Why can't I sleep?

Journal of Clarity – 034 – May 03, 2013

Can’t sleep. Just got done watching the Iron Man 3 movie. But that’s not why I can’t sleep. It was a good movie. Did some stuff that surprised me, which I’m still debating if I liked or not. I’ll likely see it again. And it was still a fun movie overall with the usually good writing, acting, and action to keep it going. If you’re a fan of traditional Iron Man comics, you may not enjoy it quite as much, but aside from that, it’s still fun.

This isn’t a review blog. This is a blog about me and personal problems. And I still feel bad I haven’t updated in half-a-month. What can I say? I’ve been incredibly busy. School work piled up, and only PARTLY because I procrastinated. Some of it is just very involved and has taken up more time than I expected it to. But the video project is getting there. I’m spending most of tomorrow working on it. I have to do a story re-write, which will likely be what I spend time on Sunday or Monday, pending on the video’s progress at that point. It won’t be long til I graduate and am done with everything and can try to focus on more important things.

I say try because I still can’t focus on things, or at least things I want to focus on. You probably guessed it. I’m still thinking of her. It’s been over a month since we broke up. I should have moved on by now, I’m sure she has. Especially after how hostile everything was at the end, why do I still wish things could have been different? Is it her? Is it me not wanting to be alone? Is it a mix of both? I feel like a broken record, but sad fact is that I still wish she were with me. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I spent three years away from her here at this fucking hellhole of a college, with my thoughts occasionally drifting back to her and how I missed her a little. Then when I had a chance to maybe have her back in my life, I spent three years of wondering and hoping wasting it. And I can’t get out of that round-about mindset.

Honestly, I’d do anything just to be able to talk to her again and hopefully set the record straight and repair the bridge we both inadvertently burned. But would she listen? Would she care? Would she understand? What would I even say?

I guess I’d start with saying that I have a lot of apologies to make, which I guess wouldn’t be that big a surprise, since it seemed like I was always apologizing for something. Usually little things because that’s just my initial reaction when I make a small bungle that may or may not affect someone. But when things get serious, I do legitimately mean my apologies and they aren’t just empty apologies. So I’m sorry that I failed to live up to her expectation or to live up to the guy I thought I was. More importantly, I’m sorry that I tried to be that guy I thought I was, rather than myself… because that’s the guy she initially wanted to be with before and mostly what she anticipated when we got back together. But the thing about that is I’ve never been necessarily proud of myself despite my accomplishments (if you want to call them that), my skills (whatever they may be), or anything else really. Call it a lack of confidence, that’s what I call it, and what she called it because that’s essentially what it is.

And what’s to not be confident about? I guess that’s just something I’ve never known or understood. I always thought it was just left over anxiety from my first ex, and that may still be the case, but I have started thinking it’s something else and I can’t quite say what.

All I know is I’m driving myself crazy because I can’t stop thinking about her. I spent three years trying to move on from her. Then this happens and now I’m stuck with this again. If there was some way to fix things between us, go back in time and get a do-over, or just alter reality so I could see or experience a better outcome, I’d go for it. Not that I’m absolutely miserable now, but I’m not really happy with the spot I’m in and I would like to see how life would be had things gone differently. I’d like to sit in the camp believing things would be mutually better for both of us, but I suppose I’m biased in that regard.

Still not really tired yet… hm… What can I talk about to distract me and bore me to death for roughly twenty minutes until I can no longer stay awake?

Hmm…

It’s funny. I thought I’d be tired by now, but I’m not. I’m really pumped and energized. It kind of bugs me. Again, thoughts of her, watching a kickass movie, and generally just being somewhat insane all kind of working against me right now (when doesn’t that work against me?).

Okay, so I guess I’ll talk about something random that just happened. Recently got two friend requests on Facebook. Won’t name names. I don’t know who they are. I just added them because I was bored and whatever (plus more friends, means more people who will know of E-Vac Station and help spread the word of our fun video projects). Instant I added them, they started messaging me. One commented on my profile pics (I sense a disturbance in the force there) while the other asked if I liked piercings… I should also point out both of these were females. Both of which were blonde and their profile pics have alcohol in them. The fact that both are so incredibly similar makes me rather suspicious of… well… everything.

Not only that, both asked for my cell-number so they could text me. Um… little strange. Usually I like to talk to people and figure out who they are before I hand that kind of personal and obnoxious method of communication to anyone. If you know me, you know I hate texting because it’s garbage. No really, if I could just talk to people, I would, but everyone wants to text, so fuck it. Whatever.

I haven’t answered these two… um… ladies yet. Partly because it’s 1:15 AM and while I’m not tired, I don’t want to get dragged into a conversation with two total strangers on facebook when I may very well collapse from exhaustion. I also am unsure of what to think of someone who asks for a number to send me pics. Given all the clues up to this point, I can only assume they are drunk (the kinder assumption) or sluts (the cruder assumption). This leads me to conclude that the pics I get will be of a questionable nature. I’ll let you decide what I should expect, because I don’t frankly care.

So what will I do? Fuck it. I’ll wait til morning. If they still have facebook profiles then or if I hear from them again tomorrow, I’ll respond with something. This isn’t me being anti-social. This is me not wanting to get drawn into something stupid and distracting, especially this close to a semester ending with enough distractions on my plate already (mentally, physically, and emotionally, if you haven’t been keeping up with this “blog”).

That’s all for now. I’m going to try and get sleep. I doubt I will. Wish me luck.