The Red Pill or the Blue Pill

Journal of Clarity – 040 – May 27, 2013

So no one called me out yesterday on the religious topic. I must say I’m kind of impressed no one felt the need to lampoon me for voicing a controversial opinion on an otherwise heavily debated topic amongst certain groups of people. I guess that means you guys reading these are actually kind of mature and intelligent enough to listen and think on these opinions rather than giving knee-jerk reactions… that or the 800 or so views on this blog mean virtually nothing. Come on, guys. I’m writing these for my own benefit, but some response would be nice. Some discussion is not only welcome, but encouraged. If you know me on facebook ( as Silver Waseskuk) then you can message me there! Or e-mail if you want to uchihamax@aol.com! Is that still not good enough? I’d give out my phone number, but then I’d have people calling me all hours of the night, so tough. Discussion is one thing, but I need sleep.

Today, personal news. Been waiting to hear this, haven’t you. To be fair, I was planning on ranting about the XboxOne, used games, and the whole shebang. But I was writing, stopped, and waited too long before finishing the writing and now stuff has come up on the relationship front. It’s going to be complicated, bizarre, and interesting… but try to stay with me and we’ll see where this goes.

So, about mid-April, I met a girl online (not one of the websites mentioned in a previous article in my experimentation to see what online-sex-sites are like compared to normal social networking/dating sites). A legitimate site to meet people interested in relationships and whatnot. Yes, I used one of those sites because I don’t go out much due to shit work schedule keeping me from staying out late and me general contempt for the bar scene in general. Judge me if you want, but I’m getting off track from my story here so shut your face and pay attention.

Ahem. So I met a girl online (no I won’t say which site). We hit it off a little bit, but things were slow goings for a while. I didn’t expect to actually meet her at all given the pacing things were going but I figured I’d keep the conversation going to see where it would lead. More on that later.

Near the beginning of May, I met another lovely young lady on the same site. We hit it off as well, but things were going at a much faster pace (not as fast as I have gone through before, but that’s probably a good thing considering). In fact, we ended up meeting each other in person with only a few days of conversating online. And, it seemed/seems like things were/are leading to something possibly/eventually. We had planned another get together, a more private affair for the following week. That got cancelled due to work related stuff on her end. We scheduled another date-type thing shortly after and, once again, was canceled due to a mix of work related stuff and pre-trip stuff, again, on her end. So it seemed like she was, perhaps, losing interest and I was just kind of drifting there wondering what the whole issue was, if anything.

That all said, I was still communicating with the first girl because nothing had gotten serious with the second and with her lack of communication, I figured nothing would anyway. During the talks, we managed to, after a long time of talking, schedule a first meet up for this Friday. I won’t say what, where, or when because I don’t need stalkers right now. But that’s not the whole story. Turns out the second girl, who, as I have said before, has been on a trip out of state for the past week, is up for something the day after she gets back. The plan is to go out with her on Saturday.

So, to summarize, I’m doing the one thing I said I’d never do completely unintentionally because I figured I wouldn’t have gotten this far in the first place. With the first girl, I assumed that it wouldn’t lead anywhere. With the second, I assumed things were on the verge of not happening given how long it has been since we actually hung out and how short and rare conversations seem to be. But this is what I get for assuming. I make an ass out of me (and apparently someone else, but who, exactly, I don’t know).

That said, it’s not like I’m seeing both seriously at the same time or even tied to one seriously and cheating. I know it’s going to sound like a shifty and underhanded defense, but that’s really it. I’ve only just MET one and will be just MEETING the other. This is mostly to see if the interest is there with either at this point. At the same time, I still feel weird about it. But seeing as I’ve already committed to seeing both of them this weekend, I’m still going to go. Gotta press forward and see where this goes.

One question that will obviously come up is which direction am I leaning? Which girl do I have more interest in? That’s honestly a tough choice. The second girl, after meeting her, quickly became my first choice, but it seems like she has so much on her plate with work, school, projects and so on (wow that all sounds familiar) that I don’t know if she’d have time for a relationship. And I don’t want to jump into something with her to find out that I’m always going to be pushed aside for this stuff. Yes, school is more important in most regards, but if you’re going to get emotionally involved with someone, you still have to be able to make time for that person, am I right?

Incidentally, the second girl doesn’t seem to have that same problem. But while that’s the case and we do have a lot of similar interests, I don’t feel the same way about her. But that could be bias since I haven’t actually met her yet. But I’d hate to go with her only because things didn’t work out with the other girl and end up settling for who I guess you could argue was originally my second pick. Because if I am to be with someone, I want it to be with someone I want to be with. Because the person, in question, deserves to be wanted and not just settled on. So it wouldn’t be fair to her if that’s how this ended up.

All that said, perhaps meeting her will change my mind. Perhaps not. We’ll find out tomorrow, I guess. Right now, I just now I’m way farther behind on editing podcasts and Let’s Plays than I want to be and it is starting to really ruffle my scrotum (grind my gears, if you will). So I’m off to do something along those lines. Tata. 

That's the power.. of RELIGION

 Journal of Clarity – 039 – May 26, 2013

Still no real changes on the relationship front because, as I mentioned before, she’s out of town so nothing can really happen. A few texts have been sent back and forth, but nothing to the numbers of previous relationships or girls of interest, and that’s fine. She’s down there with family and if she wants to talk to me, she can talk to me. If she’s busy, then she won’t. But I’m bored sitting here not editing because I don’t want to start and have another weird power-outage thing happen in the midst of that. So I’m typing random shit instead. Let’s talk about something different for a change: religion!

I probably just lost most of you right then and there because religion is that polarizing topic that everyone tends to get either very quiet about or very vocal about. If I’m around people with strong religious beliefs, I keep my mouth shut mostly because I’ve been told if you don’t have anything nice to say, you probably should shut the fuck up. Likewise, if I’m around people who don’t have strong religious ties to any one group, but has opinions on it, then I’m more than open for discussion because it’s those people who tend to give me real opinions that aren’t just handed down from an old book that is essentially the fundamentals of an archaic belief system.

That’s right, for as good a guy as everyone assumes me to be, I’m likely to be labeled a heathen because I don’t follow any established religion of any sort. I don’t like most of them for one reason or another. If there isn’t dislike towards them, it’s indifference. For example, I can’t stand Christianity. The fundamental teachings of it on how you should live your life are fine, but some people take it too far and assume the Bible is a literal word-for-word translation of how to live your daily fucking life. No, it’s not. Just like “Triple Penetration for Dummies” isn’t an exact word-for-word translation on how to enjoy sex because not everyone beats to the same drum. Need an example? Some people use quotes from the Bible to show how wrong gay relations are with the quote about not men shall not sleep with other men or something along those lines. But if we’re following that line, then what about women who sleep with men other than their husbands? According to the Bible, we’re supposed to stone that woman to death. I don’t want to actually do it, but if the book says it has to happen, then how come no one is living up to THAT standard?

