Personal Post: The Next Level

*exasperated sigh*

... You know, I had something else planned for this week. Something fun and enjoyable. Talk some Smash Bros. Write some stuff for my novel/short story idea that I’ve been wanting to write for nearly a year but have been hitting road blocks. Hell, I might have been able to do some light Dark Souls discussion. But… something else has come up and, like every other time before, I want to work it out in the way I do best, write it out. So… yeah, let’s get this over with so I can do something fun again. And, yes, I feel the need to write this because if I don’t, this will gnaw at me until I do and distract me from getting stuff done.

If you haven’t heard (which is likely since I haven’t gone public with this yet save for maybe two people) I’m single again. Girlfriend came over. Broke up with me. And things just kind of ended. I’m not going into details. I won’t mention names because, frankly, if you read these enough, you probably know who she is. And if you don’t, you’re probably someone who shouldn’t know her name. Either way, please don’t throw hate to her or treat her differently in any way. The way she chose to end things was respectful, civil, and certainly the way I’d prefer to end a relationship over… well… every other way that has been forced on to me. Best relationship I’ve had thus far in a lot of ways, all the way until the very end. Yeah, sucks that it’s over, but it’s not like I can go to the dimension in which things work out, kill my alternate reality self and take his place. Even if I could, I’d still travel to the dimensions where I either become king of the dinosaurs or hook-up with Emma Stone (while being Spiderman). 

So the reason behind all this? To sum it up, I wanted to move forward with the relationship, naturally, since we’d been together for so long. I didn’t expressly mention this or anything because I was being patient until she was ready/interested in moving forward. She, on the other hand, wasn’t and didn’t think she would. Again, kudos for doing this in a way that doesn’t really make either of us the horrible person. It’s not that we aren’t necessarily happy being together, but that we’re walking two different paths. For a while, they’ve been close together, but now they’re starting to drift apart with different obstacles for each of us to overcome and persevere. And she doesn’t want to slow me down or keep me from my path. Likewise, as much as I’d be willing to wait, I suppose it only makes sense that I can’t keep that up and continue to enjoy this.

I’m not really upset by this like I have been in the past. And I think that’s most because of how this ending was handled. I’m still annoyed by it, of course, because that’s just another failure to add to the tally. I’m annoyed because it’s back to square one again (i.e. meeting people, which is probably the most tedious thing in the world). I’m annoyed that even though I tried, it didn’t even matter because… well… I’ll let the song say the rest:

In all seriousness, I’m not going emo and hating myself like before. Again, this isn’t really anyone’s fault. But I need to vent frustrations before I do or say something incredibly stupid (which I’m more than certain I’ll do anyway). So let’s vent a bit, but this time with a day’s thought behind it to make it less ranty and more insightful.

I’ve generally looked at all these relationship failures the same way I look at video game failures. You die or lose and are forced to restart again. Ever fuck up is a life you lose and once the relationship ends, it’s game over. And I’ve also looked at where I’ve been for the past decade being stuck in and endless loop of playing the first three levels of a giving game over and over again. By that, I mean the whole process of getting to know someone, starting a relationship, and getting it off the ground. I’ve played a lot of games to know that after so many tries, you just want to stop playing and do something else (like a murder spree). 

But then I thought of it in a couple different ways, same analogy. Perhaps it’s like Dark Souls, in that, when you die, you still gain valuable information from the live you lived. The experience you gained (and applied to stats) remain, meaning with each failure, you hopefully found a way to improve yourself so when you face the next boss, you’re ready to go. With relationships, that’s kind of the same philosophy. We might be playing the same levels on repeat, but each time we gain more knowledge and experience for the next relationship and hope that, by some miracle, we don’t fuck that up.

Or, another way to examine it is not that each failure restarts the game, but each failure is the conclusion of a level. Each relationship, in itself, is a level. You don’t clear with success, but clear with failure, which unlocks the next level (or, I guess, the ability to search and enter the next level). And the same logic applies about carrying over experience from each relationship. It’s almost like we’re grinding through each relationship (the boring grind of killing enemies over and over again for 3 exp, not the sexy kind with bums). 

And I guess that’s why I don’t feel as upset or depressed this time around (still somewhat depressed). I’m looking at this failure in a different way than before. Yes, it certainly helps the relationship didn’t end with me losing to another guy, the girl being a complete psycho, or her being entirely detached and not giving a shit about me. Perhaps this, in itself, is a sign of growth and maturity. Perhaps this is a sign that my new theory is actually right. Perhaps the next lovely lady I meet will be able to walk the same path with me and, ultimately, clear the game. 

… I won’t hold my breath or anything because I’m expecting this single-period to last for a while like it almost always fucking does. God, this is going to be boring for a while.

While I’ve vented my frustrations and cleared my head on what I want now and where I plan to go (sort of) I still am not fully satisfied. Time to vent more frustrations with games, writing, and maybe a murder or two if I can find time (probably won’t since I’m sure Dark Souls or Pokemon will keep me busy for a good long time). That’s all for today. I guess… come back next time when I can post something that isn’t as depressing and personal. Maybe I’ll finally talk about Smash Bros! (Not a guarantee).