Depressing Things Are Depressing

Journal of Clarity – 025 – March 30, 2013

Disclaimer: The entire entry you’re about to read is my attempt at self-analysis. It will likely make me sound depressed, self-hating, possibly suicidal, and you may worry about my mental health. While the concern is appreciated, don’t worry about my safety, I don’t intend to do anything drastic to negatively impact my life. This is just me examining my flaws and what I can do about them. Also, note that this disclaimer comes before I actually write anything, so I don’t even know what to expect yet. All that said, if you have feedback, comments, concerns, or advice you wish to share, I’m always willing to listen. Just message me on facebook if you want and maybe we can talk. Okay? Okay. Let’s go.

Also, side note: I’ve noticed this “blog” has gained more views than the blog I used for my videogame youtube stuff. And it has done so in only four entries versus twenty… I’m not sure what to make of that. It’s a little depressing the thing I put more work into never got as much attention as me just talking about myself. Then again, I guess the counter-argument is that enough people give a shit about me to want to know what I have to say… (that said, could maybe some of you guys watch my stuff and spread the word to help get more views on the E-Vac Station stuff? Would really like to make that into a thing if I had enough views/subscribers/and so on). K. Thanks.

I’m probably one of the most frustrating people I can think of, and I live with some pretty frustrating roommates… well… one is more so than the other, but regardless. So much so, I’m not even sure where to really begin with a self-analysis, especially since this isn’t the first one of these I’ve done before.

I guess we’ll start with a question. Why couldn’t I get myself to get close to Rose, and why do I have trouble getting close to people, women in particular, in general? That’s probably a good place to start, even though I’m sure this is one of those rabbit holes that could go in a variety of directions. While I don’t like to play the blame game, my sense of timing with that kind of stuff and my apprehension of getting close to people stems from my first relationship with Nicole (briefly mentioned last time). She was a prude (she said so herself) and would often push me away (even for something as simple as a kiss). And after we broke up, this became a thing that got ingrained in my head. During my second girlfriend and my first run with Rose, I had trouble getting close to people because there’d be that voice in my head holding me back, telling me not to get too close. Think of it like a Pavlov thing. I was trained, in a sense, to not get close to people in a year-2 year relationship, and since then, it’s been difficult for me to judge when to get close to people without getting pushed away. It’s something I should have gotten past after all these years, but it’s still ingrained in my head. Resulting in me never wanting to make the first move or taking initiative in anything physical because of said apprehension. If the other person, in question, makes the first move or takes initiative, then I’m all in, but it’s that first stumbling block that kind of kills me.

Then there’s that recent business with Susan. Some of you are familiar with that story already. Girl I lost my virginity to, she then went back and forth between me and her ex-boyfriend for nearly a month and a half, resulting in a lot of bullshit drama I had to just say no to in the end. Rose thinks that this messed me up even more, and I’m not going to lie, it probably did. It was a rushed relationship where we started out as friends and within one visit, we went from friends to pretty much having sex because she pushed for it. And while my apprehensive-side was appreciative of that pushing for it, in hindsight, it only threw my sense of timing and understanding of how that works into whack even more.

What this all stems from, this apprehension, is just a lack of confidence. When it comes to my dealings with the ladies, I’m never really confident at all. It’s not that I don’t know how, but I’m just not because of that first relationship setting me up for expecting failure and then just being followed by subsequent short relationships that ended in failure because I wasn’t able to act (with the one exception being because of excessive drama). When it comes to relationships, I want to be there, in the moment, but my mind is busy thinking and distracting me from being able to do so because I’m constantly worried I’ll fuck things up somehow, despite the fact I shouldn’t be that worried. And I know I shouldn’t be, but knowing that and actually getting over that are two different things. Just because you tell me that I shouldn’t worry about something doesn’t mean I’ll automatically be able to not worry about it. Chances are my head will still be drawn into that state of worrying about it and it’s just something my mind does. That’s something I don’t think Rose understood entirely. It’s not that I didn’t listen, ignored her, or didn’t want to accept her advice. It’s just that it’s not as easy as flipping a light-switch and saying we’re done.

