The Crossroads of Destiny

(Editors note: Title is a GREAT episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender. You best check that shit out!)

This may end up being one of those logs that doesn’t go to air. If it does, expect name changes and perhaps some restructuring so that it’s approved for all ages. Also, I’m writing this over the course of two days. The first bit being the pre-game, and the second being whenever I can get to it the following day. As you can guess, something may, in fact, be going down in between and I’m about to spill what that may or may not be and then talk about it and hope to bring myself to a conclusion on the whole thing (eventually).

So I was just sitting home, minding my own business while watching some of the outtakes from Red Vs. Blue Season 9 (best bonus features of the series so far, by the way). Suddenly, I get a text from Nina (name changed) and she’s been drinking and felt fairly tipsy. For those who don’t remember, I mentioned Nina, though not by any given name. She was the girl I mentioned a few posts back who I felt was WAAAY out of my league as she did tech circles around me like she was on a god damned Tron bike. Anyway, I continued the conversation, not expecting much more than drunken ramblings before I started getting ready to turn in. Things took a bit of a turn when she said she felt like making out (jokingly) with her drink. I made a “witty” response which then turned into something else. Now I’m essentially waiting for her to bump her friend out so I can go over and see where the night ends up taking us.

So the reason I haven’t been posting recently is largely because the common thought running through my head of “I’m lonely. I’m horny” and bouncing between these two things over and over again. Fact is, I don’t really know what I’m wanting in a relationship right now. I mean, I know, ultimately, what would be nice to have, but given all that’s happened… I’m not sure if I’m even ready to commit to anything seriously. And I don’t mean that in the sense I have commitment issues or anything. But in the sense that I don’t want to commit to a relationship and not be all there for them. I don’t want a repeat of what happened with Rose where I really do care about them, but I’m not mentally there 100% to show that.

This has led me to conclude two things. One, perhaps what some people have been saying is true (won’t name names because this is something that’s been mentioned for a while) and that maybe I just need some random flings. This is something I’ve argued against because I’m more interested in developing something that’s more concrete and real. And, to me, random flings have always come off as cheap (or in some cases, expensive to the wallet, but cheap in emotional depth) and it usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve come to the conclusion that if I don’t know what I want in a relationship to the point where I can (unintentionally) come off as detached, then I’m giving a cheap emotional experience to the person I’m with, regardless. But if the other person and I are in agreement that it’s just a physical thing for fun, then the emotional detachment isn’t as big an issue and we both get to at least experience the intimacy that would normally come with a functioning relationship. And who’s to say that things can’t change from that into something more serious at some point.

The other thing I’ve concluded is that much like my brother, I’m prone to stupid decisions. But my choices generally involve me having fun doing an activity like wasting money on games or losing sleep because of women while he chooses to toss money on alcohol and drugs. I think it’s safe to say who may be getting the better deal in the long run. That said, it is also good to put that into perspective because had I gone on the path he did instead, I might have ended up in a worse situation with worse problems. Meanwhile, my only problems are trying to fully understand women and how to make things work with them. I’m apparently doing something right some of the time unintentionally and I don’t know how, what, why, when, or where. Which is only serving to confuse me more.

Now I feel like I’m rambling. But I think I’m heading out soon. I suppose prepare yourself for the post-game show sometime tomorrow if I can manage to get around to it.

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So this is a couple of days later due to me being tired and also wanting more information before sharing anything that happened. Because I hate to only give you a little information and then constantly go back and forth for weeks giving you different sets of information before holding a press conference to tell you all of the bad stuff that was claimed to be rumors is “true.” You see what I did there? I took a shot at XboxOne in a personal entry about my “sex” life. Bet you haven’t seen that yet.

Anyway, so I went over. Stuff happened gradually. Then once stuff started, it went from starting off slow to shooting up to high gear. I’m keeping this vague and metaphorical because this isn’t supposed to be a pornographic telling of my life. Just me talking about relationships, work, and so forth. If you want porn, go visit pornhub (no, this is not an endorsement, but it’s the only name I could think of fast enough to write).

I waited a few days before directly asking, hoping that it would come up in conversation with her naturally. It didn’t because trying to have a conversation with her is difficult because she’s either busy or drops out randomly, which ends a conversation without warning. What was asked? “Why did it happen and is this just going to be a one-time deal?” The first question was asked simply to find out why someone who came off as not being all that sex-driven suddenly wanted some action. The answer? Booze. I knew she was drunk, but apparently it was more than she was letting on at the time. In light of that, I started to feel kind of bad about it because I never liked the idea of taking advantage of a drunk girl. The idea seems creepy and underhanded. BUT, I was hanging with her a bit beforehand and she seemed pretty aware of what was going on and didn’t come off as being “super drunk”, least that I could tell. Still doesn’t sit well with me over all, but what’s done is done and there isn’t any undoing of anything at this point.

