressing my thoughts on a recent chain of… things… happening and I have always found it easier to write them down rather than think and dwell on them. My heads a jumbled mess and it’s absolute ballocks to try and make sense of it when the ideas are just plain thoughts.

So the recent problem I’ve been having is a job-centric one. And not the same “my job sucks” kind of thing, but the whole “will I have a job tomorrow.” Recently I went to KCCI for a job shadowing excursion in the hopes it would lead to a job. While a great experience where I met some great people, it didn’t turn into anything more than that, an experience that didn’t lead to a job. They went with someone else and that’s really disappointing. But there’s nothing that can be done about that and that’s not the bulk of what this article will be about.

Just before I was informed of my decline for KCCI, I had submitted my 2-weeks notice to Transamerica. This was for two reasons. One, I thought that it would help make the transition to KCCI all the easier. Two, if not, I was told there’s a potential chance to be rehired at HyVee, as my former boss had heard how much I was not enjoying the current job. Then, of course, there’s option three which is move back to Des Moines with the family, regroup, and figure something else out there.

So with option one out the window, this left me with the return or the regroup for new adventures. Now, at the time of writing, I’ve already spoken to my former boss about this and he’s already given me the “You’re Hired” approval for me to return to HyVee. But there are pressuring thoughts that have occurred that have prevented me from being at ease. I can’t sleep and it’s always on my mind and so I’m going to express them here.

I initially left HyVee because I wanted a change. I had been in a rut for nearly 7 years of that job and while I like it better than where I’m at now, I’m leaving Transamerica for the same reason. I’m jumping ship because I don’t like the ship I’m currently one. And, what’s worse, I’m jumping to the most available life preserver for the safest boat on the water at the time rather than taking a swim to see what I can find further out. Probably sharks, but still, it’s an adventure that I may be missing out on and that niggling though of “where could I have gone” is something I don’t want to be asking myself in 6 months, a year, or three years.

My former boss is probably one of the nicest guys in the world for offering me the job. And I know that, if he’s as nice as I’m talking him up to be, he’ll understand when I say that I can’t accept the offer for a job. As kind as it is and as helpful as it is, it’s just me picking an easy safe choice and not forging ahead to find something I’m truly passionate about and something I really want to do. I don’t mean to do this to be an asshole, but I have to think of what I really want. And I don’t want to work there for the next year, three, or five regretting that I never tried to do anything else.

I’m scared and terrified of what’s going to happen. I’ve never been scared of anything like this before. Normally, this kind of stuff comes easy. But I’m shaking. Holding back tears as I’m writing this because I’m heading for uncharted territory at an alarming pace. Yes, I brought this all on myself because I chose to leave Transamerica earlier than I probably should have. But it was either now, or two months from now when the temp-contract was up and I needed to move anyway because the lease was up. At least doing it now gives me an extra month to work with instead of being stuck in a job that was driving me insane.

But while I’m having some trouble keeping myself together at the moment, I have family where I’m going who will be able to support me while I’m in this period of transition and experimentation. It wasn’t my ideal choice, but it’s where I’m going for the time being and what I’ll have to accept.

I apologize to everyone here in Iowa City for just cutting and running. But I can’t stick around here forever. It’s a small college town with limited opportunities. I’ve made some amazing friends here that I’ll never forget and I promise I’ll do my best to keep in touch (though, knowing me, I’ll forget in a month). Where I’m going is a bigger city with more options for me to choose from. And if I don’t take this opportunity now, while I’m single, childless, and young, I may never get these kind of opportunities again. Surely, you understand that looking back on this years from now with regret is something that I don’t want to do, because I’m sure you wouldn’t either.

With all that said, I’m off to tell my former boss the decision I’ve come to. I’m off to try and hold down my breakfast because my stomach is not feeling great today. I’m off to try and keep it together while doing my job for the next week. I’m off to find boxes for a move I didn’t expect to have to make until this morning. I’m off… for a whole new adventure and I have no idea where I’m going to be going.