And I’ve done what I can to work on this confidence issue. When I was with Rose, I tried to step out of my comfort-zone in various ways simply to push the limits (so to speak). But there’s a limit to how much I can raise my confidence and comfort level in uncomfortable situations when I have someone getting angry, hostile, and berating/insulting me. Especially when she knows I have a problem and I’m doing what I can to get over it so I can focus more on her and just enjoying the moment when I’m with her. You could almost argue that this whole experience may have reset me back to zero since I was building myself up and only got torn down by the one person I thought was supporting me in this and I trust to keep me going in this. No, I’m not blaming her. But I am saying that how things ended certainly hasn’t helped at all.

Here I am now, wondering exactly how I go on from here relationship wise. Right now, I think I just need a break from even trying and getting myself organized. That said, part of my problem is being close to the ladies, and I’m not sure how to necessarily resolve that without trying to start relationships at all. I don’t want a repeat of what just happened where I get into a relationship but I can’t focus on it or just lose myself in the moment because not only is that unfair to the person I’m with, but then I’m not really with them. So, yes, I need to get my shit sorted out quick so this doesn’t become a recurring issue. And maybe it was just the person I was with, but saying that it was because Rose was too intimidating for me to get close to her doesn’t feel like an appropriate answer.

So you guys are all reading this. I had 131 views in just four entries, so clearly I have people reading this. Please, tell me, what is it you suggest? Preferably something where I don’t have to see a psychiatrist or whatever… largely because I don’t have the extra time or money to go see a person like that at the moment. What can I do to get over this? … And, no, drinking or drugs are off the table right off the bat. After seeing the kind of shit my brother gets into (as well as other family members I’ve seen in other situations) I’d rather just stay out of that entirely.

Okay, so something else to talk about because that didn’t get nearly as depressing and long-winded as I expected. (Trust me, last time I did one of those, I looked it over and was worried that I was suicidal). What can I talk about today? Um… how about we talk about games some more? That’ll put me in a slightly better mood than being mopey and depressed about being single and alone again. … fucking bullshit.

What specifically? Well, I was hanging out with a few friends last night (needed to get out for obvious reasons) and we discussed games like Spec Ops: The Line, Walking Dead, and Nier as games with depressing stories or experiences that are good, but they make you really think about the themes and concepts beyond just the game. To me, these exemplify high quality stories in games. Having never played Nier, I cannot attest to this personally, but my friend was talking about how the story, as it progresses, it just gets sadder and more oppressive as you progress.

Spec Ops: The Line was similar, but it wasn’t just the story that pushed you into depression, but the immersive nature of the game itself that pushed you into that state. It starts out as a simple, almost generic, military shooter. You are Americans going in to save people from a bad situation in Dubai, and really nothing more than that. As you go in though, you are constantly being given choices and situations where you must consider your actions and the game slowly morphs into an experience that, unlike other military shooters, doesn’t build you up into a the American hero, but tears you down into the pathetic, weak gamer sitting in that chair shooting people for a cause (in game) that is no longer worth it. It is a game that says you are bad because you chose to play the game, but it does so in a very impressive way that I commend it for. It makes games of that genre, Call of Duty and Battlefield look like cheesy action films by comparison.

And Walking Dead also takes a prize for being impressive in this regard, but in a much less, “you suck because you’re here” mentality that Spec Ops went for. Instead, it goes for the approach of a no-win situation, yet you have to make the most of it and hope that your choices will make things better for you and your people in the end. Every chapter tugs at the heartstrings and really pulls you into this drama of how miserable these people are and how this zombie apocalypse isn’t a winnable fight, despite our best efforts (much like me in relationships, zing!).

All three games above take the same approach good horror games like Silent Hill or Amnesia go, games that take the player and oppress them with horrors and immersion. These games aren’t necessarily fun to play, but are a worthwhile experience because of what you have to go through. This isn’t like Sonic, Portal, Batman Arkham Asylum, Final Fantasy, or even Heavy Rain. These are games that have dark tones and themes that are meant to explore not only the characters within the story, but the players directing the games as well. These are the kind of games people like me point to and say, “This is why games are art!” This isn’t to say games designed to be fun aren’t art, but you have a much stronger case when a game, something that, by definition, is supposed to be fun, is not fun and makes the player think on a deeper level than collecting points or beating a boss for an achievement.

A little bit shorter rant for a gaming thing. But I needed that to get me thinking of something else for a bit.

What's Next For Me?

