The Devil Drives Four Wheels: A Horror Story of Cars and Men... mostly Cars... and sad men.

I haven’t done an update about my personal life (ie non-entertainment stuff) for a long time now. That’s mostly because the personal life was pretty much nothing for a while. This week has been… rough… with pockets of good things happening, but mostly rough like pounding your head into a cement wall.

As some of you may have noticed (on facebook at least) I haven’t posted much at all this week. Why is that? Well, I was out of town and I typically don’t post much if I’m out of town unless I have a good reason to do so. Plus, I was more into playing Pokemon and seeing family than wanting to get on a computer to talk about my playing Pokemon and seeing family… (which I’ll get to the former here at some point in the near future). The trip was designed to only last for maybe a day at most and then come home. The problem, my car decided that it was tired of me taking it for granted and assuming it would work all the time. Thus, my story begins on the freeway on route to Des Moines.

I was around Altoona when I first noticed the problem, and I’m more than certain it didn’t appear sooner than that, given that I check my dashboard with the same frequency I check my HUD in [insert game name here]. The red light indicating I was low on oil had popped up, which was timed appropriately with me needing to use the restroom really badly. I pulled over in Altoona and made way to the restroom first. Then came the inspection. I removed the dipstick from the… um… what the fuck do you call the hole you check your oil in anyway? The “dip-hole?” Sounds dirty.

Anyway, I looked and my oil level was, in fact, low. Really low. In fact, I didn’t see any oil on the dipstick at all, though maybe I was just mental. I went in to buy more oil but they didn’t have the oil my car needed to run… at all. So I made a call home for Mom to come give me a ride to oil or to bring enough up for me to get home. Twenty minutes pass and we make our way to a HyVee (which we were told about) that didn’t have oil, and then followed up with a trip to a nearby AutoZone (which we stumbled across) that had what we needed. We filled the car up and made the rest of the journey home. But… the story is only just beginning. Act One, so to speak.

We got home and nearing our destination, smoke was fuming out from under the hood like it was a college dorm room, only with less mellowing out and more worrying that my car would explode. I pull up at the house, I take my stuff into the house, and then I call Dad, the only car expert I know within reasonable distance, to help figure out what’s going on. Eventually he gets home (unrelated stuff happens prior to that) and looks at the car. Oil stains the ground below like a pool of blood at a homicide, and smoke rises again whenever the car is started. It is decided that we (I) will call Subaru in the morning to take the car in and fix it since it was under warranty (supposedly).

I call, and this is where I make my first digression. Ramsey Subaru has the worst automated call/answering system ever. They list your options and “For Service, press 2” is, clearly, the second option mentioned. But there’s a sub-option after that when the automated voice says, “for Service, press 1.” Why is there another button press for service after I’ve already hit a button press for service? That doesn’t make any fucking sense? But then again, I’m used to worlds in which your armor is stored in a pocket of your armor, so who am I to argue?

I call Subaru, followed by the guys to tow it out. It doesn’t get there to near 10 for reasons, but it gets there. It eventually is reported as fixed and it seems like all is fine and it’s all sunshine and rainbows. However, on my side-trip to buy a birthday gift for Mom, I notice the smoke returning like your creepy Uncle skulking into your room late into the night. When I get back from buying, I see what looks like more fluid beneath the car and I wasn’t sure what to do. I called home for a second opinion and we thought maybe there was some left-over oil from the leak just sitting around and figured we’d wait to see what’s going on.

Dad, the third opinion, weighs in when he gets home. By that point, however, more leaking had occurred where the puddle was clearly visible from the house. We put another call to Subaru and the towing company the following morning for round two. Incidentally, it was the same gentleman towing my car for the second day in a row.

The car is once again reported as fixed by the end of the day, but as I’m driving home, I notice the smoke is appearing again. We check numerous times, but no leaks. However, needing to head back to Iowa City soon and really getting pissed at all the nonsense leading up to now, I decided I’d just take it back to Subaru and have them give it another look before they close. Unfortunately, at the time, they couldn’t say with any certainty what the issue was. So they kept it overnight.

The following day we get the call. The smoke (this time) was caused by leftover oil sitting above the engine. They took time to clean it up and also recommended a car wash. The less I talk about that horrible car wash, the better. Here’s just a quick side note to people with car washes. Guys, can we please have just car washes that put your vehicle in neutral and just leave it like that until you leave? The ones where you actually are supposed to drive through don’t make any sense and shouldn’t be bothered with.

Whatever the case. It seemed like everything was finally fixed! I threw my luggage into the car. I said goodbye to the family and pets. I gassed up the car and bought a soda. I threw on the next RoosterTeeth podcast and was ready to go. I drove for a while and was feeling pretty confident about everything this time and was ready to just enjoy the ride… And then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked… I mean the check engine light game on. It was only blinking and it was just all of the sudden.