Is it perhaps because SOME people thought that way of dealing with that problem is archaic and cruel and should be done away with? There are other things in that book that are just as outdated and cruel as well, and they were certainly done away with. So why are we in modern times even given the words of that book credibility for how to live your life when we have proof that not everything in that book can possibly apply to modern times? We’re constantly complaining about how people in congress and the senate are too old and out of touch with modern times to legitimately run our government with their old ideals, and those fuckers are only 90 years old at best. And here we are still using quotes from a book that is THOUSANDS of years old as if it has the answer to every fucking problem.

In fact, that’s another point to add. Our constitution we written roughly 240 years ago has been looked at as outdated in terms of language and the times it was written compared to now. There has been talk for some time amongst people (who will unfortunately never get the chance) to revise and rewrite it for modern times because many of the articles written were reactions to the revolution that was taking place at the time. The world has changed a lot and the actions for which are government is responsible for and must do have certainly changed a lot. If a document that is 240 years old needs to be redone to fit a modern era, certainly a book like the Bible could use some reworking for modern times as well, if not be done away with completely.

Moreover, the Bible was actually not originally written in English. It was, in fact, written in Hebrew (at least the old testament was). That was translated into Latin, which was then translated to Roman. After that, I want to say it was actually translated to French or German before English. Now, if you know ANYTHING about how translating from one language to another works, then you’ll know that when something is translated, some parts of the original language tends to get lost in said translation because not all languages have the same words. I took Japanese and you would not believe how many times a word needed to be changed based on interpretation due to idioms or non-literal meanings of words. And the Bible was translated MULTIPLE times before making its way to English, and that was during a time when only the rich and elite were even capable of reading or writing. I guarantee that much of the Bible from the first script of it has been altered in such ways that we’ll never actually have the true meaning of the book, and thus, never really get the true intent of the original author(s).

To me, and this will likely offend some people, the Bible is nothing more than a book like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. It’s a work of fiction. There might be some aspects of the book that are good to teach morals and give basic life lessons. But, in the end, it is still just fiction, and it certainly isn’t something to live by, in my eyes, as instructions for what is legitimately right or wrong. I get more appropriate life lessons from reading Spiderman or Sonic the Hedgehog comics, and at least those are entertaining and colorful.

 But that’s not all. I’m also sick of all the crap that goes on between denominations of the Christian church and how being Catholic isn’t the same as being a Methodist. And Mormons don’t even count as Christians even though they believe in the same basic fucking thing about a guy named Jesus being a martyr for our sins and people really need to cut out that shit! Not to mention the history of the Christian church is riddled with stupidity, hypocrisy, and violence. People worry video games cause violence (many religious people no less) yet I’ve never seen people go to war because one person liked Sonic and the other liked Mario. Arguments, maybe, but never bloodshed. Yet there have been religious wars for AGES! Anyone remember the Crusades? I know I certainly fucking do, and I constantly like to rub it in the face of the Christian church as their black mark in history when they REALLY fucked up. Not that they haven’t fucked up other times, but that one was pretty fucking terrible.

It’s not just Christianity that does me ill, but it is certainly the most prominent and has the most vocal and annoying people amongst it. I have nothing against Judaism. But that’s because Jewish people have had such a rough history that, in my eyes, they’re really allowed to do what they want at this point. They’ve been persecuted and nearly wiped out multiple times, where I feel they deserve a break. Especially since my ancestors in the Meskwaki tribe were nearly wiped out by the French, so I think we have a kind of connection there. I have nothing against the Islamic faith, but I also know very little about it other than it’s prone to the same kind of denomination bullshit Christianity has which is cause for much of the unrest in the Middle East anyway. I mean, Americans are more the cause of it now, but the religious wars thing is where it started.

Buddhism is probably the one “religion” I can say I actually approve of because it doesn’t give you a deity to follow. It doesn’t say how other religions are wrong and you must convert non-believers. It barely even qualifies as a religion. But I like how it is essentially a lifestyle that has the same benefit the original concept of a religious faith is supposed to have. It is a way of living that strives to make you a better person both to yourself and others. There’s no strict rules to it or anything, and there’s really nothing about it you can fight with others about.

Many who actually care will likely stand up at this point and ask, “Aaron, are you a Buddhist?” To that, my answer is no. It is something I’d be interested to try, but I haven’t yet and don’t have any plans to do so in the near future. To which those same people respond with, “Then what do you believe in?” That’s sort of an interesting question. I find most modern day religions don’t really fit some of the big questions I have about the world. For those that say they do, I disagree.

Some of these big questions are: Why do bad things happen to good or innocent people? Why do bad things like disease and natural disaster exist if God is all powerful and could just magically make them not exist? Does this God allow these things to happen as some sick game or experiment or is really not as all powerful as everyone says he is? Most people answers these questions with something along the lines of, “It’s God’s way of testing us.” To which I call bullshit. A test should not have the results of people dying simply to see the reactions of those who survive to see if they are “worthy” or not for some theoretically perfect afterlife. GlaDOS might approve of deadly tests, but she’s also a psycho AI bitch whose opinions should never be taken into consideration. In short, I think monotheistic religions are fundamentally broken in that one God being responsible for all the good and bad things in the world creates either an inconsistent God, a psychotic God, or a childish God. And I don’t want to follow beliefs that think said God is actually worthy of praise.

To me, the most logical thing to explain how the universe works (or at least the things we have yet to understand through the rational logic of science) is the existence of multiple “gods” or multiple beings of higher existence capable of far more than we are. Old stories that explain how drunken brawls between Greek or Norse gods would cause natural disasters on our world makes a much better explanation than one God just testing us. It gives the Gods more human like qualities, which makes more sense because we’re supposedly based off “God,” right? It also makes for more amusing stories to tell aside from the tripe in the Bible.

And it doesn’t necessarily have to be Gods like Zeus, Thor, Poseidon, Odin, Ra, Osiris, or Amaterasu. It could be just beings that are just capable of more stuff than mankind (think Promethus for a moment) where they have advanced technology or something that created us and that might have been it. That way of existence would then explain why all the bad shit on our world happens, because they don’t know how to control or maintain it. Then again, perhaps this is just the world of the Matrix and the reason bad things happen is because our computer generated world has bugs and glitches and those are just the ways the system purges itself of bugs and glitches at the loss of data (us).

In short, there are a variety of ways to explain how the world works and why shit happens. I personally think that modern day monotheistic religions are too archaic in the way they function and don’t answer all the question that need answering. But does that really matter what I think? Does me not believing in what you believe really change anything about the world? It doesn’t. So don’t bother trying to convert me or prove to me that your religion actually works and explains my questions or addresses some of my points. I don’t really care. I like the way I’ve decided to answer the basic questions of the world. They aren’t perfect, but nothing really is.