The second question might come off as me simply wanting more action. While that’s partly the case, I was fishing for a different kind of answer. Not so much is this the only action I’m getting out of you, but more of the is this going to be leading anywhere kind of question. Is this going to be a friends-with-benefits deal? A relationship? A one-night stand? Something else entirely that I haven’t thought of? The reason I wanted clarification on this was so that I didn’t build up any expectations for more with there being little to no chance of more. I was already sort of anticipating this call to action (I like that term for this) to happen again simply because it seemed like she was really enjoying herself. BUT, upon asking, she gave me a half-committed “Kind of. We’ll see.” So she took a Microsoft approach on this one (OH! Two shots at the XboxOne shenanigans in a row and I’m not even talking about it in this one).

This was rather disappointing. I would have preferred a definite NO over something that doesn’t really answer the question because then I’d know if this was even worth pursuing anymore. And by “this” I don’t mean sex but I mean just a relationship/friendship/ANYTHING with her. Saying “no” would mean that we’ve hit the limits of what we’re going to be and it would be time to move on. “Yes” would mean that something more is to be had and that things will progress from there. Saying, “Kind of. We’ll see,” tells me almost nothing. I mean, there are some things I can GLEAM from it, but nothing concrete and most of it is just speculation.

What? I can GLEAM that she is interested, but doesn’t want to say yes only to disappoint when nothing ends up happening. I can gleam that she might want more because she did enjoy herself, but doesn’t want to come off as someone who only wants sex (which is understandable, as I want more than just that too). I can gleam that maybe she wants more from me before committing to an answer, but isn’t willing to say exactly what and that may be because she doesn’t quite know either. And… to be fair… I don’t quite know what I want either (segway)

You see… for a while, I’ve wanted a relationship because I like the feeling of someone being that close and intimate with me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I like the idea of someone who gets me completely and accepts me and my shortcomings. Yeah, it sounds like family, but in a perfectly stable relationship, don’t most couples end up becoming family? So that logic is sound. BUT finding someone like that is difficult. No, I’m not trying to sound whiney or complain about something being difficult. I’m just stating the fact that the process is difficult. It can take a long time to find someone who is compatible (similar interests, outlooks on life, etc). And, even then, it comes down to chemistry. I had good chemistry with Susan not long ago, but we weren’t all that compatible. On the flip side, Rose and I seemed fairly compatible, but our chemistry was unstable and broken.

Anymore, I’ve been thinking that maybe some advice I’ve gotten from some friends (ones I’ve disagreed with before on the matter) might be right. Maybe I should be more open to the idea of casual sex. Again, I’m not settling on the idea, but it’s something to think about more and more. It’s a way to get to know a person intimately. It could lead to something more. And if it doesn’t, you get to enjoy a fun activity you wouldn’t get often otherwise. That said, the idea still leaves me feeling somewhat dirty and uncomfortable with the idea. Especially if it means that I may end up taking more drunk girls home with me as a result of it.

So, at this point, I’m not sure what I want. How I want to go about pursuing this girl or anyone else. Or what to really do while I’m figuring all this out. But, regardless of all that, this is distracting and frustrating. It makes it difficult to concentrate on things that really matter and I think that’s the main reason why I was hoping that this wouldn’t be a one-night thing, but a more ongoing thing. Having a constant stream of sex with someone, that could have turned into something more, would give me LESS to think about because if that was the case, I wouldn’t have the thought of looking for someone to be with (not necessarily for just sex, but in a romantic sense in general) at all. But, alas, that isn’t the case. So I shall continue to be distracted and work through such distractions.

I will say this much. I do like sex and I would like more. But I don’t want it to be meaningless and empty with just random girls who offer it up because they have a ridiculously high sex drive and aren’t shy of it or because their drunk. BUT… I don’t know. I’m willing for something physical so long as it’s consistent with someone if it happens. Fuck… I don’t know.

Also. E3 today. Still not convinced about the XboxOne. No to the $500 price tag for an anti-consumer machine like that. No to the XBL subscriptions when Steam, PSN, and WiiU are FREE with the first one being a far superior service. And at least PSN offers an incentive for those who pay with free games every so often. Still no backwards compatibility. Still has the 24-hour online check-in. Still has the severe restrictions to used games. Why bother when it sounds like a shittier PC? Oh? Halo? I don’t give a fuck about Halo or most any other Xbox exclusive. Why do you think I haven’t bought a 360 yet?

PS4 is later tonight. Alright Sony. It’s your turn to show us what a real gaming console is capable of. Don’t fuck it up this time. That said, Nintendo is tomorrow morning and I’m sure that will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows. Now if only Valve or Sega would announce something spectacular this year. Then I’d be good.