Journal of Clarity – 024 – March 29, 2013

It’s the end of March! Woot! I guess if that’s a big deal to you, go out and celebrate. For me, I don’t really care. March isn’t that big a deal to me. I will say I’m a little excited for April since the beginning of the month features two very good days. The first, and most important, being Jackie Chan’s birthday, which is April 7^th. The day before that, however, is my birthday, which I guess makes mine first chronologically, but in order of importance, definitely giving that to Jackie Chan. I’m not saying I’m irrelevant and that my life is meaningless, but Jackie Chan has done so much more with his life than I have yet. Clearly people would be more interested in him than me as it currently stands. Give me a few years, I might be able to catch up (probably not).

So I seem to be in a good mood. Am I? Not especially. I’m still bummed about what happened with Rose a few days ago, and I guess I’ll go into detail on what happened there as well as my plans for the future, which I’m slowly building now that I have a general idea of what I want to do and where I want to go, just hoping I can make it work is all.

Why did things fall apart with Rose when they started out so “strong”? There are a lot of ways to answer that, but I think the most accurate would be that while I really wanted the relationship and really wanted to make it work, I just wasn’t all there. It was too soon after my “relationship” with Susan only a month or so prior and I still hadn’t gotten my head on straight from that. It’s a real shame too because Rose did so much for me and worked really hard to make things happen, and I was too distracted and lost in my head that I not only failed to acknowledge that, but I failed to really give in what I was getting out. Again, it was largely due to me just not being able to keep my head in the moment and focus on what was happening.

On top of that, a genuine level of FEAR was a part of that. (FYI, a running joke I’ve had in entries prior to the online ones is to all-cap FEAR and pronounce it in the voice of the Scarecrow… that’s all). Anyway, I was afraid of getting close to her, and not for a logical reason either. She legitimately was willing to be close to me if I could just work the nerve up to go and do it. The problem was partly that I didn’t want to rush it and make the same mistakes I had with the prior “relationship” but also the issues I had WAAAAY back in high school with Nicole (first girlfriend) kept resurfacing. I’ve never been a guy who was great at timing when to make a move before. Add the additional layers of me not wanting to rush things with the layer of her saying I can do things and we have a cake layered with disaster. Maybe that’s way Ray always goes cakeless?

Regardless, the relationship ended because I was an idiot. I wasn’t the guy she wanted me to be or needed me to be because I was too wrapped up in trying to become that guy rather than just relaxing, being myself, and enjoying my time with her. I feel terrible that things went the way they did. Knowing what I know now a month ago, things would likely have gone differently. I wouldn’t be this miserable, lonely person hating himself for not being able to make a relationship work, especially one that was pretty much laid out to work (or at least it seemed like it was laid out to work at first).

Was it all me? Being the gentleman I am, humble when I can be, I’d like to say a vast majority of it was my fault. Do I blame her for anything? Well, perhaps a bit on miscommunication issues. She was often quick to anger over things and would go straight to insulting and berating me rather than be straightforward with explaining what the issue was. This often made her come off as hostile, which you can help explain why I was often timid to get close to her. Do you really want to be close to someone who, when they’re angry, comes off as someone who would chop your dick off and throw it into that shredder over there? No? Then I can’t be entirely at fault here.

All-in-all, I have issues I need to work on before I can be in another relationship. Ironically, the issues are really only when I’m in a relationship and the confidence starts to wane. How I get around that outside a relationship is beyond me. But I feel terrible that I was trying to work on this while I was with her and made her experience with me generally less enjoyable. She deserves better, and I only wish I could have been able to be better for her.

Now that I’ve said all that, what’s the plan now? Well, again, since Des Moines has suddenly become a lot less interesting for me specifically, I’ve had my sights set on other areas. I mentioned on facebook, and possibly in the last entry (I don’t remember) Austin (as in Texas). Why do I want to go to Austin when it’s a billion degrees all the time? There’s really only one reason, I want to work at Roosterteeth. I don’t care where they stick me position wise there, just a job there would be fantastic. Ideally, working with Geoff, Jack, Ray, Michael, Gavin, and Ryan on Achievement Hunter, but that’s aiming pretty high. They already have six people working in there, and I highly doubt they’ll want to bring in a seventh.