Well, that was… fun… hopefully next time I have something more interesting to talk about. 

XboxOne, PS4, WiiU, SteamBox, and PC... Place Your Bets!

Journal of Clarity – 038 – May 23, 2013

First off, no, this isn’t going to be an entry where I talk about my love life. Why? Because currently nothing is happening. The girl I’m sort of trying to see is going out of town for a bit and there’s nothing I can do about that or do with her at all in that time to push things forward at all. Sooo… I’m going to talk games a bit.

First thing I’ve noticed when talking about the XboxOne among colleagues is everyone’s desire to stand forth and defend the blasted thing, especially the fans of the Xbox360 and such. Guys? Why do you have this urge to defend a piece of plastic from a faceless corporation when I’m giving reasonable critical opinions based on the facts I’ve been presented from various news outlets? It’s not like I’m saying the XboxOne will be a gateway to hell that will bring Satan and his homeboys to Earth to wipe us all out of existence. All I’m pointing out are issues I have with the console, the presentation (mostly), and the distinct lack of attention to the main reason the Xbox brand was made in the first place, the games!

Now I get why you are defending your precious little green shooter box. It’s the same reason I used to avidly defend Nintendo, Sonic, and Steam from naysayers who thought they were too old, too broken, or too um… I can’t think of a common complaint about Steam that is actually reasonable. But you know why I don’t really care about people naysaying my favorite games, devices, or developers? Because I still have fun with them, whether other people think Sonic is good or not. Whether they think Metroid is good or not. Whether they think Steam is a good online system or not. Their opinions are irrelevant to me in that sense because I’m secure in the fact that I like the games and products I buy. The only defense they need is for people to legitimately experience them to their fullest to see the good parts of such things I enjoy (wording is a bit buggy there).

What’s worse? I openly criticize Nintendo on a regular basis! I have pointed out the flaws with any Sonic game I’ve played shamelessly while still enjoying the experience! And I don’t think Steam is a perfect system. It’s the best online gaming service (in my opinion) because of what it does, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. I criticize because I want such faults to be noticed and improved upon because I believe any game or console could easily be better! So why is it that people who are arguing against my dissatisfied response to the XboxOne can’t just accept that I will be dissatisfied with the XboxOne? Why do they have to try and prove that it’s going to be good? That my opinion is wrong, when it isn’t wrong, it’s just different. Seriously, I think it might actually be an insecurity thing. 

Here’s the deal. I never cared for Xbox or the Xbox360. Neither offered up exclusives I really cared about and that’s really what it has always come down to for me is the exclusives. What console offered the unique experiences I couldn’t get elsewhere? You can have the fanciest tech in all the land, but, to me, it really doesn’t mean shit if there isn’t anything on your console I feel like playing that I can’t get elsewhere. This was always the problem with the Xbox for me. Most any game on the Xbox I can get on the PC or PS3. The exclusives (that I’m familiar with anyway) like Halo and Gears of War have always looked mediocre or outright boring to me where I don’t even want to play them at a friend’s house when the offer comes up. I mean, if I like the friend, I’ll endure, but don’t expect me to enjoy it. Then there’s all the XBLA games that started off being uniquely for the Xbox360. I’ll admit, there were a few on there that almost had me buying an Xbox360 because they looked like fun. But I held out long enough for the sake of not having much cash for new hardware and my patience was rewarded with just about all of them being released on Steam, making the purchase of an Xbox360 moot.

And with this push for the XboxOne to be an all-in-one media hub, I feel like what I look for in a console is being ignored entirely. This need for consoles to feature online connectivity, video streaming, DVD/BluRay players, and all these other features that do nothing to enhance the gameplay experience have never been a deciding factor when it comes to the devices I buy. I buy Nintendo consoles because I want more Metroid, F-Zero, StarFox, Pokemon, Smash Bros, Fire Emblem, Zelda (sometimes), and several other franchises I’ve grown to enjoy. I bought a PS3 (with backwards compatibility because that matters to me) so I could enjoy the Metal Gear series, Silent Hill, Devil May Cry, God of War, and a few others that I couldn’t get elsewhere. I never cared about the PS3 being a DVD/BluRay player because my PC already can do that. I never cared about Netflix because I usually don’t have time to stream movies or TV. But when I do, I usually just do that on my PC. I never cared about any of this NFL/sports crap that the XboxOne is trying to shove down our throats and I never will.

It’s the same reason I go to the PC for gaming over consoles quite often. It’s not that I want to play with the highest graphics like many PC gamers I know do. Hell, I could play on max settings, but I just stick to default because it doesn't matter to me. For me, it’s always been about what will allow me to get the most out of my games and purchases for the least amount of money? For PC, I have a larger selection of quality indie titles, the ability to mod games (No, this does not mean cheats, but ways to improve the game’s function or increase challenge), FREE online services (usually), and plenty of other things that I simply can’t do on a console, especially one that is as restrictive as what Xbox brand has typically been. Seeing the demonstration and reading the blurbs from the XboxOne conference, I don’t feel like Microsoft really gets what GAMERS want in a GAMING device. To me, it feels more like the gaming aspect is just something they feel is tacked on with everything else that’s completely fucking irrelevant.

Then there’s the yet to be seen SteamBox… A device made by the well-known and well-respected developer, the Valve Corporation. While there is little information on this device yet or what it will do overall, I feel like I could safely put my money in this and get a much better experience than what any of the competitors will offer. Yes, including my still beloved WiiU. Why? Because unlike Nintendo, Microsoft, or Sony, Valve has shown time and again that they understand the gaming community better and will often work to improve their products and services based on the collective demands of that community. They aren’t trying to be a service or device that is for everyone. They’re about games first because that’s what they are good at making and selling. Because, really, that’s all I care about. I care about what device(s) will let me enjoy the next iteration of Batman Arkham, Portal, Elder Scrolls, Sonic the Hedgehog, Metroid, SuperGiantGames title, or Bayonetta among others in the best and most convenient way possible. I don’t give a fuck if I can order Pizza Hut pizza through the damned thing because I have at least three or four other, just as reasonable ways, to do that (like using my Domino’s app on my phone to order a better fucking pizza). But I only have one device in my home that will play a legal copy of Super Metroid.

Again, I’m not saying you can’t like your XboxOne when it comes out. You may very well enjoy it and whatever Microsoft decides to offer on it. I, for one, have virtually no interest in it. The device and what it can do that isn’t game related holds nothing for me as I have stated. The lack of backwards compatibility kills my interest in ANY system anymore (looking at you too PS4). Then the fact they haven’t announced any exclusives of any interest, instead, focusing on fucking Call of fucking Duty. Really? Most Xbox fans I’ve talked to agree that felt horribly tacked on and out of place. But really?

