Review: (Not so) Amazing Spiderman 2 (For the Love of God, Don't Watch This Movie)

So… this will be a first. A review for a thing BEFORE it’s released to the public. What are we reviewing this week? It is my genuine pleasure to present to you… the review… for Amazing Spiderman 2.

When I was a kid, I grew up loving Spiderman. Yeah, the concept was ridiculous and the villains were silly in comparison to the villains of the other Saturday morning cartoons. Hell, even the Batman villains were fairly straight-forward by comparison when comparing the animated shows. But there were little aspects of Spiderman I absolutely loved as a kid that makes me keep coming back to this franchise one way or another. It’s colorful. It has moments of genuinely entertaining humor. It has a diverse case of B-List villains, but all of which are still more entertaining than watching Lex Luthor fight Superman for the millionth time. And despite all of the stupid bullshit revolving around Spiderman (clone saga anyone?), I can’t get past the moral lessons it imparted onto me as a child. In short, I had a great childhood because I was able to enjoy stuff like Spiderman. 

Which is why it always disappoints me when Sony opens up their closet to bring out the dead corpse of Spiderman they refuse to give back to Marvel/Disney time after time simply because while that corpse is still in their closet, they can still shake some pennies from it to save their somewhat floundering company (less floundering since the PlayStation 4 launch, but still not great). They had a good run at first, but then Spiderman 3 was evidence to show that Sony shouldn’t have gotten involved with the project and just have Sam Raimi run the whole show. They didn’t learn their lesson and we got the reboot known as Amazing Spiderman, which was a lackluster piece of trash that was worse than all of the previous trilogy by being boring, having no real conclusion to most of the plot points, and forcing that stupid plot with the parents down our throat like they are actually relevant characters. With these set-backs, you’d think Sony would have learned their mistakes going into Amazing Spiderman 2 and work to make the movie functionally better on some level…

… I hate to say it, but they really drop the ball here in a lot of annoying ways. 

Let’s get some of the good bits out of the way quickly so we can jump into the rotten core of this putrid mess they dared to call a film. First, any scene with Emma Stone is better by sheer virtue of Emma Stone being on the screen. It’s just a shame that most of her scenes are shared with Andrew Garfield, who I still am not convinced is a good Peter Parker (more on that later). They do some interesting things with her in this movie that I’ll also get into later, but what’s really sad is for being the best part of this franchise, she’s not in this movie (or this franchise) very much.

Next we have Spiderman himself. Admittedly, the costume has improved in ways I can give some kudos to, and the webslinging segments are pretty well-done, especially because we’re not having Spidey do that stupid bullshit with the cranes like in the last film. And while the action scenes in which he fights Electro and Green Goblin are somewhat cartoonish and feel like I’m watching a video-game cutscene, they are “alright”. And by “alright” I mean significantly better than the actions scenes from the previous film and significantly better than other scenes within this film. They all still pale in comparison to the Dr. Octopus fight scene on the train in Spiderman 2, but that’s like comparing the puzzles of Portal 2 to the puzzles of Portal 1. Good or not, Portal 1’s puzzles were still more challenging and fun. And Spiderman 2 will always have the best action scene of the Spiderman movies because Sam Raimi is just a better filmmaker than Mark Webb.

And… that’s it for the good news. So let’s start hashing out all the bad. First, a repeat of what we got from the last movie that didn’t improve going into this film. While Emma Stone is great, every conversation she has with Peter Parker is just awkward teenage drama and mumbled talking making those scenes difficult to really get into. Yes, I get that teenage romance is awkward. Hell, romance is awkward in general. But that doesn’t help convey characters or a story in an entertaining way. And when you shovel multiple pointless romance scenes in what was advertised as a comic-book super hero action movie, you’re really just wasting our times when all we paid for was to see Spiderman swing from rooftops and punch funny animal-themed villains in the face.

The characterization of Peter Parker is still broken like before, and I really think it’s just that Mark Webb or Sony or both fail to understand the concept of this character living his double life. Much like Batman, Peter isn’t always channeling his Spiderman persona. In other words, Peter isn’t always an arrogant jokester and annoying prick, especially when he’s not behind the mask. But, like in the last movie, that characterization is gone and he’s just an annoying prick all the time. While this isn’t such a big deal, it really prevents any real character arc. Though, in this movie, we sort of deal with it in another way, which we’ll get to in the spoiler section. 