If I can’t get the job at Roosterteeth (which, again, isn’t likely anyway because I’m sure there are A LOT of people going for a job there) I guess I could go back to Des Moines, for a while anyway. What I’d do there is a big question. And that’s kind of why I’m stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place. I’m sure in a week or two, I’ll have a better idea of what I want to do.

Anyway, that’s all for this entry. Still not over this slight bit of depression resulting from the shitty breakup that happened, but give me time and we’ll see where that goes. Okay guys, see ya later! 

Hardcore Distractions

Journal of Clarity – 023 – March 28, 2013

Yesterday was rather personal… and depressing… and lame. So let’s talk about something else for a while. I think I’ll focus on the subject of games for a few entries until I feel more up to talking about what happened. I might make a few mentions here or there. But I don’t really want to get into it right now.

I’m tired of people calling themselves hardcore gamers, and yet all they play is Halo or only Call of Duty or only Gears of War. I’m especially tired of them calling people who don’t play those games, and have been playing games since the NES days nothing but casual gamers simply because they prefer Mario or Zelda over the typical FPS gaming scene. I’m not trying to invalidate Halo or other FPS games nor am I trying to vindicate Mario or Zelda. What I’m actually trying to get at is that I really don’t agree with their definition of what a hardcore gamer really is and what a casual gamer really is.

Let me ask you something. When someone partakes in a hobby other than videogames, like for example, making model trainsets, is there a set definition of hardcore model-train-enthusiasts and casual-model-train-enthusiasts? I don’t know, and you probably wouldn’t think so, though I’m sure that distinction somehow exists. But what do you think separates the two different parties in my hypothetical scenario? For me, I would speculate a person really into the model train scene would spend a lot of time working on crafting everything around the model train to make a perfect little world within his little modeling set. Meanwhile, I would then speculate a person only casually into the hobby would just focus on the train and maybe a few model buildings and call it a day. Maybe it’s something he/she does with the kids for fun and nothing more.

That’s sort of the distinction I use for gaming as well. To me, a casual gamer is someone who only does a little of gaming be it small amounts of time, only playing a certain type of game, or just playing with their kids for fun and not looking for any stories or challenge on their own behalf. Meanwhile, a hardcore gamer is someone who will spend a lot of time devoted to the hobby, probably unhealthily so. They will play a wide variety of games, not just FPS games or Super Mario, but both and many things in between. And they aren’t just looking for fun, but also for exploration, adventure, stories, challenge, and whatever other reason you can think to have an interactive experience.

So why do I think my distinction is so important to differentiate from the people I’m now calling casual fratboy gamers who only play Call of Duty? Because their definition excludes a large variety of the market. I don’t like a lot of the games that most people consider hardcore for a large variety of reasons. I’m not big into online gaming because until recently I’ve never had a solid connection and I’ve always preferred local multiplayer with friends over online with total strangers shouting swears and sounding like they’re 12 years old. I don’t like how games like Call of Duty look and feel like the same installment every time and their attempts at innovation are nothing more than thrown more toys into the game we spend little time with to actually enjoy. And I also don’t like how most of these games have criminally short solo campaigns because the main drive behind them is that online multiplayer business I mentioned already.

How would these casual fucks fair if they were to enter a game of Silent Hill 2? They’d probably hate it because they wouldn’t like the combat. What about Portal? They’d probably hate how they don’t get to kill anything themselves. What about Bastion? They’d probably hate the general aesthetic of the game, but rather than say that, they’d say it has shit graphics despite the fact the game looks absolutely gorgeous. And these are three of some of the best games I’ve ever experienced, and they are all significantly better than any Halo, Call of Duty, or Gears of War I’ve encountered.

You know what else? They are a survival horror game, a first-person puzzle game, and an action-rpg. Three different games, three different styles of gameplay, and three great experiences that don’t mean shit to people who call themselves hardcore but only play one type of game. I find that notion to be entirely fucked on its upside-down head. I don’t care about rankings, MLG, or the online community for a game. If you seriously only play one type of game, you are nothing more than a casual gamer who limits themselves from experiencing a wide array of unique experiences beyond that.