Even you have to admit, XboxFans, that Microsoft WASTED a perfectly good opportunity to show off something worthwhile on the games front to hold us over until E3. This was Microsoft’s show, the only one on stage showing off ANYTHING to the WORLD! If you had something interesting to show, I would think that this would be the moment to do it before you have to share a spotlight with Sony in a few weeks. Some have argued that this is so they can show something AT E3 and not look silly trying to compete at E3. My response is, so what? Nintendo stepped out of having a big show at E3 because they know they don’t need it, nor do they want to be a part of that circus this time around. What’s more important? The ability to show off the best of your products to your fanbase without distraction or trying to compete in the eternal dick-waving competition that is the console wars? Because, frankly, I think the conference was a waste of time for someone looking for a game console in the next generation. No, not anymore of a waste than the PS4 conference. An equal amount of waste. Both conferences were wasted showing only a bare minimum of stuff to even call it a conference. The PS4 didn’t even have its hardware there to show off. I’ll give them credit for showing their games, but none of them really stood out as being “must haves” to me. But that is just my opinion on the matter, and it doesn’t mean those games won’t be good. But I feel like both of these devices will be well outside of a comfortable price range for me and I’ll likely skip on them for a while, if not indefinitely.

I also feel terrible for the used games market. Yes, the business practices of GameStop aren’t good and have been somewhat harmful to the industry for a while now. That said, I feel used games are something that helps make a new console generation flourish when done right. If a console is backwards compatible, I can play old games from my old console. Not only that, if I find something from a PS2 on the cheap that looks good and I don’t feel like shelling out for a full price PS3 game, then I’ll go for that instead. Do I feel bad when the money doesn’t go to the hardworking developers of the games? Sometimes. Whenever I bought a used Platinum game or Suda51 game, I’d say so because they’re brilliant in terms of game design and gameplay as well as being unique gems in gaming. Not so much when I buy an EA game because FUCK EA. But it’s not that I feel bad for GameStop because I feel that business put itself into this corner by its own actions. No, I just feel bad for the likelihood of the many jobs being lost and any used retail gaming outlet now that more consoles are pushing for more digital sales over retail (Nintendo) and with the used game market being pushed away slowly but surely by Microsoft.

Because, when you think about it, I feel most of the decisions put into the design and functionality of the XboxOne were to reduce piracy and used games profit loss. In short, the XboxOne is the DRM dream machine. No used games because games require a CD key to “get the right” to play it on XboxLive. You can’t just borrow a game from a friend, you have to buy it outright. But don’t worry, you can still trade your game in after purchase… digitally on XboxLive. I get that you want to reduce piracy, but I feel like cutting into the used game market is an anti-consumer practice that I just don’t agree with. Not to mention the problem I have here beyond that is that we then technically don’t own the games at this point. We only own the rights to access digital copies of the games. Should the company that owns the game go out of business for whatever reason, that stands to reason we could lose access to that game as well. In short, everything about the XboxOne gives Microsoft MORE control over the products because they’re taking it from us. Call me paranoid and drawing conclusions from what you can assume is nothing, but to me this seems like the obvious logic that a big entertainment (not gaming) company would take to protect their products.

Don’t believe me? Microsoft isn’t the only company pushing ridiculous measures to “protect their IP and product.” I’m sure most of you heard about the recent news with Nintendo wanting to take all the profits from ad revenue for any Let’s Play of any Nintendo game ever. And don’t get me started on Sony’s Smash-Bros-Imitation that is really just a big marketing stunt to promote new games. What about EA’s project $10 that just recently stopped which was modeled after Ubisoft’s bullshit DRM fees which stopped because they realized how dumb that was?

But you know what… it doesn’t matter to me. Defend your piece of plastic only good for playing the next Halo and doing a bunch of shit I don’t care about. As for me, I’m going to continue enjoying playing games on gaming consoles and my PC. Not because they’re inherently better, but because their game consoles first, and not fucking worthless entertainment hubs. 

Experimenting, Waiting, and Ranting...

Journal of Clarity – 037 – May 20, 2013 / May 21, 2013

As of two days ago, I officially ended my college career. No longer am I an annoying kid attending an educational facility run by empty-headed instructors who only teach to a test in order to meet the bare minimum requirements set by the government, which are vastly outdone by schools around the world, like Japan or anywhere in Europe for the most part… I kid, not all my teachers were empty-headed, just a lot of them. But now I can move forward to a career in the field I desire (film/writing) and hope that things will work out. If not… I guess I can just become a hobo and ask for handouts. That’s what most everyone else does, right?

I got bored this morning and I didn’t feel like working on something just then. So I was perusing the internets and found some “dating” sites that offer a different kind of experience than what I’m essentially used to. Basically, they are sites with the primary goal of introducing you to promiscuous women (or men as the case may be) for no-strings-attached sex. I made a couple profiles, both of which pretty much said, “I am bored at the moment and just seeing what happens when I make a profile here.” For those interested, I tried this on “ashleymadison.com,” “adultfriendfinder.com,” and “xdating.com.” Yeah, I really should have been working on editing instead, but I was bored and felt like seeing was going on with these sites here.

First, let me just say unless you have a script/ad blocker or some kick-ass anti-virus, I’d avoid these sites entirely. Luckily, I was okay, but just as a precaution. So, I guess the rules in sex apply here as well, have protection. (ha). So what did I learn and are these sites at all worth checking out?

Ashleymadison.com is a site completely devoted to helping people already involved with relationships (married, attached, or otherwise) and help them find someone to cheat with. In fact, it is in their tagline, “Life’s too short, so have an affair.” Now, I’m all for people freely choosing whatever way they wish to ruin their lives and the lives of people around them, but this is kind of sad. Not to mention the fact that there are payments required to do just about anything on the site. Men cannot initiate interaction with women without paying (but the opposite is not true), however men can respond for free (I think). Now, me being cheap and only just seeing what these sites had to offer, I find this to be annoying. Perhaps a better payment option would be to make it so you have to pay for certain features (like instant message, uploading more than one image, etc), but I would think that messaging people for a site that, at its core. is social networking (with a focus on getting laid) would make messaging people a free and basic function. But that is entirely not the case… and this would not be the first instance of this happening.

“Adultfriendfinder.com” gave me a little more to do, but that’s like saying that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 gave me a little more to do than Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. (OH! I JUST WENT THERE!) As far as I can tell, you could message people here, but you couldn’t view profiles at all, not even a person’s small and hardly descriptive introduction. How on earth are you supposed to find people you’d want to know, talk to, fuck, marry, etc if you can’t learn a damned thing about them beyond their screen name and a possibly fake/old/modified image?

