Guess who's back... back again...

I love how when I think something is over, I’m usually never right. For example, I thought Halo was over after the third game because trilogies are more appealing and we were expecting something new for the next console generation. Instead, I’m wrong and now Halo will be a “continuing saga” of games instead littered with remakes of old games because that’s what companies do when they don’t mind running something into the ground. When I thought things were over with Rose, we got back together only to find out that we weren’t as compatible as we were so many years ago. Which was a shame because had we managed to sit down and talk about our problems instead of what happened, we might have been okay. Now there is potential for something else I thought that was over to once again return into my life and I’m not sure how to take it just yet.

For those who remember, I had a previous journal series that never went online because it dealt with a lot of dark stuff that I really don’t want to get into. Simply put, I started it because I met a girl online who made me feel way differently than anyone else I had ever been with. I’m not saying that in the “she made me feel special, like a man, or in love” like that. Before we had actually met in person, when I say she made me feel differently, I mean in a sense that she could make me feel happy, angry, depressed, and even borderline scared at times. Not scared of her, but of just the unknown about meeting her and being with her and experience things she mentioned that I wanted but wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. In short, I got a wide range of emotional responses to some of our conversations and some of the things she’s done which is something no other person I’ve ever been with has done to such a large degree.

When we met, there was an immediate connection emotionally and physically and it seemed like we were damn near perfect for each other. So what happened?

She left me for another guy. Then she came back. Then she left again for the same guy. A guy who has consistently proven that he is a pretty disgusting individual with his self-inflated ego and general self-centered attitude. He’s that typical alpha-male douchebag that thinks he’s the shit when really, he’s just shit. He was never a good guy to her and was never willing to change or grow as person to make things work between them better. Yes, this is all based on what SHE has told me. Never met the guy, but he sounds like the kind of person I would immediately hate. I never understood why she kept going back to him when it seemed like he never cared about her. After the second time, I decided I was done with this drama nonsense and moved on to being with Rose (and we all know how that turned out).

She came back one time before Rose and I were official together again. Apparently this boyfriend of hers had been with another woman and was leaving her for this other woman. She came back to me because she had no other option and wanted to be with someone. We spent a day/night together talking about it and… other stuff. At the end of it, it came down to a choice of getting back with her and re-entering into this cyclical nonsense that didn’t seem to really end at all… or pursue other avenues and see if rekindling things with Rose would prove to be fruitful (it wasn’t). You know what choice I made and I don’t have to go down that explanation again.

So what happened to the off-again on-again girl who was left with nothing? Somehow she ended up back with that absolute cretin of a boyfriend. They got engaged. Now they live a stone’s throw away from me and after months of no contact with her, I hear from her again out of the blue. During our conversation, it has come up that she is not satisfied with him in some areas. While he’s “great” in a lot of ways, there are some things he lacks that she says she misses in me. But she isn’t committing to the idea of leaving him or anything like that. My guess is that she isn’t committing because either she’s too afraid to drop what she has for anything else in fear of ending up with nothing, OR she wants me to be the one that takes action and “claims” her for myself from this other guy.

As for me… I’m not really sure. A part of me is very much aware that this is no different than before. It’s the same story just set in the summer and with an engagement ring instead of just a “boyfriend/girlfriend” status thing. And that part of me knows it is a terrible idea to get involved with this nonsense again as I will likely end up getting hurt or just ruining what could (probably won’t) be a very happy (or at most, adequate) marriage. This is the logical side that has pretty much been right about everything up to now including how things would go with Rose, how insane things would eventually get with this girl, and how Legend of Korra’s ending would not be as satisfying as anything in Avatar (boosh).

That in mind… there’s a part of me that wants her back. I can’t say why for sure. Partly because when things were working with us, they were amazing, fun, and I want to relive those good times again. Partly because I’m alone and longing for anything at this point, regardless of who it is, just to see where it will go. Partly because I’m an idiot who doesn’t seem to learn from mistakes. Partly because she’s the reason I renewed my lease out here in Iowa City anyway. Partly because she does mean a lot to me, in ways that actually surprise me. Partly because she brings up something in me with almost no effort that no other girl I’ve been with has been able to yet. Did I mention that I might be an idiot?

As I said on Facebook the other day… life is very much like a maze. It is full of twists and turns. You never really know which path leads to the end. But, regardless you just keep trudging through and making whatever choices you can to progress forward at all. Every choice you make takes you down a different path. Sometimes, it leads to a dead end like accepting a job that has no room for growth or choosing to stay with someone because they’re a safe choice and not because you really love them and accepting their shit knowing you can do better. Sometimes, it just leads to more of the maze, where life continues moving on.

Going with the metaphor, where I am in my maze right now is at a point where I don’t have very many options that are either interesting, inviting, or look like they’ll get me anywhere I want to be. If being with this girl is a choice (a path of the maze) then it is currently the most appealing path to take. In doing so, I can risk quite a bit, but I am no longer alone and I get to be with someone I know well and am comfortable being around. But is that the right path? None of the other paths looks as inviting, but is that perhaps because there’s something hidden beyond what I can see that leads me to even better and more amazing things than I’ve ever experienced to date. And, continuing the metaphor, would being with her end up in me just looping back to where I’ve been and continuing to run around the maze in circles rather than forward?

I guess what I’m asking myself (and you concerned readers who might care, but probably don’t since you’ve yet to respond to anything I’ve said yet): Is being with her worth it? I left her for someone else because I had been burned by her enough to know I don’t want to put up with it anymore. Not only has she forgiven me for that, but it seems like if I play my cards right, I could win her back from this prat she’s with. A guy who isn’t good to her most of the time and is a guy she can’t even trust. You can’t have a relationship with someone if you don’t trust them. It only leads to disaster. Which I guess leads to my next question, do I trust her? And I don’t have an answer for that yet. Mostly because there are a lot of unknowns to this equation that I have yet to pin down.

I think, for the moment, I’m going to take a wait and see approach. Not because I don’t want to actively take her away from this guy and be with her myself. But because I don’t know what I really want yet and because of all that’s going on right now with me heading out of town and stuff over the course of the next couple weeks, I don’t know what I can realistically do. So I’ll wait. Keep the conversation going and see if I can predict this path of the maze before I actually take any steps down it.