And you know what? I’m not hating on people who fit my definition of a casual gamer. We’re all busy people with lots going on in our lives. We can’t all game all the time or nothing would ever get done. But the people who are fitting my definition of casual need to stop being such dickheads to the people who they’re calling casual. They enjoy a different type of game and play style than you do. They may like puzzles or exploring a narrative or jumping around on platforms. You like shooting guns at things from behind a wall while being surrounded by buff guys shouting about how they fucked your mom last night because you’re apparently a faggot. Yeah, think about that before you start spouting about how MLG and hardcore you are. Fuck.

So I guess talk more things about me?

Still don’t feel like talking about what happened yet. Like I said, give me time to process it.

I do know this much. I had intentions of moving back to Des Moines largely because of her. Now that she’s out of the picture, presumably, I am lost. Not in the sense I can’t live without her, but in the sense that I’m unsure where I want to go now that her presence is no longer an issue. I can go back to Des Moines to be closer to family and work with bigger opportunities. But at the same time, I really no longer have a drive to want to be in Des Moines.

I could stay in Iowa City… no. Fuck that. The job I have is garbage. The school is almost done. And while I do have some good friends here, there’s nothing that is ultimately tying me to this place.

As I’ve said before, I am interested in going to Austin. But I don’t know the city well. There’s only one job there I’m interested in getting, and even that isn’t a guarantee. And I’m not sure how the pricing for housing or cost of living will be. But regardless, it’s the most interesting option thus far.

Then there’s Seattle… because I like Seattle and wouldn’t mind living there instead. Will it happen? Maybe someday. But it’s probably even more expensive out there and I’d have no idea where to go once I’m there.

 

So, yeah, now I’m in a position where I have a lot of options but nothing really drawing me in like it did before. I still have time to figure it out. Just wish that things had gone better so that my moving to Des Moines was solid and not just a question of whether I really want to or not. 

Shake Ups and Break Ups

Journal of Clarity – 022 – March 27, 2013

Hello! This marks the first entry to the Journal of Clarity that will be publicized on the internet on my blog that only maybe three people will actually read. A few notes to make before moving on. First, as mentioned in the online version, names will be changed to protect the innocent. Names in the private version will remain untouched because anyone who reads the private version deserves to know the full story without edits. Second, as I mentioned before, this is all stream of consciousness writing with little regards to editing. If you get mad at something I write, like before I’m only writing how I feel at the time in the tone I feel at the time of writing. If I’m mad at you for something you did and say hurtful things about you as I’m writing, then that’s also on you as well. With that, let’s begin.

I remember when this year started and I thought to myself there looks to be few games or really movies that have my attention coming up this year. A few like the super hero movies and a few Nintendo titles, but nothing that sticks out as a “must see” or “must have” beyond that. But I kept telling myself, wait til PAX wait til E3 and we’ll see what gets announced as the year goes on.

PAXEast had a lot of cool titles that I’m looking forward too. Daylight is a procedural-mapping horror game that takes the concept of how dungeons in Diablo 2 work and puts it into a horror game. Thus far, I’m excited and the gameplay footage I watched in the beta seemed promising. But the big draw was Transistor, created by the same developers who gave us Bastion. If you’re a real gamer who took time to play the beautiful work that is Bastion, then you know why I’m excited by Transistor. It has a similar visual style, a new character, new world, and a new method of gameplay. It looks to be combining turn-based strategy with action-RPG gameplay and the demonstration I watched got me excited for it. Shame both of these won’t be out until early next year.

Dust: An Elysian Tail was also announced to be getting a port for the PC this April. I watched some videos of the XBLA title and was genuinely excited by it, hoping that a port would be in the near future. Speaking of ports, Trials Evolution Gold edition was released for Steam this week and I’ll likely buy that once I see what the birthday money I’ll likely get next week amounts too. Hooray for XBLA ports to Steam!

There was more shown about Elder Scrolls Online, which is one of the few titles I’ve had my eye on for this year, but I’m holding out on it until I see some concrete stuff from it. It’s an MMO using the Elder Scrolls series as the setting, which is all well-and-good, but having not finished Skyrim yet, I’m not exactly jonesing for another venture into Elder Scrolls universe yet. Outside of that, nothing else really got my attention, but I wasn’t looking too hard at the stuff that was already announced. I was mostly browsing for announcements of something we haven’t heard about already. Not much in that regard.

But I’m sure most of you are here for other reasons. I said this was a personal blog and I open up with shit about gaming. What? I said that would likely happen.