Then we also have the problems of continuing the stupid plot-threads from before. Most notably (actually the only one since we decided to forget about avenging Uncle Ben’s death entirely) is the whole mystery of Peter’s Parents. Spoiler Warning, they resolve it in this movie (for the most part) so with any luck we’ll never have to hear about them again since they really were never important at all in the history of the Spiderman comics/TV shows/ previous movies/etc. Also, more spoilers, the incredibly obvious fact that Peter’s dad is the one who created the spiders and is responsible for pretty much everything that’s happened in these movies is also revealed. But, again, that’s not a surprise because…

Once again, everything seems to lead back to OsCorp in one way or another. Emma Stone works there. Dr. Conners (aka the Lizard ) used to work there until he was thrown into some kind of jail. Harry Osborn (in this film) inherits the place when his father dies (sadly) and he ends up becoming the Green Goblin in this movie. Max Dillion also works there, and he becomes Electro in this movie within the first 20 minutes (I think). Not to mention Harry’s assistant (for a while) is Felicia Hardy (also known as Black Cat) and the guy who basically forces Max Dillion into the dangerous situation that makes him become Electro is Alistar Smythe (aka… Alistar Smythe who, in the animated show, was the right-hand man to the Kingpin). And, at the end of the movie, we see the octopus arms, vulture wings, and rhino-suit used for the other villains that will be making an appearance (the last one being the one that makes the appearance at the very end of the film that was spoiled in the trailers). 

My biggest issue is that Spiderman’s diverse cast of colorful villains are all reduced to a series of stupid lab accidents that all take place in the same company caused by generally the same people. Do you have any idea how boring and predictable that makes this movie? Do you realize how small the world feels whenever everything is tied back to one company/building in this world? Sony is planning some “Avengers-style” universe building with the Spiderman Franchise, but I can’t see how when their plan seems to be making the Spiderman world feel like it takes places all inside one tiny box. Meanwhile Avengers constantly expands going from just being in a cave with a box of scraps to being in space with a talking raccoon and Vin Disel playing a tree named Groot.

What’s more, every villain has the weakest motivation to be evil in this film. The Rhino’s evil because he’s a criminal and hates Spiderman for imprisoning him. That’s fair. Electro’s reason is that he worshipped Spiderman to the level of being a creepy stalker prior to his transformation. Spiderman tries to help him when Electro is first being Electro. During that time, Spiderman says no one is going to hurt you and a trigger happy officer shoots at Electro (doesn’t kill him) and Electro immediately assumes Spiderman betrayed him and has to die. Mentally unstable? Sure, but that’s pretty weak motivation to go on a rampage against Spiderman when it was totally out of his control. 

Then there’s the Osborn family. God, I wish it was Ozzy Osborne. So Norman Osborn dies within the first 30 minutes of the movie, already fucking the original canon of the franchise by removing the first actual Green Goblin. I guess it was assumed no one could live up to Willem Dafoe’s performance so why bother trying, right? He dies of a disease That’s both genetic and not explained very well. Harry has it too and so he has to find a way to not die. Rummaging through the OsCorp research, he discovers the same spider-experiment that gave Peter his powers could also make him healthy. So Harry asks Peter (Spidey’s photographer) if he can get Spiderman’s blood. Peter declines as both Peter and Spidey, both giving very valid reasons as to why. And so Harry goes on his own “YOU BETRAYED ME” bitch-fest that ultimately leads him to becoming Green Goblin.

Let me point out something here, this film introduces Harry into the picture and establishes the relationship between him and Peter right off the bat like they’ve been buddies forever, but it seems to forget the audience was just introduced to him. So all this effort into introducing and characterizing him feels rushed and forced, ultimately making his decent into madness and becoming the Green Goblin less of an investment. It was a bummer when James Franco becomes the goblin because we were there to see his father treat him like shit. We were there when he mourned for his father. We were there when he took over OsCorp and had great intentions with it. This new guy is a lot like Spiderman 3’s Venom, in the sense we’re just introduced to the guy and he becomes the bad guy for the last five minutes of the movie. And we all know how well that was received. 

One thing I thought of numerous times was that shitty NetFlix show I mentioned a few reviews back, Hemlock Grove, and I feel like it’s a pretty bad sign when you’re trying to enjoy a movie and all it does is remind you of the worst TV show you’ve forced yourself to watch. From awkward discussions between characters, bad dialogue, the fact everything is tied to this giant fucking corporation in the middle of the city, and even the one transformation sequence when Harry finally becomes the Goblin all had a distinct cheap and lazy vibe to them. In fact, the transformation sequence felt a lot like that scene when the wolf-kid turns into the werewolf and I immediately lost all interest in what was happening for the most part.

