Depressing Things Are Depressing

Journal of Clarity – 025 – March 30, 2013

Disclaimer: The entire entry you’re about to read is my attempt at self-analysis. It will likely make me sound depressed, self-hating, possibly suicidal, and you may worry about my mental health. While the concern is appreciated, don’t worry about my safety, I don’t intend to do anything drastic to negatively impact my life. This is just me examining my flaws and what I can do about them. Also, note that this disclaimer comes before I actually write anything, so I don’t even know what to expect yet. All that said, if you have feedback, comments, concerns, or advice you wish to share, I’m always willing to listen. Just message me on facebook if you want and maybe we can talk. Okay? Okay. Let’s go.

Also, side note: I’ve noticed this “blog” has gained more views than the blog I used for my videogame youtube stuff. And it has done so in only four entries versus twenty… I’m not sure what to make of that. It’s a little depressing the thing I put more work into never got as much attention as me just talking about myself. Then again, I guess the counter-argument is that enough people give a shit about me to want to know what I have to say… (that said, could maybe some of you guys watch my stuff and spread the word to help get more views on the E-Vac Station stuff? Would really like to make that into a thing if I had enough views/subscribers/and so on). K. Thanks.

I’m probably one of the most frustrating people I can think of, and I live with some pretty frustrating roommates… well… one is more so than the other, but regardless. So much so, I’m not even sure where to really begin with a self-analysis, especially since this isn’t the first one of these I’ve done before.

I guess we’ll start with a question. Why couldn’t I get myself to get close to Rose, and why do I have trouble getting close to people, women in particular, in general? That’s probably a good place to start, even though I’m sure this is one of those rabbit holes that could go in a variety of directions. While I don’t like to play the blame game, my sense of timing with that kind of stuff and my apprehension of getting close to people stems from my first relationship with Nicole (briefly mentioned last time). She was a prude (she said so herself) and would often push me away (even for something as simple as a kiss). And after we broke up, this became a thing that got ingrained in my head. During my second girlfriend and my first run with Rose, I had trouble getting close to people because there’d be that voice in my head holding me back, telling me not to get too close. Think of it like a Pavlov thing. I was trained, in a sense, to not get close to people in a year-2 year relationship, and since then, it’s been difficult for me to judge when to get close to people without getting pushed away. It’s something I should have gotten past after all these years, but it’s still ingrained in my head. Resulting in me never wanting to make the first move or taking initiative in anything physical because of said apprehension. If the other person, in question, makes the first move or takes initiative, then I’m all in, but it’s that first stumbling block that kind of kills me.

Then there’s that recent business with Susan. Some of you are familiar with that story already. Girl I lost my virginity to, she then went back and forth between me and her ex-boyfriend for nearly a month and a half, resulting in a lot of bullshit drama I had to just say no to in the end. Rose thinks that this messed me up even more, and I’m not going to lie, it probably did. It was a rushed relationship where we started out as friends and within one visit, we went from friends to pretty much having sex because she pushed for it. And while my apprehensive-side was appreciative of that pushing for it, in hindsight, it only threw my sense of timing and understanding of how that works into whack even more.

What this all stems from, this apprehension, is just a lack of confidence. When it comes to my dealings with the ladies, I’m never really confident at all. It’s not that I don’t know how, but I’m just not because of that first relationship setting me up for expecting failure and then just being followed by subsequent short relationships that ended in failure because I wasn’t able to act (with the one exception being because of excessive drama). When it comes to relationships, I want to be there, in the moment, but my mind is busy thinking and distracting me from being able to do so because I’m constantly worried I’ll fuck things up somehow, despite the fact I shouldn’t be that worried. And I know I shouldn’t be, but knowing that and actually getting over that are two different things. Just because you tell me that I shouldn’t worry about something doesn’t mean I’ll automatically be able to not worry about it. Chances are my head will still be drawn into that state of worrying about it and it’s just something my mind does. That’s something I don’t think Rose understood entirely. It’s not that I didn’t listen, ignored her, or didn’t want to accept her advice. It’s just that it’s not as easy as flipping a light-switch and saying we’re done.