I haven’t talked to Rose (the girlfriend) since yesterday after a small spat we had. I won’t go into too many details about it, I’ll just do a quick recap. A few days ago, I was invited to her d&d game. I wanted to make a slightly more complicated character for the sake of roleplaying it because I liked the idea behind his personality(s). She didn’t approve. I asked if it was cool for her to look at it when it was done before I actually submit it to the DM, and she said “sure.” The next day, after having worked on it a bit, I mentioned how work is coming along on it, and she gives me shit for not listening to her the day before about how I shouldn’t be doing it. She gets noticeably angry at me, but I didn’t focus on that because I didn’t understand what she would be angry about given that I knew I likely wouldn’t get to use this character and my work on it was mostly just to build a character for fun. In the process of chewing me out, she ends up making me feel like garbage and then after a while of being masticated, she then explains in a more calm and civil manner about why she was against the idea in the first place.

And while I get why she was upset, that’s not a good reason to shit all over me and my idea and make me feel like garbage for just trying to have a conversation about something I’m working on, A FICITONAL CHARACTER no less, in my free time. So, yeah, I’ve been maintaining radio (texting) silence for the most part since that conversation. Why? Partly because I don’t want to try and start another friendly conversation only to get chewed out again so soon after having that happen already. And I just don’t feel like talking to her right now, which is a shame because that’s also the only thing I really want to do.

So I eventually got around to talking about her. Again, it broke into another argument. And, as I expected, it resulted in us breaking up. It sort of hurts, but not nearly as bad as I expected it too… I’m more just disappointed I couldn’t do half the stuff I wanted to do. And it wasn’t even on her, it was on me for just not having my head fully there.

Now I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I had interests in moving back to Des Moines and she was part of the reason I was interested in going back. Now that interest has kind of dissolved, retardedly so. Yes, it would be better to move out of this hellhole. Yes, there are more opportunities there than there are here. But at the same time, I just no longer have the interest to go back. If anything, I’d rather go elsewhere. I just… don’t know where… or what I’m going to do yet.

I really had my heart set on this working too. I was thinking to myself this while time I was feeling like garbage and trying to get better that the next time I see her, I will make it the best day she’s ever had. Now I won’t get such an opportunity.

But mostly… I’m just tired right now. Maybe that’s from a slight bit of depression? I’ve been tired a lot lately. I don’t know why. I guess all this energy I’ve wasted in arguing with her about pointless bullshit and putting all this effort into it was just worn me out, especially so soon after that last sham of a relationship. More I think about it, the more I think I needed more time and that I wasn’t quite ready to make this jump yet.

For that, I guess I’m sorry, Rose. We should have waited and I shouldn’t have been so quick to jump into something with you so soon. It’s like going from a Mario game and into a Rock Band game right afterward, my brain just wasn’t able to process the shift in what I was doing so fast and I wasn’t prepared for what happened. And I think part of it was also due to the fact that I kept thinking about how things were, instead of how things are (and now were).

Have I learned a lesson here? I hope so. The lesson being? I honestly don’t know this time around. When we broke up the first time, the lesson was that sometimes relationships end despite your best efforts and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. This time around, I guess what I should walk away from is to not let the past haunt you so much and just get over it. Something I guess I’ve never had an easy time with.

Like I said though. I’m just tired right now and need some rest. See ya next time. 

Entry Numbah 1

Hey guys. This will be a short introductory bit before I really delve into actual personal issues or events going on. Consider this clarification/disclaimer/warning for stuff you may read throughout future entries.

Most of what I write will be stream of consciousness, meaning that nothing is likely to be filtered and the only editing is usually spelling or to clear up a structure of a sentence. So I may say some things that are hurtful to certain people. I may say some things that contradict other things. I may even say some things I will eventually reference and say, "Yeah, didn't mean it like that." This isn't me trying to be a hypocrite. But if I get pissed or depressed about something, certain things will come out differently than when I'm in a good mood.

This is a PERSONAL blog, meaning this is where I'll discuss PERSONAL shit (mostly). In order to keep the peace at home, names of people will be changed here to keep anyone from getting into trouble. I'll have a code for how the alternate names will work and keep em straight, but you likely won't ever know it. But if you know me, you'll likely know who these people are. Have fun figuring it out, but if you do, don't publicize it. I keep the names secret for their benefit, not just mine.