And that’s been the general feel of this whole new reboot enterprise for Spiderman anyway. It’s all felt very cheap and lazy in terms of the filmmaking, writing, and design. It FEELS cheap, but I am certain those heavy CGI fight scenes that look like they’re from a PS2 video game cut scene cost a lot more than what Sony is willing to actually admit, much like Warner Bros’ Green Lantern. And a movie that feels this cheap while having spent way more than it should to be what it is deserves to bomb hard for simply not living up to any level of decent expectations. It won’t because it’s Spiderman. And by virtue of that, it’s like to be a top 10 box office contender for the year. It shouldn’t be because it’s bad and you shouldn’t go see it. But I guarantee 7/10 of you probably will. 

What I CAN commend this film for is having balls to do something right. Spoilers ahead from this point on, so you might what to cover your eyes and leave the room. Don’t uncover until you’ve walked outside and possibly into a street. Anyway, spoilers are what I expected from the very beginning of the film during Gwen Stacey’s graduation speech, and it’s that she dies at the end of the film during the fight with Green Goblin. She dies in much of the same way she does in the comics, just a different location caused by a shittier version of the Green Goblin.

The reason I can commend the film (somewhat) is that it has the balls to kill off a central character. Not only that, but to kill off the only good aspect of this movie in the spirit of doing at least one thing right from the comics. But these commendations are swiftly taken away because the first half of the movie spends its time throwing heaping buckets of foreshadowing that Spiderman/Peter is going to have to be willing to move on, accept sacrifices, and deal with loss. Gwen basically has a glowing neon sign over her head saying “I WILL NOT BE IN SPIDERMAN 3! THANK CHRIST!” 

What annoys me most about this though is that despite the fact you killed Gwen Stacey off properly in what is likely the dumbest move you can make before you conclude the trilogy, you still never paid respect to the death of Uncle Ben. A death that is likely more important to the origin of Spiderman as a whole. Sure, Gwen may have jostled Peter to a point that made him the man he is today, but Spiderman would never have existed if not for the death of Uncle Ben. And we still never had Peter avenge the death of his Uncle, as one of the many plot threads that just dropped by the wayside of the first film, and wasn’t bothered to be picked up in the second.

And while I’m nitpicking, why the fuck are you not giving me my J. Jonah Jameson? Sony is a bigger tease with JJJ than Sakurai is with Ganondorf in Smash Bros. We had Jameson name dropped a couple times and Peter is noted to be working for him. But we don’t get any fun scenes at the office where Jameson treats him like shit and makes lies about Spiderman. You know what we get? A five second look at Peter’s email screen where an email reads, “These picture are crap.” Bravo Sony. Way to tease the existence of my favorite character and basically admit you can’t recast the last guy for whatever reason, so you won’t even bother to TRY and get someone else. And while you’re at it, pull your dick out of my face. 

Other minor nitpicks include the number of scenes we just see Peter sitting at a computer researching or looking up information, or even just watching a video. I thought I was paying to see a Spiderman film, not a “Peter uses Google instead of Bing” film. Which reminds me, there’s not a lot of Spiderman in my Spiderman movie, which is a very similar complaint I had in Dark Knight Rises, which I remember say, ‘Gee, there sure isn’t a lot of Batman in this Batman movie’. As I mentioned earlier, most of it is just a mix of awkward dialogue between characters (mostly shitty love scenes between Emma Stone and Peter Parker) and Peter being on a computer.

One last complaint I have is how many times I noticed the word “Amazing” used in the dialogue. This was even called out in a scene with Max Dillon when he actually said the title “Amazing Spiderman.” And I remember one scene between Emma Stone and Peter when the word amazing was used at least 3 times, which gets really annoying when all you can think of is the to say the word “Spiderman” after each one because you know that’s what they’re going for. 

In conclusion, if I had to describe Amazing Spiderman in a few short words, it would be this: It’s a weak and flimsy film that fails on multiple levels to be anywhere near as engaging as any other Spiderman film or even most other super hero films. It’s depressing how many times the public will allow Sony to screw up this franchise before they stop caring about it. I don’t recommend seeing it if you don’t have to. And if you didn’t see the first Amazing Spiderman, you have even less reason to watch either since both are mostly terrible. All potential this film COULD have had was pissed out the window with the special effects budget and any hope this franchise had of being worthwhile in the hands of Sony. I am now just waiting for the day when Marvel finally has the film rights back and we can start getting good films again.