Don’t even get me started on “xdating.com” because that site is just one evil tease for the most part. The same gimmick here applies that you can’t actually do much without paying for it. However you can interact with other members for free. Each profile has a button that says, “Do you like this person?” If you click it, it will say that “You like this person.” That person will then be notified and they can do the same to you. However you still cannot message them or anything, making that almost completely fucking irrelevant. Even if one was just interested in having sex with random strangers, how are you supposed to do it on that site without giving away your credit information to a less than reputable site? You can’t meet these people without sharing some kind of information, which you can’t do without giving away more valuable information to a faceless entity! I’m sure there are people on there who use these features to the fullest and probably have sex with random strangers from online on a regular basis. But it’s free to use Craigslist and easier to communicate with people. Plus the “like this person” gimmick is a joke. I didn’t have a picture on my profile nor did I even say anything about myself that would give a decent impression about me, and I got three or four people liking me back. So either they’re incredibly desperate to the point where any potential chance for sex will get their interest, or they’re fake accounts/bots used to goat people to actually put in their credit information, only to pull the rug out from under them. I’ll never know the real truth because I have a credit rating and a reputation to maintain. That was just my fun little experiment for the morning in between episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender and designing minecraft challenges.

EDIT: So I got a message from someone on the site “Xdating” and thought to myself, “Okay, let’s see what happens when I respond.” Because I was under the impression that I could at least respond to people. Nope. Apparently it costs money to interact with anyone in a message format no matter how you do it. The message, however, was interesting, saying she thinks she had seen me elsewhere on the web before (based on my name as I still had yet to include an image). Being as this was the first time I used “CaptainRadical” I decided to test this. I copied her image from her profile and did a google image search to see where else she were else she was and perhaps see if there was a site I could respond for free rather than give out credit information. Turns out the image is very likely a fake as it is on several different Russian sites. So… yeah… going to assume that site isn’t necessarily safe for your wallet. :P

I also like how said site’s ladies are trying to get me to interact with them by saying how they want to know more about me which can only be done if I spend money to actually get permission to send messages to people. It seems more obvious than anything it’s all a scam or that most of these people are absolute idiots. Ha.

With all that aside, one could assume that my recent interactions with an attractive woman who has been deemed “absolutely perfect for me” by several associates has ended… But that assumption would be mostly wrong. Again, the above story, it was me just goofing around and seeing what the hell was going on with these “sex-dating sites.” As for the lady in question, we have a date for Tuesday (tomorrow, at the time of writing). The last time we had planned to go out, she had to cancel due to work stuff coming up that went on much later than she had expected. This time around, there may be issues with homework, but seeing as how we have a set time and plan, I’m feeling doubtful that will be the case.

Do I think things will work out? I’m confident that so long as I take everything I’ve learned from my previous failings in relationships as well as just keep calm, be myself, and have fun that things will be alright. That said, I’m sure something will happen where things go into the shitter because despite my best efforts, the cruel hand of fate, also known as God, likes to toy with me when he isn’t busy causing kids in Africa to die of hunger or AIDS. I know what you’re thinking. “Aaron! This isn’t being optimistic and confident! This is being pessimistic and somewhat fearful.” And while that’s true, I’d like to say that I am merely just acting realistic. Shit things happen when we least expect them to happen. Ergo, I just take the side of caution and expect shit things to happen all the time so, at the very least, the disappointment when they do happen isn’t so surprising.

But I think my number one reason I have any doubts of this working out is merely that it’s hard to hold a conversation down with her. Granted she’s busy, but I feel like there’s more to it I’m not aware of. And maybe I’m just making a big deal about nothing.

UPDATE: So… yeah… second date got canceled as well. I’m starting to think that there’s something going on here that I’m not aware of either because she isn’t being direct and telling me or because I’m being paranoid. Either way, this is getting annoying. I just want to take her out, get to know her more, and hopefully keep my presence as something she’s aware of so I don’t get forgotten for some other guy instead. But how can I reasonably do that if I keep getting pushed aside like this every single time? Worst of all, she is going out of town this week and will be gone for about a week and a half which kind of pushes back me being able to see her or do ANYTHING anytime soon. This is starting to give me flashbacks to winter break all over again. I’ll make one last attempt to make things happen before I ask the direct question of whether or not I’m being avoided for whatever reason. But, anymore, I feel like I’m wasting my time because I’m the only one putting anything into this thing that resembles the base of a relationship… which is getting rather annoying.

What else… Hm…

New Sonic the Hedgehog game was announced last week, which I’m greatly excited for since I love me some more blue blur. Arkham Origins is looking more interesting with a new trailer and details about the voice acting. Once I see some gameplay, I’ll be able to decide if I’m in or not on a pre-order. Same applies to Deadpool. Come on guys, show me some fucking gameplay! I refuse to pre-order anything anymore without seeing gameplay first (with exceptions to Bayonetta 2 since it is already pre-ordered). That said, expect me to pre-order the next Sonic game if it comes with anywhere near the amount of swag that Generations did (if that bonus comes to AMERICA).

Also, new trailer for Red Vs. Blue SEASON 11! So we have that and RWBY starting soon as well as Breaking Bad later this summer along with Arrested Development’s return. Let’s also not forget the return of Legend of Korra and the premier of Agents of SHIELD later this fall! We also have Man of Steel and Pacific Rim this summer with Thor 2 in fall. Yeah, lots of good stuff happening in the coming months entertainment wise. Just need some more games, damn it.

OH! I got Radiant Historia, finally. It’s pretty cool so far. An RPG with time-travel elements to it. Essentially certain points in the story require you to make a decision and that decision affects the course of events that follows (obviously). However, sometimes things will not go well. In those cases, you use the White Chronicle to go back to that point and make a different choice entirely, which is really interesting. I can’t wait to play farther and see where that ultimately goes.

Xbox Reveal was disappointing. The XboxOne is a really strange name for a console, and I had to accept the fucking “Wii” and “WiiU.” They do realize there are parents buying this for their kids who are going to be all kinds of confused with that name, right? At least XboxInfinity sounded kind of cool. ANYWAY, the forced integration of Kinect (i.e. every console launches with it no matter what) seems like not only a waste of money on Microsoft’s part, but also just a pointless idea in general. Didn’t most developers give up on supporting that and the Move? Aren’t motion controls part of the reason Nintendo was ignored by most worthwhile developers last generation? Why can’t Sony and Microsoft get that no one fucking cares about their desire for waggle controls?

Also, only a handful of games were shown at the event. I’ve seen the argument that with E3 right around the corner, there’s no reason to show off games now. That’s a stupid argument entirely. That’d be like saying that since the Tank (in Left 4 Dead) won’t come up for another two minutes in this game, we can ignore this perfectly fine Molotov just sitting here and keep moving. You have an opportunity to generate interest in your console by showing off the new games for it; you should do it and not wait until you have to share the stage with Sony! This conference was their chance to say everything without having anyone else to share the spotlight with and they wasted it showing what is pretty much a PS4, but with a big green X on it and a Microsoft logo somewhere.