Sometimes I'll talk about games, movies, or non-personal stuff. This is me ranting and having fun with topics when I have nothing in my life interesting to talk about, or if I am tired of talking about how pissed I am about my girlfriend or how bullshit work is or how happy I am with my girlfriend, etc. My rants on games will always have more jokes and references, but I'll try to keep the humor going in everything to make this more fun to read.

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All that said, I'm going to give you a bit of backstory now. Because future posts will be topical and revolve around current events in my life or in general. Ergo, I won't be posting backlog entries I've written from before to catch you up. Here's a summary of who I am, how I got here, and why you might find this blog interesting (or won't) as the case may be. Enjoy!

My name is Aaron (not a name change, it is legit). I'm currently 22, with a little over a week before I turn 23. I came from a nuclear family with two really awesome parents and a brother who had a lot of potential but ended up throwing most of it away with poor life decisions. After a recent string of events, I sincerely hope he has that all sorted out, but we'll see.

I have a job at a local grocery store chain, specifically in the kitchen department. I make really bland food for really bland people and have gotten tired of having this job after nearly five years of employment. But the job has helped get me through college, which I will be graduating here this May so long as we don't have a repeat of what happened last time (where I was told I could graduate, but couldn't because I was misinformed entirely). Once I'm done with college, I intend to look for a place back in my hometown and find a new job and place of residence there. Why?

Well, I have two roommates who are cool some of the time, and a real pain in the ass the rest of the time. Some days are better than others, but I'm ready to go on my own and have space to do more stuff with. On top of that, I miss being closer to family, my dog, some of my friends from the area. And I'm also in a relationship with a girl I used to date back in Des Moines roughly three years ago, and I'd like to be able to see her on a more regular basis with much less gas being used to do so.

What else can I say to give you an idea of who I am... hm....

I'm a nerd. I've been as such since I can remember. The first thing I really got into was Jurassic Park, and it is still my favorite movie to this day (even over such amazing works like most of Pixar's stuff, Avengers, Harry Potter, and so on). I'm a gamer, a film-geek, a comic enthusiast, and I enjoy D&D when I get the chance to play (which isn't nearly as often as I'd like). I'm not the kind of gamer who will sit and play Call of Duty for hours and say that people who play Mario are newbs and aren't real gamers. In fact, I'm almost the opposite... not really. I'm the kind of gamer that likes trying a little of everything and seeing new ideas or reworking of old ideas. I'm the kind of gamer that follows gaming news, reviews, and culture the way my girlfriend looks at fashion and music. And, no, playing ONLY Call of Duty or ONLY Battlefield does not make you a hardcore gamer. ONLY playing one game or one type of game, regardless of the game, makes you a casual gamer. To me, a hardcore gamer is someone who regularly steps into other genres of gameplay and story to see what they have to offer and likes immersing themselves into different experiences in a regular basis. This is definitely something I'll get into in a future entry. Remind me to do that later.

Relationship wise? My first girlfriend was around the age of 14 and that lasted til about when I was 16 and she dumped me. We wanted different things. I wanted a relationship and to be able to be close to her, she didn't. At the age of 18, I had my second girlfriend... that was a lesson in money management that I will not soon forget. Frankly, glad that one ended. At the age of 19 (right?) was my third relationship (I think it was actually right after I turned 20) and I'm back with that same girl now. I won't go into details there, but she ended it with me then for reasons neither of us fully understood at the time. Then I met another girl just before getting back with my current girlfriend. That was the first time I had sex (which is a long explanation on to why that's important, saved for later) and things ended because the relationship had too much drama between me, her and her bullshit ex-boyfriend she kept going back to. It was the first relationship I ended and it was because I needed to have something more stable and less chaotic (which I arguably have now).

Family wise? Like I said, Mom and Dad, been together since before I was born. Brother is an idiot who gets into trouble a lot. I have grandparents, cousins, uncles, and aunts. But I won't talk about all of them in great detail unless they suddenly become relevant to a conversation I write about here. Not because I don't want to, but there's a lot of them and I don't want this to run too terribly long.

That's all I have for now, I think. I already have plenty of ideas for future topics lined up, but keep in mind I may not get to them for a while because this is all stream-of-consciousness-current-event stuff. If it happens, it happens. See ya when I see ya!