Now, a smarter me was suggesting to stop at the next exit and deal with this immediately. That version of me was the smart one who, while not always fun at parties, generally had the most sensible ideas despite his often depressing and pessimistic attitudes. But he wasn’t the one driving that day. It was an optimistic and naïve me that was concerned for a moment, but tried to shrug it off. “I’ve seen people with those lights on in their cars and it usually means nothing,” I thought. “David, Erin, that guy from work whose name I’m not remembering, and so on. So I’ll just drive a little farther and see how this develops. If I’m lucky, I won’t notice anything and I’ll be in Iowa City with no issue.”

Oh how I would have loved to go back in time and punch that optimism right off my face, taken the wheel, and then do what needed to be done. But, as you may have seen in earlier posts in dealing with ex-girlfriends and other life decisions, this isn’t necessarily the first time I’ve my optimistic approach to something has ended up only coming back to fire a shotgun into my face (remember Kat, anyone?). Unfortunately, I cannot bend the laws of time and space to prevent myself from making those dumb decisions. Nor, indeed, can I use the knowledge I have now to take over the world cira 1940, but I’ll just have to learn to accept that for now and move on (to building the time machine).

The light was noticed around Marshalltown and it wasn’t until about Newton when I gave up and pulled over to see how bad the situation was. I looked under the hood (leaving the car on so I could SEE the problem) and I was shocked at what I saw. You know in the movies how they shake the camera to make it look like an earthquake or a lot of explosions or heavy impacts are happening? Imagine that kind of camera work, but filming Michael J Fox during a bad day and that generally describes the violent and terrifying nature of how my car engine was shaking. I immediately called Dad for consultation, and then called Subaru (again) to have them look at my car (again). It had to be towed (again) back to the dealership (again). And, surprisingly enough, it was the SAME GUY towing my car for the THIRD FUCKING TIME! He even said that this was a record for the number of times he’s towed the same car. Glad I could help with that /sarcasm. Seriously though, nice guy and I appreciate all the help he’s given with this. If you ever need a tow-guy, ask for “Mel” from Ultimate towing in Des Moines. He’s a pretty cool dude.

Mel gives me a ride home (since he knows where my parents live). And I extend my stay another night. I called work and told them it was literally impossible for me to get to work the next morning and kept others (girlfriend, roommate, and random friend I thought was going to work the next day) informed of what had just gone down and proceeded to curse the world for giving me a car possessed by Satan… though I think the Satan thing might actually be a new ordeal. That said, the reason I stayed the extra night was because I didn’t get back to the dealership in time to get a loaner car and while I could have rented a car, I didn’t want to deal with ANOTHER company while still trying to deal with this one. Only one set of complications at a time please.

The next morning, around 9AM, I get a loaner car and head back to Iowa City. It’s weird, but I like it, but it’s new so that’s expected. The adventure, however, is still not over. I still need to get back to Des Moines to pick up the husk of automobile once the exorcist as removed whatever demonic creature resides in the car’s engine sometime next week. I will likely have to wait until Wednesday, but I might head back Monday if everything seems alright. But that’s the sequel to be released sometime next week. I hope this story was as fascinating for you as it was frustrating for me to experience firsthand.

However, the observant reader will have caught on to a few details that hint at what I might get into next. For those interested, yes, I did play a lot of Pokemon during the down time. It was great. It is probably the best game of the series (which surprised me even) and it might even make game of the year unless Walking Dead season 2, Sonic Lost Worlds, Phoenix Wright Dual Destinies, or Arkham Origins have something to say about that. And, no, GTA5 isn’t a competitor for the nomination because Saints Row IV is just better in every way except in the online department, which, as you know, I don’t give two fucks about.

What’s that? Something else? Yes! I did have other ways to spend the down time. I did get to watch old episodes of Simpsons and Mom and I caught up on the last season of American Horror Stories, which was actually really damn good. Anything else? Hm… I did get to see my brother, which was a pleasant surprise. Anything else… Hm…

Oh! You probably read that line about how I called people after being towed from Newton and saw that one of the people called was, in fact, a girlfriend. No, that was not exaggeration for effect or me embellishing details to make the story better (I would have called a harem if I felt like embellishing). No, I’m once again in a relationship, but it really isn’t all that sudden. It’s one that has kind of been in the makings for maybe four months or more. Given some of the notoriously dumb ideas and decisions made in the first quarter of this year, I decided it might be best to slow down with her and make sure I don’t do a dumb. Details? A name perhaps? If you read the entire thing properly, you might have caught the name without realizing it. I won’t spoil it for you, but I will say that, no, it wasn’t Mel. So, no, this week wasn't all bad... just a lot of bad with spikes of genuinely good things happening. 

But, no, I’ve decided the slow approach is best with this newer girl because, frankly, going too fast has been an issue the past couple times. I’ll save the speed for the fastest thing alive… you know… the blue blur… Sonic the Hedgehog. Which, incidentally, is coming out this week. With Pokemon now winding down into post-game training shenanigans, I think a dose of sonic speed is exactly what I’ve been waiting for. Unless something interesting comes up between now and then, I’ll see you from the strange worlds of Sonic Lost Worlds.