No backwards compatibility, so I have even less reason to have interest in it now, not that the Xbox or Xbox360 games had my attention, since I never bothered to mess with those either. No touchscreen or touchpad like the competition, so I’m curious as to why they’re forgoing that option unless they’re really banking that Kinect will work this time. Also took the idea of game capture in console AND apparently you can editing that footage in console as well. So, that’s a step up from the PS4. But the attachment to the archaic system of XboxLive is still going to be there. And, of course, there’s still the focus of it being an all-in-one entertainment device that is supposed to do everything… OH!  And play games too! Almost forgot about that!

Jim Sterling and Bob Chipman said it best ages ago before the WiiU had hit the shelves. The desire for these gaming devices to encompass everything and do everything is getting old and pointless. TVs already do most everything the consoles do unless their old, in which case, you can’t even get the most out of the console anyway since older TVs can’t play HD either. But, more importantly, this drives the focus of the consoles away from their original purpose, to play games, and towards features that I don’t care about or intend to use. This is, in particular, what annoys me about both the new consoles and their announcements as well as the long wait time for the WiiU to get anything new.

But, again, is any of this really a surprise? Last generation was pretty much a contest between Xbox360 and PS3 to see who can rip off the other best until they were both financially crushed by the Wii. Then they took the stupid idea of adding motion control gimmicks to their console, which also ultimately didn’t work out (see Steel Battalion for the 360 Fable The Journey and Wonderbook). Now their back to pretty much doing the same stupid thing from before of being exact copies of one another with only a few minor differences to set them apart. I’d say Nintendo is clearly winning right now if it wasn’t for their recent PR stupidity (again) involving the Let’s Plays copyright infringement as well as their recent remove of same sex relations from one of their 3DS games and calling it a “bug.”

So yeah… all big three console developers are idiots right now because none of them know how to stand out in ways that aren’t stupid.

My, this went on WAY longer than I wanted to. Umm… yeah. I’ll end here. See ya! 

Now some coming attractions

Journal of Clarity – 036 – May 14, 2013

Well, I knew it would happen. I knew I would stumble upon my Achilles’ Heel with this new potential relationship and we haven’t even gotten to our first real date yet. … How’s that for a teaser? You want to know the full story? We’ll it’ll be a while. Let’s have some fun first.

I have a final this afternoon and that’s not going to be fun. It’s in Japanese History, a class I’ve been doing decent in, but clearly I could be doing better. It’s mostly for a lack of effort, I’ll openly admit. But given that this was my last semester and that it was a history course, I didn’t think I would need nearly as much focus on it as I did for… say… my film course that was a very involved and creative course. I was wrong but I made up for it I think where I should pass the class so long as I don’t bodge the final up too much. But once it’s done, I’m pretty much all done. Yeah, I have a final screening for film, but I don’t think we’re doing anything in it beyond watching everyone’s films (which doesn’t sound THAT entertaining because I’m sure there’s a lot of unpolished stuff in there that is going to drive me nuts).

In our own class there were some pieces I felt were editing kind of poorly. Granted, mine isn’t perfect, but still. Some tried to have a message in their video, which I only know what those are because of what they said during our workshop screening. Others needed to fix their audio mixing. Others their pacing was a tad off. As for me, I know there are a few spots I could polish up a bit better. But I also consider it a learning experience. Whatever didn’t work well in our first attempt at a live action short will be used to make better live action shorts for E-Vac Station throughout the summer.

I’m also kicking off a big editing kick this week with all the free time I’m going to have the week prior to my work schedule getting a massive overhaul. I’ve already started getting more episodes of Ninja Gaiden rendered and ready. We’ll need to record more soon. Shadows of the Damned and Aquaman will also be up on the block because they all require the least amount of work, with the latter being short as dicks. I’m also going to get working on the more involved project that is “Sonic All-Stars Racing” because I know people have been wanting that for a while… mainly Alan because it was his first Game On. But regardless, I still want it up. Once my final is done, I’ll be back here and doing that all day.

So yeah. I feel like I’m drawn to a particular kind of girl/woman/female without even realizing it. At first, I thought it was based on physical features (i.e. red heads or Asians or whatever). But I think I like women who are more aggressive and outgoing, considering how I’m mostly not and not. On top of that, it would seem my new potential leading lady (because nothing is official or whatever yet) likes men who are assertive and confident. Hm… this sounds familiar… wait… could it be… it is! [insert Power Stone sfx of “Oh NOOOOOOOO!]

If I had to make any observations or blanket statements about this whole thing, it’s this: the currently wonderful lady I’m seeing now feels like she’s my last ex but with a palette swap and a few of her character setting sliders altered a bit on features I won’t get into because that would be none of your business nor mine to necessarily share. But literally a lot of the same talents and interests as before with the general same demeanor and… yeah… this is sort of unexpected and I’m not sure what to make of this.

Granted, this doesn’t affect my opinion of her at all. I still like her as much as I did before. But I find observations like this hilarious. But I will still say I feel like she’s too good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still try because aside from being more awesome than I’m probably capable of handling, she seems like the perfect person for me to be with. Again, we’ll see how tomorrow goes. I’m on the side believing I’m capable of making this work, and it seems like she’s willing to be patient and understanding (which I’ve heard before, so that could literally mean anything). But there’s always that niggling doubt that says I’ll bodge it up somehow. Probably with the usual foot-into-mouth routine I’ve gotten down to a science anymore without any effort.

For those who’ve been reading for a while and are probably just now making this observation, yes, these journal entries do tend to coincide with problems with women I  meet for relationship/romance. To that, I say, what else were you entirely expecting? The beginning did state that I would be talking about my personal life. Work is mundane. School is wrapping up. And I have a separate blog for E-Vac Station that no one ever went to on a regular basis. Only thing left is to talk about the love life. So if you’re pointing that out as a complaint, I’m sorry, but that’s just how it goes.

In fact, I have an entire volume of journal entries noted as the “Journal of Madness” which was an expression of how frustrated and confusing it was dealing with relationships and trying to meet people. It was only after a truly bad experience and entering into a new, potentially better experience ( that clearly didn’t work) did I start going into the “Journal of Clarity.” The idea being that I’m not longer as confused and frustrated because I’ve had a moment of clarity to figure out the basis of what I need to do to make things work. Additionally, I like a more positive idea of using my problems as a way to help reach new understandings of myself and how the world works. Furthermore, it is used to clarify my ideas, actions, and words as well as the same of others that could be considered confusing.

