Chasing Ghosts or Chasing Dreams?

 Personal writing time. Boy I don’t know where to begin.

I wanted to initially write about the weird dreams I’ve been having because they’re either a look into my demented inner-most thoughts or just life eating away at my already minimal amount of sanity. There’s also recent frustrations with the job and leading me up to what is ultimately one of the hardest choices I’ve had to make, like, ever. But I figure I’ve got time and you’re here reading, so let’s make the most of that and just lay it all out. We’ll start with the dream stuff because I feel it’s related in certain ways, and it’s a soft opener to when we get to the less fun serious bits. 

The dreams I’ve been having recently, this week specifically, have been a roller coaster of emotions for me ranging from fear, confusion, joy, arousal, more confusion, and some level of understanding. Here on the “Journal of Clarity” the goal is, ultimately, to clarify these kinds of things, which is why I feel it appropriate to discuss this kind of subconscious nonsense here.

I’ll start with the nonsensical because maybe you can make heads or tails of it. I was having a dream the other night in which I was viewing the top ten movies of an individual. At first I thought they were mine, because it seemed like I was presenting this list for whatever reason. But then we get to number one and it becomes a discussion of Batman and ultimately it coming down to the best Joker. Then the scene fades away, into us in some kind of building, like a minimal security institution. Presumably the cast is myself, a taller, older gentleman who is presumably Bruce but that was never mentioned, a woman who shows up eventually near the end, and the Joker who we were calling John because one of his voice actors was John Dimaggio (for those who don’t know, the voice of Bender). 

The three of us lads were there investigating something while John (Joker) and I talked about the meaning of life. Eventually he gets separated from us and Bruce panics. The woman eventually shows up and some kind of joke happens because everything got really awkward and it seemed like a laugh track was playing right then and there. But then I woke up and those little details faded away. I woke up literally asking myself, “what the fuck did I just witness?” Because it was so nonsensical and confusing. Why was Joker called John? Why did my top ten list not include Jurassic Park? Why were we investigating? Who the fuck was that woman and what did she have to do with Joker?

Two other “recurring” dreams or themes of the week were related to both work and Minecraft, respectively. The work ones are always the same. I’m staring at a fucking computer screen with data on a client that I can barely read because it’s bright and blurry. I try to use the computer to do my job but nothing happens because, hey, it’s a dream. At work, normally, such a thing would cause me to panic because then I can’t do my job in any fashion. But this is when I become aware it’s a dream because I literally can do nothing, I can’t even move the camera (or whatever I’m viewing the dream through) to something else. So I just sit there going in sane looking at a fucking computer screen forever. I’m guessing the best way to interpret this is that I’m frustrated with the monotony of my shitty job and I want out as soon as possible. But I’m aware that, in my current situation, I’m basically trapped there for the moment. More on that later. 

The Minecraft dreams seem tangentially related to the dreams I’m about to mention. Lately I’ve been playing Hardcore mode in the game to see how long I can survive under the insane damage, ridiculous  monster spawns, hunger dropping faster, and the fact that death is death and there’s no respawn. The dream is basically doing that, but physically putting me in the game. These dreams don’t last long. I basically just see me crafting things on a bench, hiding in my house from the hordes of monsters, or see me tending my farm. I think what this is maybe telling me is that I’m seeking a challenge and what’s holding me back is possibly a fear of failure (the monsters being the obstacles that will kill me and ultimately cause me to fail the game. Which certainly makes sense with the topic I’ll bring up shortly. But first…

SEX! That’s right, of course sex dreams came up… frequently… and annoyingly so. I won’t say the who, the how, or any other details. Dreams like this just happened a lot this past week. I’ve concluded there are three ways that these could have been interpreted. First, (and simplest) is my subconscious/libido is saying I want sex. But that’s a boring interpretation because it’s easy with no creativity behind it. Let’s dig a little deeper. It could be my subconscious expressing frustration with something whether it be pent up sexual frustration, frustration with work and needing some kind of release, or just general frustrations with life. But I looked into this online to see what the most common way to interpret said dreams are (for my own amusement and to give us something to write about today. 

Sex dreams basically are about union. The coming together of two conflicting parts of yourself. Which, given my recent situation I’ve found myself in, yes, I could see this being quite accurate. Because I’m certainly in a conflict with myself for a difficult decision I ultimately have to make soon. What is that you may ask? SEGWAY…

So you all know I hate the job I’m in right now. It’s a boring desk job at an insurance company. Big corporate machine filled with layers of bureaucratic regulatory nonsense that makes me want to pull out my hair. Staring at a computer screen for hours to read endless lists of numbers and information about thousands of random stupid fucks applying for one of the most unnecessary products in the world, making me want to gouge my eyes out with the nearest pen so I don’t have to look at it anymore. I want out and I’ve tried numerous times to find jobs elsewhere.

My search has gotten me NOWHERE. I’ve applied at several different places in the Iowa City area. Either no one is hiring or they’re not interested in hiring ME. On top of that, I have to move here within the next 4 months and I don’t know where to go because I don’t know where I’m going to be working and I don’t want to commit to a place until I know where I’m going to be going 60-70% of the time. Compound that with the fact Iowa City is a dinky little town. It’s fun and all, but the fact it really is a small college town limits the living spaces and the job opportunities around here drastically. 

