What's Next For Me?

Journal of Clarity – 024 – March 29, 2013

It’s the end of March! Woot! I guess if that’s a big deal to you, go out and celebrate. For me, I don’t really care. March isn’t that big a deal to me. I will say I’m a little excited for April since the beginning of the month features two very good days. The first, and most important, being Jackie Chan’s birthday, which is April 7^th. The day before that, however, is my birthday, which I guess makes mine first chronologically, but in order of importance, definitely giving that to Jackie Chan. I’m not saying I’m irrelevant and that my life is meaningless, but Jackie Chan has done so much more with his life than I have yet. Clearly people would be more interested in him than me as it currently stands. Give me a few years, I might be able to catch up (probably not).

So I seem to be in a good mood. Am I? Not especially. I’m still bummed about what happened with Rose a few days ago, and I guess I’ll go into detail on what happened there as well as my plans for the future, which I’m slowly building now that I have a general idea of what I want to do and where I want to go, just hoping I can make it work is all.

Why did things fall apart with Rose when they started out so “strong”? There are a lot of ways to answer that, but I think the most accurate would be that while I really wanted the relationship and really wanted to make it work, I just wasn’t all there. It was too soon after my “relationship” with Susan only a month or so prior and I still hadn’t gotten my head on straight from that. It’s a real shame too because Rose did so much for me and worked really hard to make things happen, and I was too distracted and lost in my head that I not only failed to acknowledge that, but I failed to really give in what I was getting out. Again, it was largely due to me just not being able to keep my head in the moment and focus on what was happening.

On top of that, a genuine level of FEAR was a part of that. (FYI, a running joke I’ve had in entries prior to the online ones is to all-cap FEAR and pronounce it in the voice of the Scarecrow… that’s all). Anyway, I was afraid of getting close to her, and not for a logical reason either. She legitimately was willing to be close to me if I could just work the nerve up to go and do it. The problem was partly that I didn’t want to rush it and make the same mistakes I had with the prior “relationship” but also the issues I had WAAAAY back in high school with Nicole (first girlfriend) kept resurfacing. I’ve never been a guy who was great at timing when to make a move before. Add the additional layers of me not wanting to rush things with the layer of her saying I can do things and we have a cake layered with disaster. Maybe that’s way Ray always goes cakeless?

Regardless, the relationship ended because I was an idiot. I wasn’t the guy she wanted me to be or needed me to be because I was too wrapped up in trying to become that guy rather than just relaxing, being myself, and enjoying my time with her. I feel terrible that things went the way they did. Knowing what I know now a month ago, things would likely have gone differently. I wouldn’t be this miserable, lonely person hating himself for not being able to make a relationship work, especially one that was pretty much laid out to work (or at least it seemed like it was laid out to work at first).

Was it all me? Being the gentleman I am, humble when I can be, I’d like to say a vast majority of it was my fault. Do I blame her for anything? Well, perhaps a bit on miscommunication issues. She was often quick to anger over things and would go straight to insulting and berating me rather than be straightforward with explaining what the issue was. This often made her come off as hostile, which you can help explain why I was often timid to get close to her. Do you really want to be close to someone who, when they’re angry, comes off as someone who would chop your dick off and throw it into that shredder over there? No? Then I can’t be entirely at fault here.

All-in-all, I have issues I need to work on before I can be in another relationship. Ironically, the issues are really only when I’m in a relationship and the confidence starts to wane. How I get around that outside a relationship is beyond me. But I feel terrible that I was trying to work on this while I was with her and made her experience with me generally less enjoyable. She deserves better, and I only wish I could have been able to be better for her.

Now that I’ve said all that, what’s the plan now? Well, again, since Des Moines has suddenly become a lot less interesting for me specifically, I’ve had my sights set on other areas. I mentioned on facebook, and possibly in the last entry (I don’t remember) Austin (as in Texas). Why do I want to go to Austin when it’s a billion degrees all the time? There’s really only one reason, I want to work at Roosterteeth. I don’t care where they stick me position wise there, just a job there would be fantastic. Ideally, working with Geoff, Jack, Ray, Michael, Gavin, and Ryan on Achievement Hunter, but that’s aiming pretty high. They already have six people working in there, and I highly doubt they’ll want to bring in a seventh.

If I can’t get the job at Roosterteeth (which, again, isn’t likely anyway because I’m sure there are A LOT of people going for a job there) I guess I could go back to Des Moines, for a while anyway. What I’d do there is a big question. And that’s kind of why I’m stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place. I’m sure in a week or two, I’ll have a better idea of what I want to do.

Anyway, that’s all for this entry. Still not over this slight bit of depression resulting from the shitty breakup that happened, but give me time and we’ll see where that goes. Okay guys, see ya later!