No, the Journal of Madness will never make it to the internet. There would be a lot of editing needed before I could even consider it, which I’m too lazy to get around to doing. Plus, those were dark times in my opinion. Yeah, there were good moments that I can look back on fondly, but they were all generally outweighed by lots of bad shit happening all around it. Ergo, it won’t be out for the public like this is. I may casually reference it without thinking, but beyond that, nope.

Anyway, I have to go and study what I can for this final and hope I can at least muster a C (which shouldn’t be too difficult). After that, I’ll see you at the editing desk. I’m out! 

And now on to our feature presentation

Journal of Clarity - #35 – Born to Be a Winner! Born to be the very best!

I’ve had that Pokémon theme stuck in my head practically all week. Ever get annoyed that the Pokémon themes (on average) are not bad, but they’re also really catchy so if you hear it once, it’s hard to really forget it? I know I do because while I like this iteration of the theme song, it’s fucking annoying how it won’t stop playing on an infinite loop in my own personal hell where I’m stuck playing generation V while having to listen to it over and over again… while James from Team Rocket beats me with a Saints Row 3 dildo over and over again.

Anyway… why am I here?

OH! RIGHT!

So this week, including yesterday, could arguably be considered the closing of one chapter of my life and the beginning of an entirely new one on a multitude of levels that I will get into here and now.

First, graduation! Yay! It’s finally fucking happening! I got delayed a year because the academic advisors at the University of Iowa (let’s be fair, the one jackass I got stuck with) don’t know how to do their jobs properly. BUT, here I am ready to walk across a fucking stage and get a piece of fucking paper that says I received an education from the obviously inferior American education system so I’m equivalent in intelligence to the typical Japanese High School graduate. (That really does kind of take the spectacle out of this whole ordeal, doesn’t it?)

But regardless of that, the fact of the matter is that I am done. I’m no longer tied to this school or this city for that matter. I no longer am tied to a job to simply get through school. I mean, I never was FORCED to stay at [shit grocery store] but I felt it was just easier to keep that and not try to find a new job while still in school and needing to still pay bills. Less stress is better, even if it means that I spend 8 hours a day for four days a week at a place I’ve turned into my own personal hell… well… on some days. Other days, I get to work with people like RageQuit (name changed for reasons) or Adolf (same) and the two of them make being there less tedious and annoying. Especially lately because it seems like we’re talking about hanging out more and doing more things.

In fact, while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about my job a bit. Every day, it’s becoming more annoying to be there. Why? Because one thing I took pride in was the flexibility given to me to work on our self-service case in a manner that pretty much gave me free reign to do whatever I thought would help sell stuff. And for a while, that’s what I did and it was a streak of success. But we get a slow period and suddenly we have to cut corners everywhere and guess who suddenly gets that lovely flexibility reduced to almost nil? Yeah.

Here’s my thing, I understand the need to make some cuts on some corners. But I also hold the belief that we should still continue to push new ideas and put out the best product we can make. It’s the same opinion I have when it comes to the game publishers of recent late. I get the idea of reducing risk of profit loss by making homogenized products. I get that you want to copy the most successful thing on the market in hopes of making more money on it. You know what the problem is? Making a game like Call of Duty (for example) is never going to work. Call of Duty reigns supreme in the Call of Duty market and trying to beat them at their own game is a waste of time. And while you chase that CoD money with your knock-off imitator, you’re leaving niche audiences that want horror games, point-n-click adventure games, puzzle games, and other types out in the cold. There’s more profit out there you’re missing out on because you’re choosing to reduce risk on backing products for those people and doing what you think works because you think it’s safe.

Which is funny to think about. Because while I preach this to game companies and talk about how their refusal to take risks and make themselves stand out I feel like I’ve failed to live up to this own standard (for the most part) when it comes to my own personal life. What I mean by this is when I try to meet people or when I’m with someone in a dating/relationship scenario, I tend to be quiet, awkward, and take as few risks as possible to avoid losing that person’s interest. But what I’ve sort of learned recently from experience and from this analogy I’ve cleverly put together to make a segway is that problem I complain about EA or Nintendo doing is the same problem I have with trying to be with people of the opposite sex. And because I’m so worried about losing their interesting in a risky way, I tend to lose their interest because I end up being boring. So, see game companies! I can learn from my mistakes and so can you!

(By the way, first moment of clarity in the Journal of Clarity since it went public! Finally living up to the name!)

Speaking of meeting people of the opposite sex and trying to keep them around, this is news you may be somewhat interested to hear. I recently met an attractive young woman online and we met in person even more recently. Things were a little awkward at first, which I guess would be expected given the situation. But we spent most of the time talking with each other or to the group of friends I took her back home to meet (because this meeting with her was planned entirely last minute and said friends had already invaded my home when these plans were… um… planned). I want to give a quick shout out to Landon (name unchanged) because when we were back at the apartment, he sort of helped poke conversation amongst the three of us (and occasionally four). Yes, I know that isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it’s a helpful stepping stone to future meet ups, I guess.

That said, I don’t think I’ve freaked her out, put my foot in my mouth, or was boring enough to scare her away yet. In fact, it seems like we’ve hit it off quite nicely. We’re meeting up again on Wednesday for what seems to be like a more formal kind of date, which is cool. Bad news is this means delays for podcasting and stuff (maybe pushed back to Thursday). So for those who are involved in that who read this, I apologize in advance for that, but seeing as how I rarely meet attractive single women who will hold a conversation with me longer than five minutes, I think this is one of those things worth changing plans for.

So what makes her so interesting to me that I’m pursuing this venture? Well… a lot actually. She’s an artistic type, really good at illustrating. She’s incredibly intelligent to the point where I’m almost intimidated by it. She’s also a gaming/techno nerd who knows more about computers than I do. Granted, I don’t know THAT much, but I’d argue she could probably even put Wayne (name changed) to shame with what she knows. Not to mention she has her life well organized and planned out. There’s way more to her than that, but I figured I’d hit the highlights here because I could probably spend an entire entry just listing off all the fascinating things I learned about her in a single evening.

With all that in mind and then some, I am under the impression that she’s WAAAAY too good for me. Like, I’ve mentioned her to a few good chums at work and they said, based off what I told them, that she sounds like the perfect girl for me. And while that seems to be more or less true, I feel had we met under any other circumstances, she’d likely consider herself way out of my league and pass on me faster than the Flash could run around the block. So in this situation here, I guess I’m incredibly lucky to have met someone as good as her, but I get a feeling the usual shenanigans of my saying or doing something stupid will occur and break down the truth that I’m not even closer to her level of “awesome”.

No, this isn’t me trying to put myself down. She’s literally done so much more and is doing so much more with her life than most anyone I know, including myself. All that on top of how talented she is and how similar our interests are… yeah… I feel like I’m Batman who also got to keep his parents but is still the most badass superhero ever… (By that, I mean I feel like there’s too much “win” happening here for this to be legitimately happening, if that even makes sense).