This leaves me with only a handful of reasonable decisions. Stay here at this shitty job and endure it for as long as possible, which is basically until I kill myself out of boredom or stupidity… maybe both? The other two options are either go back to HyVee and ask for my job back. I may have not enjoyed it there, but it was WAY less mind-numbing as Transamerica. Plus I got physical activity (which helps vary up my routine, especially in winter when going outside isn’t going to work). But doing so leaves me with the thought that it is like giving up and admitting I’ll never be able to move on from there.

Then I remember what happened only a year ago when got back together with Kat. I went back to her after things got rough with the previous girlfriend and what ended up happening? It was awkward, miserable, and despite all my best intentions, I ultimately failed to make things work. I learned a lot of lessons from that and the one I take away most is that you can’t let the past haunt you and you have to be willing to move on from those ghosts. Going back to HyVee would be in that same vein and I don’t think I’m ready to throw in the towel and go back there. Not yet.

 

This leaves me with one final decision. Start searching for jobs elsewhere outside of Iowa City / Coralville / Cedar Rapids (because fuck Cedar Rapids). Bigger cities like Chicago, Des Moines, Austin (god, I would love to live there), or something that isn’t just a shitty little college down… Again, much love to Iowa City, but can we just admit it’s tiny and has fewer opportunities compared to the “bigger” cities? Because I’m ready to admit that.

In a recent job search, I was looking at a particular company (no names mentioned at the moment) and they have locations here, but none are hiring. But what areas in Iowa are hiring? Des Moines, West Des Moines, Ankeny, and pretty much everything else that’s roughly 2 hours away from here. This brought me to the conclusion that, yes, perhaps it is time for me to move on to the next chapter of my life and see where I can go from here. However, there’s a catch… 

I’m kind of in the middle of a relationship. Not just any relationship, quite literally the best one I’ve ever had. Unlike previous girlfriends, I’ve never felt pressured or judged in any way. I’ve never felt nervous about what I say or do around her. We can enjoy so many different things together. We’re both easy going and flexible about whatever it is we do. She puts up with my silly shenanigans and I do the same for her. This is the first relationship I’ve actually not been stressed out about and have managed to just sit back and enjoy every moment of it. It’s something I don’t think I’d have an easy time recreating anywhere else with anyone else. And even if I could, I don’t think I’d really want to at this point.

 The problem is that while I’m ready to move to new places and have new adventures elsewhere, she isn’t. I won’t go into every detail as to why, but to make it simple, I’m Ash and I’m ready to move on to the next Pokemon League to face new challenges. She’s Misty and she wants to stay in Cerulean, at least for now, because she has responsibilities and people there to take care of. And I guess Brock would be Russell? Because we have to have someone fill that role for this analogy to make sense.

But this leaves me in a bit of a bind. I don’t want to stay because I can’t find a job anywhere (believe me, I’ve been looking in as many places as I can within reason). But I also don’t want to leave. We’ve discussed this, and how if I had to leave, we could try a long distance thing. I’m skeptical about the success of that, but I’m also open to trying it out.

All that said, I feel like doing so would be an insane gamble and I’m not sure if that really is a good thing. What if I go to Des Moines and find a job, but it ends up being just as shitty as this one? Then I’m away from her while also being miserable at a new job I hate and ultimately even worse off than I am now. Well… I mean, aside from probably not having roommates, which would be a fucking dream come true at this point. You don’t even want to see the living room right now, it’s an absolute disaster area. 

But yeah… those are my choices. And in all of them, I’m giving up or sacrificing something for something else. I ultimately lose something with any one of those options. Either I admit defeat and make myself a fool and go back to HyVee, stay where I am and be completely unfulfilled with that shit job, or put what is the best relationship I’ve ever had at risk to gamble on the potential opportunities in a bigger city.

Addendum:

So more pondering on this, no decision yet. But I’ve been thinking logistics. Not even the maintaining of the relationship over long-distance, I don’t even want to think about that at the moment. I’m just trying to figure out how, if a job in Des Moines or elsewhere came up, would picking up and moving there work? Do I put in 2 weeks now so that when a potential new job does spring up for the taken, I’ll be flexible enough to move there? Will the new place I go to be willing enough to let me take time on starting so I can get moved there and settled in? 

I suppose if the moving is an issue, the parents can help me ease into that, though that transition would be… interesting. Then trying to find my own place on top of that will be a challenge, regardless of where I go. And it’s one I have to undergo since my lease is up in July and the sooner I deal with that, the sooner I get out of this shitty apartment and don’t have to pick up after two retarded man-children anymore. I can’t imagine I’d have everything moved in a short period of time though. I imagine that I’d move the essentials to the parent’s place and then slowly come back to Iowa City over the course of couple weeks to a month (pending on if I’m working during the process) getting my various belongings out of here and putting them elsewhere.

There might be some friends willing to let me crash with them temporarily as well… but I’m hesitant to jump on that bandwagon right away. I certainly won’t be taking on any roommates, at least not without being exceedingly picky about who they are. Not making that mistake again.

Argh… so much to think about. And I only have four months to figure it out. Prepositions are things you don’t end sentences with.