And I’ve done what I can to work on this confidence issue. When I was with Rose, I tried to step out of my comfort-zone in various ways simply to push the limits (so to speak). But there’s a limit to how much I can raise my confidence and comfort level in uncomfortable situations when I have someone getting angry, hostile, and berating/insulting me. Especially when she knows I have a problem and I’m doing what I can to get over it so I can focus more on her and just enjoying the moment when I’m with her. You could almost argue that this whole experience may have reset me back to zero since I was building myself up and only got torn down by the one person I thought was supporting me in this and I trust to keep me going in this. No, I’m not blaming her. But I am saying that how things ended certainly hasn’t helped at all.

Here I am now, wondering exactly how I go on from here relationship wise. Right now, I think I just need a break from even trying and getting myself organized. That said, part of my problem is being close to the ladies, and I’m not sure how to necessarily resolve that without trying to start relationships at all. I don’t want a repeat of what just happened where I get into a relationship but I can’t focus on it or just lose myself in the moment because not only is that unfair to the person I’m with, but then I’m not really with them. So, yes, I need to get my shit sorted out quick so this doesn’t become a recurring issue. And maybe it was just the person I was with, but saying that it was because Rose was too intimidating for me to get close to her doesn’t feel like an appropriate answer.

So you guys are all reading this. I had 131 views in just four entries, so clearly I have people reading this. Please, tell me, what is it you suggest? Preferably something where I don’t have to see a psychiatrist or whatever… largely because I don’t have the extra time or money to go see a person like that at the moment. What can I do to get over this? … And, no, drinking or drugs are off the table right off the bat. After seeing the kind of shit my brother gets into (as well as other family members I’ve seen in other situations) I’d rather just stay out of that entirely.

Okay, so something else to talk about because that didn’t get nearly as depressing and long-winded as I expected. (Trust me, last time I did one of those, I looked it over and was worried that I was suicidal). What can I talk about today? Um… how about we talk about games some more? That’ll put me in a slightly better mood than being mopey and depressed about being single and alone again. … fucking bullshit.

What specifically? Well, I was hanging out with a few friends last night (needed to get out for obvious reasons) and we discussed games like Spec Ops: The Line, Walking Dead, and Nier as games with depressing stories or experiences that are good, but they make you really think about the themes and concepts beyond just the game. To me, these exemplify high quality stories in games. Having never played Nier, I cannot attest to this personally, but my friend was talking about how the story, as it progresses, it just gets sadder and more oppressive as you progress.

Spec Ops: The Line was similar, but it wasn’t just the story that pushed you into depression, but the immersive nature of the game itself that pushed you into that state. It starts out as a simple, almost generic, military shooter. You are Americans going in to save people from a bad situation in Dubai, and really nothing more than that. As you go in though, you are constantly being given choices and situations where you must consider your actions and the game slowly morphs into an experience that, unlike other military shooters, doesn’t build you up into a the American hero, but tears you down into the pathetic, weak gamer sitting in that chair shooting people for a cause (in game) that is no longer worth it. It is a game that says you are bad because you chose to play the game, but it does so in a very impressive way that I commend it for. It makes games of that genre, Call of Duty and Battlefield look like cheesy action films by comparison.

And Walking Dead also takes a prize for being impressive in this regard, but in a much less, “you suck because you’re here” mentality that Spec Ops went for. Instead, it goes for the approach of a no-win situation, yet you have to make the most of it and hope that your choices will make things better for you and your people in the end. Every chapter tugs at the heartstrings and really pulls you into this drama of how miserable these people are and how this zombie apocalypse isn’t a winnable fight, despite our best efforts (much like me in relationships, zing!).

All three games above take the same approach good horror games like Silent Hill or Amnesia go, games that take the player and oppress them with horrors and immersion. These games aren’t necessarily fun to play, but are a worthwhile experience because of what you have to go through. This isn’t like Sonic, Portal, Batman Arkham Asylum, Final Fantasy, or even Heavy Rain. These are games that have dark tones and themes that are meant to explore not only the characters within the story, but the players directing the games as well. These are the kind of games people like me point to and say, “This is why games are art!” This isn’t to say games designed to be fun aren’t art, but you have a much stronger case when a game, something that, by definition, is supposed to be fun, is not fun and makes the player think on a deeper level than collecting points or beating a boss for an achievement.

A little bit shorter rant for a gaming thing. But I needed that to get me thinking of something else for a bit.