But I’ll try not to think about that as much, if I can help it. We’ll see how our first official date kind of thing goes on Wednesday. Who knows? Maybe the next time I post something on here will be when I’m in another committed relationship… hopefully one that doesn’t end almost immediately after I mention that it exists (which seems to be the common theme of recent relationships).

Okay! Enough about that, because I’ve spent WAY too much time talking about that for me to not be jinxed. Let’s talk about something else… um…

So I’m talking with RageQuit about what we’re going to do with future episodes of our Let’s Play shenanigans. He and I are going to start constructing stuff for us to do in Minecraft. On top of that, we’ll have a running series with Smash Bros. On top of that will be our usual Game On videos (hopefully). On top of that is our long running Let’s Plays (eventually). On top of all that is our podcast. I feel like with school out of the way, this should all be more doable. Not to mention it sounds like I might finally start getting help with editing as both Stive and RageQuit want to get the editing software I use and learn how to use it and both (I think) offered to help with that if needed. All of which is awesome. I can’t wait til all that gets going.

And if all that goes well, maybe that job at RoosterTeeth I’ve wanted for so long is more of a reality and less of a pipedream. Only time will tell. Until next  time, later kids!

Why can't I sleep?

Journal of Clarity – 034 – May 03, 2013

Can’t sleep. Just got done watching the Iron Man 3 movie. But that’s not why I can’t sleep. It was a good movie. Did some stuff that surprised me, which I’m still debating if I liked or not. I’ll likely see it again. And it was still a fun movie overall with the usually good writing, acting, and action to keep it going. If you’re a fan of traditional Iron Man comics, you may not enjoy it quite as much, but aside from that, it’s still fun.

This isn’t a review blog. This is a blog about me and personal problems. And I still feel bad I haven’t updated in half-a-month. What can I say? I’ve been incredibly busy. School work piled up, and only PARTLY because I procrastinated. Some of it is just very involved and has taken up more time than I expected it to. But the video project is getting there. I’m spending most of tomorrow working on it. I have to do a story re-write, which will likely be what I spend time on Sunday or Monday, pending on the video’s progress at that point. It won’t be long til I graduate and am done with everything and can try to focus on more important things.

I say try because I still can’t focus on things, or at least things I want to focus on. You probably guessed it. I’m still thinking of her. It’s been over a month since we broke up. I should have moved on by now, I’m sure she has. Especially after how hostile everything was at the end, why do I still wish things could have been different? Is it her? Is it me not wanting to be alone? Is it a mix of both? I feel like a broken record, but sad fact is that I still wish she were with me. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I spent three years away from her here at this fucking hellhole of a college, with my thoughts occasionally drifting back to her and how I missed her a little. Then when I had a chance to maybe have her back in my life, I spent three years of wondering and hoping wasting it. And I can’t get out of that round-about mindset.

Honestly, I’d do anything just to be able to talk to her again and hopefully set the record straight and repair the bridge we both inadvertently burned. But would she listen? Would she care? Would she understand? What would I even say?

I guess I’d start with saying that I have a lot of apologies to make, which I guess wouldn’t be that big a surprise, since it seemed like I was always apologizing for something. Usually little things because that’s just my initial reaction when I make a small bungle that may or may not affect someone. But when things get serious, I do legitimately mean my apologies and they aren’t just empty apologies. So I’m sorry that I failed to live up to her expectation or to live up to the guy I thought I was. More importantly, I’m sorry that I tried to be that guy I thought I was, rather than myself… because that’s the guy she initially wanted to be with before and mostly what she anticipated when we got back together. But the thing about that is I’ve never been necessarily proud of myself despite my accomplishments (if you want to call them that), my skills (whatever they may be), or anything else really. Call it a lack of confidence, that’s what I call it, and what she called it because that’s essentially what it is.

And what’s to not be confident about? I guess that’s just something I’ve never known or understood. I always thought it was just left over anxiety from my first ex, and that may still be the case, but I have started thinking it’s something else and I can’t quite say what.

All I know is I’m driving myself crazy because I can’t stop thinking about her. I spent three years trying to move on from her. Then this happens and now I’m stuck with this again. If there was some way to fix things between us, go back in time and get a do-over, or just alter reality so I could see or experience a better outcome, I’d go for it. Not that I’m absolutely miserable now, but I’m not really happy with the spot I’m in and I would like to see how life would be had things gone differently. I’d like to sit in the camp believing things would be mutually better for both of us, but I suppose I’m biased in that regard.

Still not really tired yet… hm… What can I talk about to distract me and bore me to death for roughly twenty minutes until I can no longer stay awake?

Hmm…

It’s funny. I thought I’d be tired by now, but I’m not. I’m really pumped and energized. It kind of bugs me. Again, thoughts of her, watching a kickass movie, and generally just being somewhat insane all kind of working against me right now (when doesn’t that work against me?).

Okay, so I guess I’ll talk about something random that just happened. Recently got two friend requests on Facebook. Won’t name names. I don’t know who they are. I just added them because I was bored and whatever (plus more friends, means more people who will know of E-Vac Station and help spread the word of our fun video projects). Instant I added them, they started messaging me. One commented on my profile pics (I sense a disturbance in the force there) while the other asked if I liked piercings… I should also point out both of these were females. Both of which were blonde and their profile pics have alcohol in them. The fact that both are so incredibly similar makes me rather suspicious of… well… everything.

Not only that, both asked for my cell-number so they could text me. Um… little strange. Usually I like to talk to people and figure out who they are before I hand that kind of personal and obnoxious method of communication to anyone. If you know me, you know I hate texting because it’s garbage. No really, if I could just talk to people, I would, but everyone wants to text, so fuck it. Whatever.

I haven’t answered these two… um… ladies yet. Partly because it’s 1:15 AM and while I’m not tired, I don’t want to get dragged into a conversation with two total strangers on facebook when I may very well collapse from exhaustion. I also am unsure of what to think of someone who asks for a number to send me pics. Given all the clues up to this point, I can only assume they are drunk (the kinder assumption) or sluts (the cruder assumption). This leads me to conclude that the pics I get will be of a questionable nature. I’ll let you decide what I should expect, because I don’t frankly care.

So what will I do? Fuck it. I’ll wait til morning. If they still have facebook profiles then or if I hear from them again tomorrow, I’ll respond with something. This isn’t me being anti-social. This is me not wanting to get drawn into something stupid and distracting, especially this close to a semester ending with enough distractions on my plate already (mentally, physically, and emotionally, if you haven’t been keeping up with this “blog”).

That’s all for now. I’m going to try and get sleep. I doubt I will. Wish me luck.